MSI Press Blog

  Times were tense. I was caregiving for my husband, dying from cancer and on chemotherapy that required multiple trips a week to a distant hospital, my spina bifida daughter in a city a half-hour away who had lost her caregiver during the days of covid, and a CHARGE Syndrome adult son living at home -- and trying to run a business at the same time. The son tried to help out as best he could with his own care, but he did not always have the skills to do so. To wit, the scene above that ensued when he tried to help out by making his own breakfast -- one that at least brought a moment of levity into a too-tense life. Speaking from personal experience, the spouse (in this case wife, but it really does not much which spouse is pressed into the role) who ends up as the caregiver for a cancer patient is in a no-win situation, emotionally and physically. The role of spouse is to support the spouse and to navigate through life together, IMHO. That complicates the matter of caregiving. The two

  Giving care to cancer patients or to anyone with a chronic, life-threatening, terminal illness is highly stressful. This includes hospice situations as well since hospice nurses and aides are only there for a few hours (if that) a week. Meanwhile, the loved one receiving the care may be experiencing deteriorations that are hard to understand (either as patient or caregiver).  While the medical professional generally does a good job, focusing on the needs of the patient, few in the profession give much thought to the caregiver (although some church programs [support groups] exist that do help).  As the patient deteriorates, the stress on the caregiver generally increases -- from a pending sense of doom, from escalating demands on time and knowledge (often inferior to the need), and decreasing lack of time for self-renewal. If you are a caregiver, find some help. Live-in assistance with care provides the most relief, but respite care can help as well. Don't wait until it is too lat

  ANGER needs to be verbalized and needs an outlet. Show me a caregiver who says he or she never gets angry, and I’ll show you a liar or a saint.  Once, a patient who was 75 years old came into my office. She had been caring for her 97-year-old mother for ten years. I told her I was a caregiver, too, and remarked that I thought caring for someone else when you were 75 must be most difficult. With a sheepish look on her face she said, “You know, I’m ashamed to tell you this, but sometimes I get very angry." I responded, “Of course you do; that’s only natural. I get angry, too.”  She looked astonished. “You do?” she said, “I thought I was the only one.” I couldn’t believe my ears. I assured her that most caregivers experience this strong emotion more often than they would like to admit. She was very happy and relieved to hear that.  There is no way you can keep from feeling angry about seeing your loved one suffering and about having acquired such tremendous responsibi

MSI Press, over the years, has published a number of books that focus on cancer, include cancer, or discuss related items such as living with chronic illness, caregiving, dying, and grief. Here are some of them. All of these books can be found on the MSI Press website  HERE .                 For more Cancer Diary posts, click HERE . To reach the MSI Press catalogue, click HERE . Note that the coupon code FF25 will gain you a 25% discount on any book, including those on sale. Blog editor's note: As a memorial to Carl, and simply because it is truly needed, MSI  is now hosting a web page,  Carl's Cancer Compendium , as a one-stop starting point for all things cancer, to make it easier for those with cancer to find answers to questions that can otherwise take hours to track down on the Internet and/or from professionals. The web page is in its infancy but expected to expand into robustness. As part of this effort, each week, on Monday, this blog will carry an informative, cancer-r

  In March, Carl was diagnosed with advanced stage 4 (metastatic) cancer of unknown primary. In August, he died.  When we got the diagnosis, we had to choose a detour from our normal life. There was no way to move straight ahead with life as usual because, you see, there was this big obstacle, called cancer, straight ahead. So, the question was to detour to the left and choose a treatment option, hope, and focus on the living or detour to the right and let nature takes its course, choose to accept the situation at face value, letting nature take its course, and focus on the dying. To fight or to surrender? There was no logical superiority of either path, not knowing what lay behind the cancer tree and how long was the path for it  continued out of sight. We decided not through reasoning but through conditioned reaction to fight. That is what we had done all our adult lives, as we successfully navigated life for four children, two with rare birth defects, and three grandchildren, two wi

  Excerpt from Survival of the Caregiver by Janice Snyder -  B BACKS are the mainstay of our bodies when they're in. When they go out on us, we are in big trouble as caregivers. The first time I pulled a muscle in my back, I was miserable for a week. Then I forgot all about it and lifted something incorrectly again. Two weeks of misery followed. There are rules to live by when lifting something or someone: Always bend the knees and use the leg muscles, not the back. For better leverage, get as close to the object or person as possible. Leaning into the patient's torso minimizes back strain when helping to lift the patient to a sitting position or out of the bed. A slant board enables you to slide a person from and to a bed or chair with less lifting involved. If the dependent is a heavy person, try getting a medical lift that does most of the work. There are special fabric braces made now that give excellent support for your back. They wrap around the waist and are easily att

Chapter 14 Grief Guide: Tips and Validations  “I’ve developed a new philosophy— I only dread one day at a time.”  —Charles M. Schulz  This chapter provides tips to make it through each day, and to validate your experiences. As stated frequently in this book, grief is a powerful experience. You can participate in its power by using your own power to experience it and direct its course or by surrendering to its power. Using your power and surrendering are both important. Swimmers instinctively learn when they can swim, when they can dive into a huge wave, and when they can ride the wave. It is trial and error, and eventually inner knowledge and wisdom are attained, with tumbles and falls, and mouthfuls of sand along the way. Simply scroll through the topics to give yourself a boost. Or stop at one or two of them to read completely. Grief is natural to us as human beings. It may not feel good, but it is good. It is a good process. It is a powerful process. Each loss is uniq

  Have you ever made sure your clients, children, partner, friends, family, or coworkers were OK before noticing you were drained and exhausted yourself? Or maybe you noticed, but you told yourself, "Later. I'll deal with you later." Other people's needs may seem more pressing, and perhaps they legitimately are. You care, and that's a beautiful thing. It's not the caring that's the problem; it's the carrying everybody else's emotions around that is unsustainable.   If you work in a helping profession, or you have children or elderly dependents, or you're the go-to friend for everyone around you, being helpful is probably such a part of who you are that you can't imagine life without being needed. Thank goodness there are people out there in the world who will give the way you do, who put their own problems to the side for a while to attend to others. However, without healthy boundaries and deeply respectful self-love, caretaking can get pre