Daily Excerpt: Life, Liberty, and Covid-19: The Inner Game of Survival (Ortman) - The forgiveness Process
Excerpt from Life, Liberty, and Covid-19 by Dennis Ortman -
FORGIVENESS PROCESS
Forgiveness requires baby steps. It is a process that
unfolds over time, with many twists and turns. Here are some marks of authentic
forgiveness:
A whole person response
Forgiveness does not mean just saying the words, “I forgive
you.” It is the response to an offense that involves the whole person,
requiring a change of heart toward the offender. It engages the will, emotions,
and mind. Mercy begins with a decision to commit ourselves to a process of
giving up our anger and replacing it with kindness toward the offender. That
decision is made again and again. We acknowledge the pain of loss caused by
those we believe acted in a way to destroy our lives. Finally, through
forgiveness, we seek to understand ourselves and those who harmed us in a new
light so we can heal.
Make a decision
Forgiveness does not just happen. Time alone does not heal
all wounds. To be merciful is a conscious decision, a free act of the will. We
begin by deciding in our heart that we want to forgive those who harmed us,
even though everything within us resists showing mercy. The decision says, “I
want to move on with my life and not let the suffering over what happened hold
me back.” No one can coerce us into making that decision. We decide when we are
ready, when we feel inwardly moved to surrender our anger. We give up our false
assumption that anger protects us from being hurt again.
Acknowledge the hurt
We cannot sidestep the pain of loss to our health,
lifestyle, or livelihood. We may be tempted to bury the hurt by rushing toward
a quick forgiveness without acknowledging the harm done. Or we may hide the
pain, strike out in rage, and refuse to forgive. Or we may wallow in the pain
by clinging to the victim role. The middle course between suppressing and
indulging our feelings leads to inner healing and forgiveness. It is the way of
gently holding our pain and nursing the wounds. We fully acknowledge our painful
losses. We know that when we repress feelings they grow in power and return
with a vengeance.
Empathy helps
When someone harms us, we spontaneously react, “I don’t
understand how they could do that!” Our lack of understanding is a barrier to
forgiveness. However, there is an old saying, “To understand all is to forgive
all.” If we make the effort to put ourselves in the shoes of those who harmed
us, we can begin to change our hearts. We try to understand what motivated
their actions and opinions. For example, the behavior we perceive as harmful
may arise from priorities that differ from ours. It may be caused by their
suffering. Hurt people hurt people. Or their misguided, hurtful actions may
come from their ignorance, their limited views of the situation. Few act out of
a love of evil, as we may initially think.
An ongoing decision
Many mistakenly believe that forgiveness is a one-time
decision. Nothing could be further from the truth. Rather, forgiveness is an
ongoing, adventurous journey. It leads us to a deep exploration of the
motivations of ourselves and the offender. The initial decision to forgive
starts us on a twisting path toward a full acceptance of ourselves and the
person who harmed us. Yet, it does not tolerate destructive behavior. Mercy gives
us a direction, as on a compass. It does not settle in a particular location.
We never know for sure where our forgiveness will take us. We can only engage
whole-heartedly in the journey which ultimately leads to our own inner healing.
A process of letting go
When we are mourning, the pain of the losses we suffer is
the center of our lives. We have lost so much during the pandemic. We are angry
at those we perceive as taking so much from us against our will. Anger also
takes a central place in our consciousness. Over time, we can develop an
identity as a helpless victim, feeling sorry for ourselves. Forgiveness breaks
this self-defeating cycle. In choosing to forgive, we begin the process of
letting go of the pain, the anger, and the victim mentality. It is taking the
attitude of Mother Mary in the Beatle’s song, “Let it be.” As we face our
suffering with an open mind and heart, something remarkable happens. The pain
no longer dominates our life as it did before. The injury no longer holds
center stage. Our mourning moves us toward the acceptance of the painful
losses. It also releases the anger that holds us hostage.
Moving toward freedom
war, and a time for peace. (3: 1-8)
The Coronavirus arrived suddenly and will disappear
according to its own timetable. We will mourn for a while. Our sadness will
eventually turn to joy. We are engaged in a war with COVID-19 and among
ourselves. We can usher in the time of love and peace by whole-heartedly
choosing to forgive ourselves and others.
Let me suggest an exercise to aid in the process of
forgiving.
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