Excerpt from How to Stay Safe While Sheltering in Place (Schnuelle et al.): Factors to keep in mind where there has been violence in a relationship

Excerpt:

 Two especially important factors to keep in mind when there has been violence in a relationship and there is a potential for it to happen again.

    1) You need to do or say whatever you have to, in order to placate the abusive partner and keep them from escalating. 

    2) Safety overrules accountability. This means that when you are in a potentially dangerous situation, it is better to be safe than to call someone out on their abusive behaviors or statements, which may just escalate things further. While there are many situations that contribute to family violence, parenting and money matters are two of the most common. 

Difficulty with Kids 

Kids are on edge and struggling right now, sometimes not getting schoolwork done or arguing with parents and siblings. In this time of social distancing and perhaps even quarantine, kids cannot do some of the many things that they usually do to de-stress such as play at the park, go play at friends’ houses, attend birthday parties and enjoy extended family. They may also be hearing adults speak of the pandemic or hear or watch news talking about deaths and other frightening topics. Do your best to help them get outside and play in the sunshine as much as possible, even if only on the front porch or in the backyard, because this will help to reduce arguments when they’ve been inside too long. Also recognize that when kids are trying to learn school subjects online without the usual help from a teacher, it can be overwhelming and frustrating, so they will sometimes simply refuse to try or refuse to finish an assignment. Do not take these behaviors personally or interpret them as being disrespectful toward you. Recognize that they don’t have all the knowledge and experience you have in dealing with hard things and they need assistance and encouragement, not criticism and threats, to help them keep trying. It is helpful to give kids some predictability in their lives, such as set times to get up and go to bed, set meal and snack times, and set hours for schoolwork, breaks, outside time, and quiet play time. 

Money and Financial Issues 

Money concerns are a real fear for many right now, especially when money may be a major concern and one or both of you is laid off or working far fewer hours. It is important to balance between minimizing a problem and making it an enormous problem. You can’t pretend that it isn’t a concern if you don’t have enough for rent this month, but it won’t help to rage about how unfair all of this is and how other people don’t have it as badly. Try discussing what help there might be available for certain money problems, in a united effort to solve the problem, instead of being angry with each other for not seeing it in the same light. Many utility companies are not shutting off service right now, even if payments are late or unpaid. Many landlords and mortgage companies are willing to offer deferment of payments, or arrangements for half payments, during this crisis. There are also stimulus monies that are coming out in the form of direct checks and increased amounts of unemployment compensation, as well as small business loans to keep paying payroll and health insurance for employees. Local agencies like United Way and food pantries, churches and other assistance agencies also have access to some emergency funds and can make referrals to other places for specific needs. 

Try to avoid arguments about why you have certain payment obligations or debt right now. Going over why “we shouldn’t have bought the vehicle or the house or the new furniture,” will only make this worse. Those payments are due to choices made in the past, when you could not have anticipated this situation that would so drastically affect your income. 

Do the best you can to call creditors and make arrangements for half payments, deferred payments, or extended credit to help you manage for the next six months. Working together to make these calls can deflate a money argument. Do your best to stay away from arguments about things you have spent money on in the past, such as cigarettes, alcohol, cable tv, extra tools, sporting events and hobbies. Simply agree that we will watch spending as best we can right now, while still keeping our family safe. If it makes sense to keep the cable tv or internet on, so that we all have something to distract us from our worries, keep the cable and the internet. Even though cigarettes are expensive, trying to stop smoking right now if you don’t really want to will create more potential arguments. If you really want to try to cut down right now, go ahead, but don’t make yourself and your family miserable to save a bit of money.

Read more posts about this book and its authors HERE.

Read more posts about Dr. Geri Henderson and her works HERE.