Daily Excerpt: Soccer Is Fun without Parents (Jonas) - The Screamer (Parent)
The following excerpt comes from Soccer Is Fun without Parents by Peter Jonas.
The Screamer (Parent)
The Screamer is loud, and you know
them right away. They scream about the refs, the coaches, and most often, the
players: “Get the ball!” “Big kick!” “Hustle Timmy, hustle!” Their voice
typically carries into the next town, as if the louder they yell the better the
kids play. It does not work that way, sorry. However, there is a direct
correlation between how loud you yell and how embarrassed your kids are to be
from the same family.
Have you ever thought about
what the player thinks when parents are screaming at them? Here is someone
twice as large as you, hollering at you all the time to perfectly complete
tasks that you might not be skilled enough to perform. Talk about pressure!
Freud would have a field day with the Screamer.
Sometimes it is not just one or two
parents that do the unbelievable. Maybe the crowd mentality takes over and a
group simply goes crazy. One beautiful day in Leyland, Texas a group of soccer
parents used their mobile phones as a distraction for the goal tender in a U-13
soccer match. Not just one or two crazy parents, but up to 100 supporters of Moston Brook under-13s, and rivals Knuzden of the
Blackburn and Darwen District Junior League, were behind the goals at the
Lancashire FA County Ground in Leyland for the Tesco-sponsored County Cup
Final. Apparently the match was a draw, 2-2, and the game went to a penalty
shoot-out, which Moston won. The incident started when the Moston Brook's
12-year-old goalkeeper, Alex, was sent off during the shoot-out for alleged
comments made to the referee. Of course, this led to the Moston Brook manager,
Michelle, and her assistant running onto the pitch to confront the referee. I
think all soccer parents need to watch the Little League World series every
year in Williamsport, PA. These kids have fun, play hard, and when they strike
out, they smile and run back to the bench. The parents appear to cheer no
matter what, and the umpires enjoy the game (Manchester Evening News, 2007).
Anyway, back to harsh reality. The match ended in controversy when parents cheered
loudly after missed shots and flashed mobile phones at players to distract them
during a penalty shoot-out. One official at the game said, "It was a
disgraceful situation. The pair [manager and assistant manager] should not have
come on the pitch, and the cheering of missed penalties and the use of mobile
phones to put off young players taking penalties is frankly beyond
belief." I guess in this electronic age anything is now possible (Manches Evening News, 2007).
Many countries are inflicted with
the disease known as “soccer parents.” The title of the following story tells
it all: “Soccer Mom in Norway Attacks Player, Strangles Ref.” The details of
the incident are taken directly from the newspaper report in Aftenposten. A soccer mom took objection
to a play on the field and decided to act. “A female parent from the visiting
team came running onto the pitch and attacked a 13-year-old. She pushed the
13-year-old onto the ground, so the girl was lying on her back,” Tor Eriksen of
the Bardufoss regional sports association (BOIF) told NRK (Norwegian
Broadcasting). The BOIF girls were called a range of nasty names and were also
told to “get their ugly asses off the field.” The excitable mother from Tromsø
was not content with insults and flinging a girl to the ground. She then took a
stranglehold on the referee and had to be restrained by BOIF leaders. Now that is parenting! And to think my mother only showed
support for my team by bringing orange slices at halftime (The
Fatref blogpost, 2007).
Not
to be outdone, Deadspin reported the story of a mother who literally abandoned
her 15-year-old on a highway. Apparently, the woman was disgusted with how the
daughter played in a recent soccer match. On the ride home, the mother screamed
at her 15-year-old daughter in the car about her performance and asked her to
repeat areas of her game that needed improvement. When the daughter missed a few of the items,
the mother slapped the daughter, ultimately getting so mad that she stopped along Interstate 80 and left her there. I am not sure what else
to add to this story, but I think the daughter may be better on the road than
with this mother.
Researchers Bruce Brown and Rob Miller asked college
athletes what their parents said that made them feel great and brought them joy
when they played sports. Trust me, none of the athletes said that being left on
the side of the highway was how they learned the most from their parents. The
most common response from the athletes was that they appreciated it most when
their parents said, “I love to watch you play.”
