Infighting (Religion, Free Speech, and Passion among Relatives): Guest Post from MSI Press Author Dr. Dennis Ortman

 

The following article is provided by Dr. Dennis Ortman, author of
Anxiety Anonymous/American Bookfest Best Books Finalist
Anger Anonymous/Book of the Year Finalist
Depression Anonymous/Book of the Year Finalist
Life, Liberty, & Covid
The Pandemic and Hope
Being Catholic in Troubled Tines (forthcoming)

INFIGHTING

“How blest are the pure of heart for they shall see God (Truth).”

--Matthew 5: 8

 

“I avoid talking about politics and religion with so many of my family and friends. Our discussions quickly degenerate into arguments. Then we are fighting with each other. I just want to stay away from them.” This is a regular complaint these days. We live in a house divided. The polarization in our society is tearing apart families and friendships. Many of us hold rigid opinions about so many issues. We refuse to compromise, because, in our view, we would be betraying our conscience.

The ideological differences in our society have been attributed to an ongoing “culture war” between traditionalists and progressives. Nearly half our country, in varying degrees, wants to return to the “good old days” when America appeared to have a clear identity. The other half, the more liberal-minded, seeks to be “in tune with the times,” respecting our growing diversity. The great divide is not just along political party lines, but reaches deep into our psyche. Even religious groups are also divided along similar lines. Each ideological group fights for dominance of their values, beliefs, and practices.

The hot-button issues are numerous: abortion, homosexuality, transgender rights, gun control, climate change, pandemic politics, censorship, racism, multiculturalism, and so forth. The battles over these controversial questions have taken on a moral-religious meaning. Each side envisions itself in a battle for the soul of America to establish its true identity and mission in the world. The advocates for each side can become self-righteous crusaders for their truth. Those at the extremes even advocate violence to achieve their noble purposes. 

How can we maintain a civil dialogue with so much polarization? How can we avoid being caught up into the hostile drama that plays out in so many ordinary conversations? How can we advance our common search for truth? 

ATTITUDES TOWARD CONFLICT 

Freedom of speech is at the foundation of our society. We value the free exchange of ideas and encounter diverse points of view on nearly every subject. Inevitably, conflicts arise over the competing ideas. Disagreements and controversies abound. Passions are aroused, and sometimes heated arguments. Occasionally, these passionate exchanges provoke hostility. Unsurprisingly, we also have different attitudes towards this inevitable conflict: we love it, hate it, or are indifferent toward it. 

Many of us relish the fight. We live in a competitive society, distinguished by winners and losers. Our goal is to be number one, the best. We want to win any debate in which we participate. So we will work hard to become informed and vigorously argue our point of view. We firmly believe in the rightness of our position. Those who oppose us may be seen as enemies in the battle for truth. We want to win, at all costs. Unfortunately, our desire to succeed may degenerate into the belief that might makes right. The pursuit of power overshadows concern for the truth. 

Some of us hate the conflict. It makes us uncomfortable. We may avoid any personal or political debates because the disagreement arouses so much anxiety. We want peace, at all costs. We may research issues, just to be informed. However, we avoid discussions of controversial questions because, we believe, all these conversations only end in bitter disagreement without resolution. Furthermore, we may mistrust the media and politicians for putting their own spin on the facts. Who knows what information can be trusted? Withdrawing from any debate, we may isolate into our own self-proscribed mental world.

A few of us are indifferent to the dramatic interchanges. We may be involved, but live above the fray. We acknowledge that conflict in the exchange of ideas is inevitable and healthy. We also acknowledge the relativity of all positions, including our own, which are a mixture of truth and error. In all humility, we strive to know the highest truth, aware of our limits of understanding it. We are also aware of how our grasping self-interest may obscure our search for the truth. In our debates with others, we can separate the person from their opinions. We always honor the person despite our vigorous disagreement with their ideas. Our eyes are constantly fixed on the truth, not our self-interest. 

Approaching conflicts with a caring indifference is the path to authentic harmony in the midst of polarized thinking. Mohandas Gandhi (1869-1948), who lived in societies torn apart by racial prejudice, modeled this approach. He engaged in peaceful protests, marches, strikes, and fasting in South Africa and India. His nonviolent standing up for truth, called “Satyagraha,” eventually defeated apartheid in South Africa and British rule in India. His philosophy of nonviolent soul-power also inspired both Martin Luther King, Jr. and Nelson Mandela in their liberation movements. 

