Cancer Diary: Icon or Ogre?

When a spouse dies, memory plays tricks on us. Grief is not just about missing someone—it’s about trying to make sense of a life that is now suddenly only past tense. One of the most complicated truths of bereavement is that we often don't remember our loved ones as they truly were. We remember them as either an icon —glorified, idealized, a figure bathed in soft light—or as an ogre , the shadowy figure who made life hard in their final days. Neither version tells the full truth. The "icon" memory is seductive. It’s easier to remember only the best—the laughter, the shared victories, the warm touches and private jokes. We place them on a pedestal so high we forget the arguments, the disappointments, the human flaws. It's a comforting illusion, but it can leave us feeling confused when our true memories sneak back in. We wonder if we’re betraying them by remembering anything less than perfection. On the other end of the spectrum is the "ogre" narrative, espec...