Many parents do, in fact, say they love to watch their
little athletes play, but the problem is HOW they express this concept. The
following is a story about a few parents who simply got too involved in a youth
soccer match. Remember, this is youth soccer not the World Cup—but to be
honest, it would be bad even at the World Cup. Two fathers, one from each
opposing team, got into a “cheering” match. Granted, this was not a well
refereed contest, but the referee was a young man in his late 20s trying his
best. As the ref made one bad call after another, the parents egged him on. A bad
call against the FC Clinton team meant that the parent from the FC Blast team
would mock cheer, “Oh, great call, ref,” and vice versa. This banter continued
to escalate until most of the other parents were more annoyed with the two
fathers than the poor referee. Let the shouting war begin. FC Clinton dad: “You
cannot trip a player.” FC Blast dad: “There was no tripping on the play. The
girl is just clumsy,” FC Clinton dad: “You cannot trip a player.” FC Blast dad:
“There was no tripping on the play. The girl is just clumsy.” (Continue this
cycle for a ridiculously long time and you get the idea.)
The referee should have just given his whistle to the two
dads and let them finish reffing the game, but it was just at this point that the
“cheering” got dreadful. FC Clinton dad: “Sit down and shut the hell up.” FC
Blast dad: “Why don’t you just come over here and make me?” FC Clinton dad:
“You are not worth the effort.” FC Blast dad: “There will be no effort at all
as I kick you’re a$$.” You must wonder how these two men hold normal jobs and
have a family.
Thankfully, the wives of the two obnoxious, testosterone
driven, narcissistic males intervened, and it did not come to blows. After the
game, as the referee left the field and, of course, one of the “cheering”
parents went up to give him a few comments, the ref was not having any of it. I
heard him say, “I became a ref after a long career playing, and I know what I
am doing. Besides, now that my playing days are over, if I can't enjoy the
game, I'll make damn sure nobody else will.” Drop the mic.
Here is advice for parents who consistently cheer, and
jeer, their kids. It comes from R. Mendoza, who wrote on FUNdamental Soccer
about “Coaching Children.” Remember the
following:
1. Parents spend the first two years of
their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen years
telling them to sit down and listen to your instructions.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not
killing your own children.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact,
they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's
parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are
still getting in.
7. Be nice to your kids/players. They may
choose or work in your nursing home one day.
And finally, if you have a lot of
tension during soccer games, simply do what it says on the aspirin bottle.
“Take two aspirin and keep away from children.”
Rayvon is one of those Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hype type of parents. At work
or on the racquetball court, he is the nicest, most pleasant person. He doesn’t
argue with other players at racquetball, he is a servant leader at work, and
everyone loves him. Rayvon even served in the military for many years, making
rank of Sergeant. While serving in the military down south, his son played
soccer on an elite team. Rayvon would get off duty and rush over to the pitch
in his uniform to cheer on Robby. However, Rayvon’s form of cheering may be a
little different than what you are used to. He literally brought a megaphone to
the games to yell at his son—which I am sure Robby thoroughly enjoyed (sarcasm).
Rayvon would run up and down the sidelines, with his big megaphone, yelling
“instructions” to Robby. The coaches disapproved of this action as much as
Robby did, but to no avail. Then one day, the assistant coach simply walked
over to Rayvon, took off his coaching jersey, handed it to Rayvon and walked
away. You would think that he would be embarrassed, but instead, Rayvon did not
miss a beat. He walked over next to the coach, megaphone still in hand, and
continued his verbal diarrhea toward the players.
Rayvon should take note that on a military base in North Carolina, they
place Marine Corps representatives around the field whose jobs are to note
the final scores and make sure the youth soccer games run smoothly. One parent
refers to them as “bouncers,” for obvious reasons. My guess is that military
parents at these games are very well behaved and do not get within six feet of
the men who are in uniforms with guns. This is either a great idea or another
sign of the apocalypse.
