Daily Excerpt: Harnessing the Power of Grief (Potter): What Other Cultures Can Teach Us


 

Excerpt from Harnessing the Power of Grief:



What other cultures can teach us

 

Proximity to other cultures offers opportunities to adopt much of their wisdom into our own culture. Paul C. Rosenblatt, a psychologist, tells us that cultures are not static. They are in a state of change (some more than others) with many individual differences. [Rosenblatt][1] A Buddhist, a Jewish person, an African American, a Protestant, will grieve in the unique ways of their cultures. Variations exist among subgroups (based on lifestyle and income, religious variations within and between denominations), intermarriage, and cross-cultural influences. Consequently, we all are bumping into one another, learning from one another, loving one another, reading about one another, and interacting with one another.

 

Funerals and memorial services in Western culture tend to stand alone, like shooting stars in the night. They may be memorable and beautiful, but then we are left with the rest of the night. In some cultures, funeral rites are part of the whole day of life: the setting sun, the coming of night, the dawn, and the new day. Here are some examples of what we can learn from other cultures.

 

Death is not a failure.

 

Many cultures do not see death as a failure or an aberration. Rather, death is regarded as a part of life to be experienced by everyone. Loss does not end at the occurrence of death and the funeral. The experience of the loss continues and changes in healthful and even joyful ways throughout one’s life.

 

The Mexican holiday Día de los Muertos, Day of the Dead, is celebrated in the U.S. and other countries in Latin America. Everyone remembers the deceased in a festive way, with meals, social gatherings, church altars with pictures and mementos associated with the deceased, and processions to the cemetery. The activities and foods that are prepared are ones that the deceased enjoyed in their lifetime. “On Día de los Muertos, the dead are also a part of the community, awakened from their eternal sleep to share celebrations with their loved ones.” [National Geographic][2] This holiday is not a somber remembrance. Rather, it serves to unite everyone in the important universal life experience of death. The dead are not forgotten. The survivors are not alone in their grief and remembrance. Everyone experiences loss;- this is part of the life experience. The whole community remembers the universality of death in a joyful two-day celebration.

 

Remembering is important.

 

The revered Buddhist Monk Thich Nath Hanh describes a Vietnamese tradition: “In Vietnam we have a tradition of worshipping our ancestors. Every family has an altar in their home. Every day people offer a stick of incense to their ancestors to help connect to their heritage. It only takes a minute….” [Thich Nath Hanh][3] This daily ritual connects the present with the past and even points to the future. If you would like to practice this ritual, you do not have to have an altar, per se, but maybe a shelf in your home with pictures or memorabilia of your deceased loved ones. Simply bow to your loved ones and ancestors or ring a bell in reverence and appreciation. You can ask for a blessing for your day or a special event or a journey. When day is done, or when you return from your journey, again you can bow in reverence to your loved ones.

 

Those who are dear to us do not leave us. Their lives are a part of us. By honoring their memory and subtle presence in the form of pictures and memorabilia, dreams, and shared stories, we feel protected and guided. Cultures that honor the dead help the community to honor this bond. These remembrance rituals help us not to feel so alone in our grief and remind us that those who have died have a place in our hearts and in our life’s journey.

 

Many Vietnamese people take pictures at funerals and wakes to remember the deceased. Li Nguyen, blog author of “Stories, Thoughts, Reviews and Whatnots,” said, “To Americans, talking about death is taboo, but to my family, it’s connecting a duality. Death is just as much a part of life as is the reverse, a delicate interwoven tapestry. There is a balance as fine as a silk thread that has long been revered by us. When we take pictures of funerals or wakes, it’s not to be macabre but more like a quiet reverence. The pictures show (that) the deceased was just as important in death as when they were alive. When we are older and our memories begin to fail, we are comforted knowing that we have our pictures to show us the full panoramic view of our loved one’s life.” [Nguyen][4]

 

Community participation is required.

 

Hosea L. Perry, in his studies of African American funeral customs, found that African Americans typically encourage everyone to attend the funeral. Whether you are an immediate member of the family, a distant relative or friend, a colleague, a neighbor, or simply an acquaintance, your presence is required. It is a social obligation. [Perry][5] In the Mexican American community, attendance by all is encouraged, too. How many times have we heard someone say, “I didn’t know the person well, so I did not go to the funeral?”

 

When my brother died, two of my close friends attended the funeral. They did not know my family or my brother, but they did know me. Their attendance meant so much to me. At a time when I felt bereft, there they were. They connected me to the love beyond my family and beyond the grief we were feeling. I will always remember their kindness and their presence.

 

Judaism has the custom of Sitting Shiva. Shiva means seven. For seven days following a death, people visit, bring food, reminisce, and comfort the survivors.

 

The mourner’s participation is required.

 

Some cultures have rituals and behaviors that are meant to help the deceased on his way to the afterlife or next life. Survivors are not lonely, powerless witnesses. They have a role to play. The secondary benefits of these behaviors are that they help the survivor and they help the community. The survivor may feel distraught, in shock, and alone, yet there is something that she can do to meaningfully participate in the loss. The mourner has a place in the death, and a place in the communal grieving process. [Goss and Klass][6] In New Orleans, the Jazz Funeral includes a walking funeral procession to mourn and celebrate the deceased person’s life with music—at first solemn, but then joyful and lively.

 

In our modern culture, you may not be able to duplicate elaborate and meaningful grief rituals. However you can create rituals that involve others in your loss, e.g., a meal celebrating your loved one’s birthday; having informal remembrance events after the funeral such as enjoying an activity together that was special to the deceased; displaying photos of your loved one; going to the cemetery with family and friends; creating a memorial in honor of your loved one (roadside memorials commemorating a loved one who died in a car crash are now familiar to us); planning religious memorial events in addition to the funeral, creating a photo album or memory journal, and reminiscing with others.


[1] Rosenblatt, Paul C. “Grief Across Cultures: A Review and Research Agenda”, 207-222 in Stroebe, Margaret, Robert O. Hansson, Henk Schut and Wolfgang Stroebe, eds, Handbook on Bereavement Research and Practice, (American Psychological Association, Washington, DC, 2008), 208.

 

[3] Thich Nhat Han – Thich Nhat Han Dharma Talks, Monthly Archives, Ancestors Archives, February 11, 2014, http://tnhaudio.org/

 

[4] Nguyen, Li, “Life and Death the Vietnamese Way”, September 18, 2009, http://www.aslantedview.com/life-and-death-the-vietnamese-way/

 

[5] Perry, Hosea L., “Mourning and Funeral Customs of African Americans,” 51-64, in Ethnic Variations in dying, death and grief: diversity in universality, Irish, Donald P., Kathleen F. Lundquist, and Vivian J. Nelson, eds (Taylor Francis, Philadelphia, PA, 1993), 63.

 

[6] Goss, Robert E. and Dennis Klass, “Tibetan Buddhism and the Resolution of Grief: The Bardo-Thodol for the Dying and the Grieving,” (Death Studies, vol. 21, no 4, 1997, 377-395) 393.

 



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