GANDHI, MAN OF TRUTH 

Gandhi wrote his memoirs while incarcerated for civil disobedience. In his autobiography (New York: Dover Publications, 1983), subtitled “The Story of My Experiments with Truth,” Gandhi recounted his spiritual journey that inspired his social activism. He firmly believed that only Truth could set us free. The search for the highest Truth became his life’s preoccupation. He wrote: “But for me, truth is the sovereign principle….But I worship God as Truth only. I have not yet found Him, but I am seeking after Him. I am prepared to sacrifice things dearest to me in pursuit of this quest. Even if the sacrifice demanded be my very life, I may be prepared to give it.” (p. ix) He sought the truth in every situation of his life. He considered himself “humbler than dust” in this pursuit. 

Throughout his life, he undertook personal experiments to discover the truth. He considered himself a scientist of the truth. He examined every experience as “a scientist who, with the utmost accuracy, forethought and minuteness, never claims any finality about conclusions, but keeps an open mind regarding them. I have gone through deep self-introspection, searched myself through and through, and examined and analyzed every psychological situation.” (p. viii) Gandhi believed the inner and outer worlds were not as separate as we imagine. He put the same energy in examining himself and his motivations as he did the situation in which he found himself. 

Gandhi was an intensely religious man. He was raised Hindu, but also investigated other religions to discover their truth. In his quest for understanding, he did not want to accept any religious teachings because they were handed on by authorities. Instead, he measured each teaching and practice “to satisfy my reason and my heart.” After prayer, study, and discussion with others, he concluded that all religions were true and had some error in them. He saw all religions as different roads converging on the same goal. It mattered little which path someone chose, as long as they followed it with honesty and integrity. He claimed there are as many religions as there are individuals. 

In his openness to the truth, Gandhi had an unexpected conversion experience. As a young attorney, he went to South Africa on business. While on a train to Pretoria, a conductor approached him and demanded that he move from his first class seat to a lower compartment because he was a colored man. Gandhi protested. The police were called, and he was thrown off the train. Gandhi spent the night in the train station waiting room. It was bitterly cold. The room had no light or heat. He spent a sleepless night searching his soul: “I began to think of my duty. Should I fight for my rights or go back to India, or should I go on to Pretoria without minding the insults, and return to India after finishing the case? It would be cowardice to run back to India without fulfilling my obligation. The hardship to which I was subjected was superficial—only a symptom of the deep disease of color prejudice. I should try, if possible, to root out the disease and suffer hardships in the process.” (p. 97) He decided to take the next available train to Pretoria.

Gandhi then turned the searchlight of truth on the social situation in South Africa. He exposed the darkness of oppression and injustice towards the outcasts of society. He developed a scientific method of gathering facts about a given situation by studying, reflecting and talking with others. Always open to new information, he developed tentative conclusions, which he further tested to verify their validity. After much research, he acted by writing about what he saw and helped organize groups to address the injustice.

In order to stay open to the truth, Gandhi learned he had to free himself from self-centered desires and illusions. He turned the searchlight on himself. He came to believe that we can know the truth only if we are free. Gandhi identified with the suffering of the people. He wrote: “Identification with everything that lives is impossible without self-purification….But the path of self-purification is hard and steep. To attain perfect purity one has to become passion-free in thought, speech and action; to rise above the opposing currents of love and hatred, attachment and repulsion….To conquer the subtle passions seems to me to be harder far than the physical conquest of the world by force of arms.” (p. 454). He chose a life of self-renunciation, fasting often and living a simple, celibate life. 

Gandhi followed the guidance of the Bhagavad Gita, the Hindu Bible, which recommends a path of self-renunciation: “Self-mastered, with mind unattached at all times, beyond desire, one attains through renunciation the supreme freedom from action.” (18: 49) He believed we could only see the light of truth clearly after we cleaned the dirt from the windows of our soul. 

Gandhi further learned that love was essential both for the discovery of and living out of the truth. He firmly believed that only love, not hatred, could overcome evil. For him, the essence of love was “ahisma,” the refusal to do any harm. Gandhi wrote: “’Hate the sin and not the sinner’ is a precept which, though easy enough to understand, is rarely practiced, and that is why the poison of hatred spreads in the world. This ahisma is the basis of the search for truth. I am realizing every day that the search is vain unless it is founded on ahisma as the basis. It is quite proper to resist and attack a system, but to resist and attack its author is tantamount to resisting and attacking oneself.” (p. 242) Gandhi realized that authentic love recognizes our communion with one another. Whatever we do to others, we do to ourselves.

