Daily Excerpt: How to Be a Good Mommy When You're Sick (Graves): Everyday Basics - Remember Your Foundation
Excerpt from How to Be a Good Mommy When You're Sick
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Everyday Basics
Remember your foundation
Do not apologize!
Apologizing for
meeting your basic sleeping needs does not benefit anyone. This also gives
people the impression that your needs—including your schedule—can be altered
based on their own needs or that your schedule is merely a matter of
convenience and not essential to your wellbeing and that of your family. Stick
to what you know is best for you, your health, and your child/children.
Everyone else can learn the routine and should be happy that you are showing
strength and doing everything you can to stay as healthy as you can be. People
who are not happy about your strength and resolve to take your health needs
seriously should be given the boot!
Do what you can and be happy with it!
At times, your
sleep schedule may require you to pick and choose some activities very
selectively. There is nothing wrong with this! Being happy and healthy for the
activities you can do because you have gotten the rest you need is the main
goal. Sleep will make a world of difference in the joy you get out of selected
activities and in the quality of your performance. If the quality of your time
is high, being happy with what you can do is much easier to accomplish.
Remember, less is quite often more, especially when balancing chronic illness
management with the joys and tribulations of family life.
Make GOOD time: Take advantage of good days, but don’t run yourself
into the ground!
Remember
yourself: your needs, desires, and limitations, and be sure to open windows of
opportunity by putting the emphasis on maximizing good and not time. When you
are having good days, enjoy them to the fullest. However, this does not mean
skipping your sleep schedule and running yourself into the ground, because when
juggling chronic illness and motherhood, one good day can result in a kind of
hangover that can last several days or more. I have failed in this respect on
too many occasions, so I have to continually remind myself of this foundational
piece. When I do remember to keep my focus on maximizing the good, and not the
amount of time, by getting the rest I need, my success rate in the things I choose
and need to do increases tenfold, and I avoid stretches of time when I am
unable to perform because I chose to run myself into a flair-up, resulting in
unwanted but physically necessary down time. So remember, you can’t make good
time if you don’t have enough sleep time.
Be honest!
Be honest with
people. If someone asks you to do something during your scheduled rest time,
tell that someone that you need your rest and to choose another time. If
someone simply refuses to accept that you need your rest, and as a busy mom you
only have certain windows when you can rest, then that person is not someone
you need on your schedule, and you should say so too. In more cases than not,
people will be understanding and reschedule if possible, but there are some who
will only see the surface of the situation or who will focus solely on their
own short-term needs.
For those of us
with autoimmune diseases or other “invisible diseases,” the deadly seriousness
of our needs and limitations is sometimes hard to get across to people who have
never known anyone with such a disease or who have not fully processed our
situation. Don’t let this detour or discourage you from defending your rest
time. Be stubborn and even rude if you must, and never allow yourself to be
bullied by guilt into overdoing anything. Remember, you are also protecting
your child’s best interest by protecting your own rest and health. I know that,
in many cases, it is easier for us moms to protect our child than to protect
ourselves. But when it comes to preserving your rest time, you are doing both.
So, however you need to word your thoughts, just be honest about your needs and
get your sleep.
Accept support and reject pity!
For those of us
who are eternally stubborn, accepting support can be difficult. Getting enough
rest is so critical for the overall health and functioning of moms with chronic
illness that I really cannot emphasize this enough. If grandparents offer a
weekend so you can sleep—take it. If your spouse is willing to take the night
shift—take it. It is also critical that you and your teammate (I say teammate
because my husband and I truly operate as a team) get on the same page about
creating and maintaining a sleep schedule for the baby/child and, ultimately,
you. Get your supporters on board, and kick those who are not willing to be
pragmatic and supportive in your efforts to be the best mommy you can be off
the ship.
For some moms,
the temptation to succumb to the pity of others, and thus, self-pity, may be a
problem as well. One problem with this is that it can interfere with you getting
the proper amount of rest, which can lead to depression. True, some people want
to do nothing but sleep when depressed, but if that is the case for you, the
depression is depriving you of the benefits of all that rest. Others turn to
food, alcohol, or drugs when feeling self-pity, and all of those can become
factors that worsen your health, rob you of restful sleep, and deprive you of
the opportunity to be your best. Finally, self-pity can rob you of the power
you have over your own life. With self-pity, good habits begin to slacken and
can eventually disappear altogether, a process that only works to reinforce
self-pity in a vicious and disastrous spiral. A little self-pity from time to
time is understandable and natural, but don’t let it stick. Use rest periods to
hit the “reset button” on your emotions, so you can stay positive. Remember,
you are a unique and wonderful person, and people are depending on you!
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