Daily Excerpt: Life, Liberty, and Covid-19: The Inner Game of Survival (Ortman) - The forgiveness Process

 

Excerpt from Life, Liberty, and Covid-19 by Dennis Ortman -

FORGIVENESS PROCESS

Forgiveness requires baby steps. It is a process that unfolds over time, with many twists and turns. Here are some marks of authentic forgiveness:

A whole person response

Forgiveness does not mean just saying the words, “I forgive you.” It is the response to an offense that involves the whole person, requiring a change of heart toward the offender. It engages the will, emotions, and mind. Mercy begins with a decision to commit ourselves to a process of giving up our anger and replacing it with kindness toward the offender. That decision is made again and again. We acknowledge the pain of loss caused by those we believe acted in a way to destroy our lives. Finally, through forgiveness, we seek to understand ourselves and those who harmed us in a new light so we can heal.

Make a decision

Forgiveness does not just happen. Time alone does not heal all wounds. To be merciful is a conscious decision, a free act of the will. We begin by deciding in our heart that we want to forgive those who harmed us, even though everything within us resists showing mercy. The decision says, “I want to move on with my life and not let the suffering over what happened hold me back.” No one can coerce us into making that decision. We decide when we are ready, when we feel inwardly moved to surrender our anger. We give up our false assumption that anger protects us from being hurt again.

Acknowledge the hurt

We cannot sidestep the pain of loss to our health, lifestyle, or livelihood. We may be tempted to bury the hurt by rushing toward a quick forgiveness without acknowledging the harm done. Or we may hide the pain, strike out in rage, and refuse to forgive. Or we may wallow in the pain by clinging to the victim role. The middle course between suppressing and indulging our feelings leads to inner healing and forgiveness. It is the way of gently holding our pain and nursing the wounds. We fully acknowledge our painful losses. We know that when we repress feelings they grow in power and return with a vengeance.

Empathy helps

When someone harms us, we spontaneously react, “I don’t understand how they could do that!” Our lack of understanding is a barrier to forgiveness. However, there is an old saying, “To understand all is to forgive all.” If we make the effort to put ourselves in the shoes of those who harmed us, we can begin to change our hearts. We try to understand what motivated their actions and opinions. For example, the behavior we perceive as harmful may arise from priorities that differ from ours. It may be caused by their suffering. Hurt people hurt people. Or their misguided, hurtful actions may come from their ignorance, their limited views of the situation. Few act out of a love of evil, as we may initially think.

An ongoing decision

Many mistakenly believe that forgiveness is a one-time decision. Nothing could be further from the truth. Rather, forgiveness is an ongoing, adventurous journey. It leads us to a deep exploration of the motivations of ourselves and the offender. The initial decision to forgive starts us on a twisting path toward a full acceptance of ourselves and the person who harmed us. Yet, it does not tolerate destructive behavior. Mercy gives us a direction, as on a compass. It does not settle in a particular location. We never know for sure where our forgiveness will take us. We can only engage whole-heartedly in the journey which ultimately leads to our own inner healing.

A process of letting go

When we are mourning, the pain of the losses we suffer is the center of our lives. We have lost so much during the pandemic. We are angry at those we perceive as taking so much from us against our will. Anger also takes a central place in our consciousness. Over time, we can develop an identity as a helpless victim, feeling sorry for ourselves. Forgiveness breaks this self-defeating cycle. In choosing to forgive, we begin the process of letting go of the pain, the anger, and the victim mentality. It is taking the attitude of Mother Mary in the Beatle’s song, “Let it be.” As we face our suffering with an open mind and heart, something remarkable happens. The pain no longer dominates our life as it did before. The injury no longer holds center stage. Our mourning moves us toward the acceptance of the painful losses. It also releases the anger that holds us hostage.

Moving toward freedom

war, and a time for peace. (3: 1-8)

The Coronavirus arrived suddenly and will disappear according to its own timetable. We will mourn for a while. Our sadness will eventually turn to joy. We are engaged in a war with COVID-19 and among ourselves. We can usher in the time of love and peace by whole-heartedly choosing to forgive ourselves and others.

Let me suggest an exercise to aid in the process of forgiving.

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