Gandhi gathered a group of followers for his work of Satygraha, standing firm in the truth. Always the realist, he said, “Experience has taught me that civility is the most difficult part of Satygraha. Civility does not here mean the mere outward gentleness of speech cultivated for the occasion, but an inward gentleness and desire to do the opponent good.” (p. 394) As busy as he was, Gandhi spent one day each week in complete silence. He taught his followers to be both active and contemplative in the work. He also showed them that dedication to the truth required self-purification, self-denial, and love that wishes only the good of the other. 

TRUTH TRAINING 

As Gandhi clearly showed by his life, to have constructive conversations in polarized settings, we must develop a spiritual practice. The following are some elements essential to that practice: 

Have passion for Truth: 

Our discussions often go in circles and never come to resolutions because both parties do not share the same goal. Some hidden agenda drives the conversation. However, we can have a meeting of the minds only if we share a common search for the truth in any situation. Of course, we all have differing perceptions and interpretations. Yet, our goal needs to be the same: to know the Truth in all its many splendored facets. The quest never ends. It advances through honest discussions. We never possess the whole Truth. It possesses us, but only if we are willing to sacrifice all for that pearl of great price. Gandhi, like Jesus, surrendered his life willingly for it. 

There is a familiar story about the desire to know. A student asked his teacher, “How can I become enlightened?” The teacher took the student down to the river and held his head under water. The student thrashed about. Finally, the teacher let him go. The student raised his head above the surface, gasping for air. The teacher said, “If you want to be enlightened, you have to desire to know Truth as much as you wanted air.” 

Our serious conversations will only be fruitful if Truth is our heart’s passion. 

Remove your own planks: 

We imagine that others create our greatest obstacles in communicating. We blame them for the stalemate. Their disagreement and hostile attitude provoke us. We retaliate to defend ourselves. “I’m not going to take that,” we tell ourselves. In self-defense, we accuse them of being ignorant, narrow-minded, stubborn, deceitful, and so forth. We suspect hidden agendas. We try to analyze their motivations for holding positions contrary to our own. 

Difficult conversations arouse uncomfortable reactions that alert us, “We have work to do on ourselves.” Gandhi, like Jesus, reminded us to look at the plank in our own eye, rather than the splinter in the others’. We cannot see the truth or communicate clearly until we recognize our own blind spots and hidden desires. Only the pure of heart can know the Truth (God). 

Our search for truth demands that we turn the spotlight on ourselves. We ask ourselves probing questions: What are my biases? To what illusions do I cling? Do I have any hidden agenda? Does my self-interest distort my perceptions? Do I think I need to be right more than truthful? The questions are endless and require an honest and humble self-examination, confronting of our own character flaws. Despite the illusion that we are battling others in our debates, we are really involved in a life-or-death self-confrontation. Self-mastery is our goal. “One who conquers himself is greater than another who conquers a thousand times a thousand on the battlefield,” the Buddha said. A millennium later, Mohammed reminded his followers that the greater jihad (holy war) was with themselves, and not others.

Honest communication begins with sincere self-examination. 

Do no harm: 

We may realize that hatred never overcomes hatred; only love does. Anger outbursts only invite retaliation and guilt feelings later. In our debates with others, we may restrain our hostile behavior and unkind words, but indulge judgmental thoughts about our opponents. We keep the harsh criticisms to ourselves, believing they are harmless. However, thoughts have great power. They travel, and eventually lead to action. Gandhi insists upon ahisma, no harm, in all our deeds, words, and thoughts. He recommends gentleness even in our thinking. We work to master our whole self. 

We have difficulty separating persons from their opinions. We believe, “Actions and words reveal who a person really is.” However, Gandhi underlined the importance of separating the person from their opinions. Our thoughts and feelings arise from us, but they are not us. As human beings, we have infinite value, even though we do not always act that way. Thoughts and reactions come and go. We can hate the sin, the misguided thoughts and behavior of another, but still love the sinner. In our debates, we can object vehemently to what our opponents say, but still love and respect them. We keep our focus on the truth we all seek. 

Conflicts can only be resolved through love and respect for the Truth and one another.

