Weekly Soul: Week 39 - Forgiveness
Today's meditation from Weekly Soul: Fifty-two Meditations on Meaningful, Joyful, and Peaceful Living by Dr. Frederic Craigie.
-39-
Forgiveness is essential in life because we make
mistakes all the time. Sometimes we’re put in impossible situations where
people get hurt even when we’re doing the right thing; a boss who has to fire
an employee who is undermining morale, for instance, or a mother who has to
stop giving money to her drug-addicted son. How do we forgive ourselves when we
cause others pain, knowingly or unknowingly? The first step is to keep out
hearts open to our own remorse rather than deflect it with anger or
self-justification. Then we respond compassionately with ourselves, in words or
deeds.
Christopher Germer
A nurse in her early 30s described a
painful and emotionally wayward background, during which she had flirted with
substance abuse and had a series of relationships with needy and clinging
people. As she was getting her life together, she reflected,
It has to start with loving myself, accepting myself in spite of the poor
decisions I have made, because if I don’t love myself, then I just allow myself
to get drawn into bad relationships and if I love myself, then that frees me to
be who I am.
Indeed, we make mistakes all the time: errors
of commission and errors of omission. I cringe when I think of all the times I
have spoken something unkind or thoughtless, when I have held back from being
engaged with something that really needed my attention, when I didn’t know what
to do, or when I flat-out made wrong decisions. Times, looking back, when I
might have acted with greater kindness, wisdom, courage, or circumspection in
my personal life and in my professional life.
Mistakes and failures are part of the
human condition. Forgiveness frees us of the corrosive effects of these
shortcomings. It frees us to learn and grow. It changes our relationships with
ourselves.
There are challenges, of course. Forgiving
ourselves is not always easy. For most of us—most of you reading this—it’s a
lot easier to be charitable with other people than it is to be charitable with
ourselves. It’s cultural, at least in the circles where I travel, that it is
harder to accept and love ourselves than it is to accept and love other people.
Being judgmental with ourselves, unfortunately, can be a
badge of honor.
Forgiveness
and compassion for ourselves are intertwined with self-care. Unforgiveness
drains away the energy for self-care. I have lost count of the students,
colleagues, and friends who have conflated self-acceptance and time spent on
self-care with selfishness.
Against the background factors that weigh
against it, self-forgiveness is a vital life skill and practice. Forgiving
ourselves—loving ourselves and caring for ourselves in spite of mistakes and
failures—benefits our health and well-being. It reclaims control of our lives
from the emotions of past events that won’t change. It is self-affirming, not
selfish. And it frees us to change and grow.
What, after all, is the alternative? Does
self-condemnation or self-deprecation help? After some consideration, the
answer that most people come to is “no.” People may say that they deserve a
measure of punishment or denial for their mistakes or offenses. Perhaps this is
sometimes appropriate, but how much is enough? Is there a statute of
limitations? Or people may say that self-denigration makes it more likely that
they will be accountable in the future. I’m all for accountability—you can’t
blithely make the same mistakes over and over—but self-forgiveness fosters accountability more than it
impedes it. As Carl Rogers famously commented, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can
change.”
If
self-condemnation doesn’t help, then you need to find a Plan B, right? Often, a
good starting point for self-forgiveness is to reflect on what someone who
dearly loves you would say to you about your shortcomings or offenses. Think of
someone who knows you well and dearly loves you. It may be a particular person
in your life—a partner, a parent, a grandparent who has passed on, a best
friend—or it may be a revered spiritual or religious figure or Presence: Jesus,
the Buddha, Mother Teresa, Desmond Tutu, the Great Spirit. As you and they look
together at your shortcomings, what would they say to you? What would they tell
you? Can you then treat yourself in the same way that they would treat you? Might
it, in fact, dishonor them for you to treat yourself any differently?
Reflection
- We have all been critical of ourselves, for many good reasons, but
there is a difference between bottomless self-deprecation and looking
earnestly at our mistakes and then turning toward self-forgiveness. When
have you experienced—allowed—this transition in yourself? What effects of
this new perspective have you seen?
- Is there perhaps some particular event in your life now where you have
hardened your heart against yourself? What do you think keeps you there? Can
you imagine turning more toward gentleness and compassion with yourself
with this?
- And now, a longer exercise that I often share with groups. There are
two steps of preparation. First, invite into your attention some mistake,
shortcoming, or failure on your part that remains a challenge for you. Second,
find words that describe how you would like to relate to yourself about
this. Be creative; these are your words. Past examples have included:
- Be gentle with myself.
- Love and accept myself.
- See that the good in me far outweighs the bad.
- Be kind toward myself.
- Give myself permission to treat myself kindly.
- Forgive myself.
- Treat myself as my grandmother would treat me.
- Embrace all of who I am, today.
Now put these
together as a meditative exercise:
- Even though (call clearly to your attention the event you’re working
with) …
- May I (insert words of forgiveness or affirmation) …
- So that I can live my life.
Sit with this
for a few minutes.
- In the week to come, notice the times when you are regretful and
self-critical, and see how you might threat yourself with these events in
a life-affirming way.
Author
Christopher
Germer, Ph.D. is
a Boston-based clinical psychologist and educator. His particular interest is
in mindfulness and self-compassion. Early on, Germer’s travels and studies in
India helped to inspire a career-long exploration of the benefits of
mindfulness and meditative practices. In 2008, he began a collaboration with
Kristin Neff, Ph.D., focusing their work together on the development of the
Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) program. The program has been taught to over 100,000
people and is being researched and adapted for specialized populations. Together,
Germer and Neff have written two books on MSC and have established the Center
for Mindful Self-Compassion (centerformsc.org), which supports
teachers and practitioners of MSC around the world. Germer is also a founder of
the Center for Mindfulness and Compassion at the Cambridge Health Alliance, (chacmc.org). The quotation
comes from Germer’s book; the title of which will not surprise you, The
Mindful Path to Self-Compassion (Guilford, 2009).
Book Description:
Keywords:
meditation; reflection; inspiration; miracles; aliveness; purpose; laughter; joy; presence; mindfulness; activism; acceptance; gratitude; forgiveness; creativity; civility; hope; affirmation; wholeness; well-being; mental health; personal growth; transformation; inner peace; personal reflection; joy; joyful living; inspirational quotes; inspirational commentary
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