Some of the “quiet adults” fall
into the category of overly cheering parents, too. These are the parents that
sit in their folding chairs all game drinking coffee. You can spot them because
they have coffee stains on all their shirts. This is because they sit and sit
and sit until their team scores, and then they jump up (spilling their coffee)
and cheer in an overexuberant way. They also get mad at those darn parents who
never stop screaming from the sidelines, but the “quiet adults” are first to
whisper to their neighbor when a team is doing poorly, and they love to spread
rumors about what parent has a “special problem” or that one of the players
from the other team is NOT eight years old. “Our coach needs to get a copy of
his birth certificate because I know he is either nine or ten years old.”
Another parent story recounts the
adventures of Sandy, an elementary school counselor. Sandy was always willing
to help and cheer on her “kids.” She wanted all of them to get along and play
together. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself while
all the other kids were playing soccer on the other side of the field. Sandy walked
over to the young girl and asked if she was all right. The girl quietly said,
“Yes.” A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same
spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like
me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay,"
looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then
asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because,"
the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
If you have ever travelled to
Muscatine, Iowa, you will find a small, quant village of about 22,000 people.
Muscatine is on the Mississippi River but sort of in the middle of nowhere.
Don’t get me wrong, the city is nice but very rural. As you drive through town,
you see small but well-kept homes, a local tavern, a quaint family grocery
store, and a stop sign or two. Then you go up a steep hill and come out on the
other side only to view the Field of Dreams. This is not really what it is
called, but there is the Muscatine Soccer Complex, which is a 41-acre, $3.8
million soccer facility that features eight full-sized, state-of-the-art,
premiere soccer fields. Two of the eight fields are internationally sized,
lighted, and contain amended soils. The complex is fully equipped, including
concessions, media centers, restroom facilities, and parking areas. It is the
most beautiful grass you have ever seen in your life, in the middle of
nowhere—again, sorry Muscatine. The complex sells t-shirts that say, “Badass
Grass,” and it is. I am including the story of Muscatine in this section of the
book because when we first travelled to the field, a few of the parents kept
saying, “If we can’t win on this grass, we can’t win anywhere.” I thought to
myself, what does grass have to do with
our team winning, and isn’t the other team playing on the same grass? I do
have to admit that I was almost afraid to walk on the grass, in fear of hurting
it or something. I laid down in the middle of the field just because it looked
so comfortable. Sometimes parents act
more like 8-year-olds than their real 8-year-old. During one game, the parents
started a chant of, “Bad Ass Grass, Bad Ass Grass.”
Servant Leadership: Listening
“Traditionally, leaders have been
valued for their communication and decision-making skills. Servant-leaders must
reinforce these important skills by making a deep commitment to listening
intently to others. Servant-leaders seek to identify and clarify the will of a
group. They seek to listen receptively to what is being done and said (not just
said). Listening also encompasses getting in touch with one’s inner voice and
seeking to understand what is being communicated” (Spears, 1995).
Servant leaders listen. They do not
listen to hear; they listen to understand. True servant leaders listen not only
with their ears, but their eyes. Have you ever heard the expression, “actions
speak louder than words?” Parents need to listen to coaches and their children,
and then watch what they are doing. Moreover, communication involves what your
kids say and what they do not say.
Believe it or not, your kids are really smart. The leader/follower
relationship is complex enough without parents yelling contradictory
information to their children. Let your child develop soccer and leadership
skills on the pitch.
It is ironic that we constantly ask
our children to listen, but we do not really teach them how to do this. Stephen
Covey, the author of The 7 Habits of
Highly Effective People, identified five levels of listening:
1.
Ignoring
2.
Pretend listening
3.
Selective listening
4.
Attentive listening
5.
Empathic listening
Really listening to people for understanding is level 5, and if parents would really practice empathic listening, they would learn that coaches and kids do not want them screaming at soccer matches. In addition, for a youth player to become good at soccer, he/she needs to really listen to their coaches to learn. Empathic listening is one skill learned in youth soccer.
Bronze awards, Readers' Favorite
American Book Fest Best Books Award Finalist
Kops-Fetherling International Book Awards, Legacy Award for Leadership Books
For more posts about Peter and his book, click HERE.
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