Weekly Soul - Week 28 - Acceptance
Today's meditation from Weekly Soul: Fifty-two Meditations on Meaningful, Joyful, and Peaceful Living by Dr. Frederic Craigie.
-28-
Why
bother accepting reality? Why confront helplessness, terror or losses? Why not
distract ourselves as much as possible from the inevitable destruction that
awaits us and all we love? Spiritual and religious teachers say that a full
embrace of reality, in all its glory and horror is the only way out of even
greater suffering. This is not an idea that enjoy popularity in our secular
culture. Popular culture encourages people to distract themselves from ultimate
reality with work, achievement, financial success, internet surfing and sports…
people are frantically rowing toward something or someone who will get them out
of their pain. Spiritual traditions teach people to let go of this pointless
venture. Only the individual who can embrace reality as it is will find peace
of mind, equanimity or a state of grace.
Cynthia Sanderson
I collect folk wisdom and stories of
resilience. A phrase I often hear from people facing serious and often
inalterable life challenges is, “It is what it is.”
For a number of years after the Iraq war,
our community in Maine saw a modest influx of refugees who had fled their
country because their politics or their religion had made them unwelcome in
their homes. Many of them skilled or professional workers, they told stories of
arduous journeys involving long treks on foot, family separations, and crowded
tent refugee camps on their ways to America.
One man whom I felt privileged to meet had
been an engineer in Iraq. With the support of local general assistance, he was
struggling to get back on his feet, living in a marginal apartment among other
expatriates from his country. His two daughters had become separated from him
and his wife in passing through a camp in Turkey, and he had no idea where they
might now be. He had other extended family members who had remained in Iraq,
and he was gravely concerned for their safety. Nor were his troubles limited to
issues of immigration; both his wife and a daughter who had traveled with them
had significant health issues that required substantial medical care.
Reflecting on all of his hardships, his
comment was “that’s just how it is.” “Everyone has problems,” he continued,
“but you can live moaning and worrying, or you can live. When I hear of
problems in Iraq and worry about my family there, I hold my head and remind
myself to keep my brain in a good situation, not for myself but to make good
decisions for my family… Even though there are dark things, even in the midst
of darkness, you have to live.”
This is acceptance.
Acceptance does not mean approval,
endorsement, or gladness. My friend’s preferred script for his life would never
include displacement from his home, separation from his daughters whom he
loves, or grave illnesses in his family in America.
Acceptance does not mean an absence of
distressed emotions or shallow and silly positivity. We are all gifted with the
ability to feel, and grief… anguish… anger… are part of the human condition.
Acceptance does not mean passivity. My
friend writes letters and calls consulates seeking the whereabouts of his
daughters. He is an advocate for his wife and third daughter in the health care
system. He studies and finds comfort in the Qur’an. And all the while, he is
engaged in relationships with his friends and community.
Acceptance means recognizing reality for
what it is. Looking at it in the face, rather than looking away. Having
emotions but not letting them call the shots.
The fruitless quest to resist, deny, or
avoid reality takes energy away from living your life. The alternative, as my
Iraqi friend teaches me, is to embrace your reality as it is and to keep sight
of who you are and how you are called to live.
Reflection
- Think of a point of suffering
for you. What does it mean to “accept” (Sanderson also introduces the
word, “embrace”) this reality?
- There is no spiritual
depravity in watching some television or videos on your smartphone. Where,
however, do you draw the line between innocuous down time and distraction
that draws you away from who you really are?
- Notice your reactions to the
ongoing or new challenges that you face in the coming week. Consider the
idea that accepting these challenges—seeing them as they are—frees you to
creatively address them.
Author
Cynthia Sanderson, Ph.D. (d. 2003) was an American
psychologist and educator. She served much of her career at New York
Presbyterian Hospital and, at the time of her passing, was Director of Training
at Behavioral Tech, LLC. Cindy, as her friends and colleagues knew her, was
actively involved in a network of psychologists who pursued clinical practice
and research about dialectical behavior therapy (“DBT”), one of a number of
recent approaches to behavior therapy, focusing particularly on helping people
to develop the ability to tolerate distress. She apparently knew whereof she
spoke. Her death came after a many-year struggle with breast cancer, and her
own journey of acceptance is cited in her New York Times obituary:
She lived a vital life filled with great
love for her daughter, family and friends. Some months before Cindy's death,
she wrote to a friend, ‘I stood out on the back porch this afternoon and I
prayed for the peace and grace to accept this life on its own terms...to have
the courage and the will to do just that.
The quotation comes from Sanderson’s
collaboration with two visionary psychologists. It is excerpted from the
chapter, “Acceptance and Forgiveness,” written with Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., in Integrating
Spirituality into Treatment, edited by William R. Miller, Ph.D. (APA,
1999). Linehan is the developer of DBT. Miller is the principal developer of
the widely-used protocol for lifestyle change, Motivational Interviewing.
Book Description:
Keywords:
meditation; reflection; inspiration; miracles; aliveness; purpose; laughter; joy; presence; mindfulness; activism; acceptance; gratitude; forgiveness; creativity; civility; hope; affirmation; wholeness; well-being; mental health; personal growth; transformation; inner peace; personal reflection; joy; joyful living; inspirational quotes; inspirational commentary
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