Investigate like a scientist: 

Many debates derail when we take things personally. We may get angry and demean the other for disagreeing with us. Or we may react to their hostile attitudes and defensiveness. In reality, all thoughts and opinions are simply objects in the mind. They are impersonal and constantly change. Nothing is really personal in the exchange of ideas. 

Gandhi advised approaching all opinions as objects to be investigated. Most disputed issues are complex. All of our interpretations about them contain both truth and error. We can act as impartial scientists in exploring any ideas about a given topic. To arrive at truth, we need to gather information and investigate thoroughly. Due diligence guides us. We study the question, reflect deeply, and talk with others. Of course, we learn most from those with whom we disagree than from those of like mind. We arrive at temporary conclusions from the available information and keep digging for deeper truths. We are always free to change our minds as we learn more. No opinion is set in stone. 

An impartial scientific approach removes the emotional heat from any disagreement. 

Listen openly and speak honestly: 

Fear paralyzes us. We may hide behind fixed ideas for protection, resulting in polarization. We may then avoid engaging others on controversial subjects for fear of confrontation. However, if we do not enter into dialogue, the stalemate will continue. Our mistrust of each other will grow.

In risking honest dialogue, we begin to break down the walls of mistrust. Here there is no room for self-righteousness, the desire to win, or the need to be right. In all humility, we recognize that Truth is infinitely greater than our capacity to comprehend or express it. Nevertheless, we strive together to discern the partial truths in any given situation. We can only discover them by working together, sharing our views. Again, in humility, we admit that all opinions, including our own, contain both truth and error. And we can learn from each other. 

We begin by listening with an open mind. As best we can, we try to create an atmosphere of safety, without hostility or judgment. We all need to know we will not be attacked to feel safe for dialogue. Our sincere curiosity and interest in learning invites those with an opposing point of view to speak openly. We demonstrate respect for them when we honestly express what we believe to be true, and give an account of our reasoning. Like Gandhi, we participate in ongoing experiments with truth, entrusting others with our truth. 

We open the lines of communication by creating an atmosphere of safety.

PRACTICE: BREATHING PEACE 

We can engage in difficult conversations fruitfully only if we can remain calm. Inner peace opens the door for peaceful dialogue. The following is a traditional practice for calming the mind:

In this practice, we focus on our breathing. Why the breath? It is the energy of life. We breathe to live, and when we stop, we die. We expire. Our breathing also connects us physically with the whole universe. We bring in air from the outside and then expel it. Breath also has a spiritual meaning. It comes from the Hebrew word “ruah,” which means Spirit. God’s Spirit hovered over creation. Then God breathed His Spirit into Adam. We are inspired, enlivened by God’s Spirit. 

Before engaging in a challenging conversation, spend some time alone with yourself. Begin this practice by sitting in a comfortable position and concentrating only on your breathing. Put aside all your worrisome thoughts for a moment. Then take a deep breath slowly. Imagine breathing in fresh, cool air that fills your lungs and your whole body. Feel inspired and full of new life. Continue taking deep breaths and feel the calmness it brings to both your mind and body. 

Next, shift your attention to your worrisome mind. Let your mind wander to all the fears and confusing feelings you have about the difficult conversation. Imagine the anxiety and confusion being attached to the air in your lungs. Experience it as hot, heavy, contaminated air. Expel it in a slow breathing out. Feel all the garbage leave you, riding on your breath. Empty your lungs of all the negativity within. Then breathe in deeply the cool, refreshing air that replaces the dark emptiness within 

Continue breathing in and out, conscious of sending out the darkness and dread within and receiving light and relief from without. Keep practicing until you feel the calmness replace the tension. You can do this exercise anywhere, anytime when you are feeling stress. Just focus on your steady breathing and not the calamitous storytelling in your mind. When your mind is calm and detached from its afflictive passions, you can engage openly and honestly in any conversation. No emotional drama will sidetrack you. Of course, the more you practice becoming non-attached to your negative story-telling, the more natural it will become. And the more satisfying will your personal encounters become. 

We live in a house divided. The polarized thinking in our society interferes with, and even destroys, our closest relationships. There appears to be no resolution to this deadlock. However, as Gandhi, the great peacemaker and man of truth showed, we can bring about reconciliation by addressing first the contradictions within ourselves. By gaining self-mastery of our passions we can see more clearly and engage in honest dialogue with others. In the end, only our mutual search for the truth will set us free.

For more posts by and about Dr. Ortman and his books, click HERE.

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