Excerpt from He's a Porn Addict...Now What? (Overbay and Shea): Introduction
Introduction
This book is a unique collaboration between a mental health
professional, Tony Overbay, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Joshua
Shea, a former journalist who spent more than two decades struggling with
pornography addiction. Usually, the expert sitting in the chair and the person
on the couch getting the help don’t work together on a project outside of the
therapist’s office, but we think this is a natural match. (And for those
wondering, Josh was never Tony’s client—they met on a podcast.)
Tony spends dozens of hours every week working with couples
who are at various stages of the therapy process. Many of these couples have
struggled with pornography issues. Although you’re probably feeling alone in
the world right now, you are not. Tony has dealt with women, men and couples
who are going through exactly what you are experiencing.
Josh was a pillar of his community when his world came
crashing down. A magazine publisher and city councilor, his life changed
forever when he was arrested for inappropriate behavior in a computer chat room
with a teenage girl in 2013. Trips to inpatient rehabilitation, years of
intensive therapy, and a short jail sentence later, he now uses his story to
educate others about pornography addiction.
It is our belief that we can provide you with more complete
answers to the questions that are festering within you than if you were holding a book by only one of us.
The question probably burning inside of you brighter than
any other is the same one we are both asked most often: Is porn addiction real?
We answer that question inside the book, but here’s an early spoiler: It is
100% real.
Throughout the book, we may refer to an attraction to
pornography as an addiction or as an impulse control disorder. The answers
often depend on the question, but either way, it is just a label for a
condition your partner is dealing with. Practically speaking, it doesn’t matter
if it’s an addiction, an impulse control disorder, or some other label. It is
what it is.
Tony works with men every day who try to stop using
pornography while their partners look on feeling helpless. Josh knows firsthand
it’s most likely a behavior that they do not want to continue even if they
don’t want to talk about it. You want to talk about it, and that’s why you’re
reading this book.
There is no miracle phrase, pill, or magic wand. That is the
difficulty in quitting the behavior. Chances are that your partner has been
lying to his parents, his religious leaders, you, his friends—and himself—for
years, which is a big part of the problem.
Some men like the label of addiction because they feel as an
“addict” they can then do work that is recommended for addicts, while others
don’t want to be called addict because it brings up feelings of shame. The
great news for both of you is that there are plenty of methods, tools, and
programs to overcome the problem. We have seen men’s lives changed completely
when finally getting this problem behind them. Josh is one such man.
While we hope reading our answers to these oft-asked
questions will be incredibly helpful to your journey, we also understand there
is no way for us to completely understand all of the backstory of your life as
well as your current situation so certain answers may not feel like the correct
advice at all times. Our answers will hopefully provide you with a framework to
begin processing the multitude of emotions that you’re trying to deal with
right now. We highly recommend finding a professional, whether it be a licensed
therapist, counselor, clinical psychologist, or even a psychiatrist to help you
sort through all of the emotions that you’re dealing with.
The most foreign, yet strongest emotion you may be feeling
is known as “Betrayal Trauma.”
There’s an old adage that “When the addict gets sick, those
around him get sick, too,” but pornography addiction is unlike any other
addiction. The wife of a gambling addict doesn’t wonder what she did wrong in
the marriage. The girlfriend of a heroin addict doesn’t ask herself if she
wasn’t enough in the bedroom. That’s not the case with pornography addiction.
Betrayal trauma refers to the damage caused when one partner
(in this case, your husband or boyfriend) betrays the feelings of safety and
trust the other (you) has instilled in them. When the person you rely on for
support and survival shows themselves to be not what you expected, it can cut
deep. We will delve further into this topic in the book.
In his practice, Tony deals a lot with what is called
“gaslighting,” and when he was deep into his addiction, Josh felt like he had
perfected the art.
If you aren’t familiar with the term, it comes from the 1941
movie Gaslight. In the movie, the
main character turns the gas in his home’s lights down slightly each evening
and tells his wife that she’s imagining that they aren’t as bright, eventually
causing her to feel like she’s going crazy. Gaslighting is a serious issue, but
it’s also one that can be misunderstood.
When gaslighting is happening, the gaslighter (a husband,[1] in
this example) is not only trying to refute what his wife is saying, but he’s
also trying to make her feel bad for even speaking her truth.
We are grateful that you have entrusted us to help you try
and process what is an incredibly difficult time in your life; one that you
most likely never anticipated going through. Just please know that there is a
lot of help out there, and we’re grateful that you’ve chosen us as part of your
discovery/recovery package. The fact that you’re seeking help is very important
as there are so many people who don’t.
Our goal is to provide tools and answers for people who are
in relationships where there can be dialogue. If you feel like you are not able
to voice your concerns or to be able to express your fears, your hurts, and
your pains, then again, we highly recommend that you reach out to a
professional.
In Tony’s experience, when many women go through the pain of
discovery, or disclosure, they are typically met with one of two reactions from
their partners. First is the guy who gets it. This is the guy who either got
caught in his pornography addiction or pre-emptively confessed to his
obsession. Either way, he’s the one who says that he will do whatever it takes
to make this right with you, with God, with whomever matters to him. He says
he’ll do counseling, go to recovery meetings, meet with his pastor, let you see
his phone, and do whatever it takes because he doesn’t want this behavior in
his life.
Then there’s the other guy. He’s the one who says, “Look,
you caught me, I’ll take care of it, but I don’t need you on my case every
minute of the day, asking me if I’m looking at something or asking to see my
phone or my computer.” This is the guy who typically is still not fully dealing
with the problem. He is prone to gaslighting and unhealthy communication.
As Josh can personally attest, many men ping-pong between
the two personality types. Until he spent 17 weeks in inpatient rehab, Josh was
much more like the second guy than the first, but he’s proof that change can happen.
He’ll share stories of both sides.
We believe seeing the addict’s and the expert’s answers
side-by-side will give you a unique perspective on the complexities of the
problems of addiction and its effects on individual mental health and on
relationships.
You are looking for answers, and if you’ve already reached
out to your friends, family, a religious leader, life coach, or a therapist,
you’ve probably received a lot of different answers, and that may leave you
even more concerned and confused.
In purchasing this book, you’ve turned to a former addict
and an expert. We truly believe we offer a more complete picture than any other
text available. There is nothing like this book on the market, and we are
extremely proud of this resource and hope that it will help you in what we know
is an incredibly difficult time.
[1] Throughout this book, we refer to the addict
as male. This is because almost all of the addicts treated by Tony have been
male. In our personal experience, addicts are predominantly male though we know
there are many female addicts out there and this information can pertain to
their partners as well.
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