Daily Excerpt: Divorced! (Romer): Fear

 



Excerpt from Divorced! Survival Techniques for Those over Forty

 

Fear

 

The most common fear for the newly divorced person is an unsettling feeling that you will never find anyone else—ever. The thought of being alone for the rest of your life brings a sort of panic to your chest; it’s hard to breathe, and your heart seems to race uncontrollably. You, who used to be so independent, are suddenly at the point of combing through all of your acquaintances trying to find someone—anyone—with whom you might spark a relationship. It’s odd because you weren’t like this before your marriage. My goodness, you were the gal (or guy) who could take it or leave it when it came to relationships; you had to be wooed, courted, played up to—but now look at you. Fear has made a basket case out of you: fear of being alone, fear of never having that special someone to share things with, make love with, and go places with. What can you do?     

First, try and relax. Before you can start any kind of search for a “significant other” replacement, you need to calm down and regain your romantic footing. That means you need to be able to view yourself as a person with something to offer in a relationship.  And, of course, you do have lots to offer. It’s just that right now you may appear, well—rather desperate.

So whatever you can do to manage your fear right now, do it. If that means buying yourself some extra special treats—a nice pair of pants, for instance—by all means, go shopping. This is the time to pamper yourself, because giving yourself a little love will go a long way to counteract fear. Visit a day spa or go camping for the weekend. Treat yourself to a change of scene in order to regain independence and perspective, qualities that will appear more attractive to a potential romantic partner than fear and desperation.

Make a list of all the good things about yourself and look at it daily. Add new things as you grow and change—and you will grow and change as you cope with your newly single status. Above all, find some passions or interests that can absorb all those pent up emotions. Join a square dance club and get yourself moving. Put pen to paper and write some poetry, or dig into gardening, photography, golf, cooking—whatever interests you and will take your mind off your loss. 

Fear is a superficial state and can be replaced by diverting your mind with something positive. You owe it to yourself to learn how to do this. Just try!





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