Guest Post from MSI Press Author, Dennis Ortman: Sounds of Silence

 



SOUNDS OF SILENCE

“Be still and know that I am God.”

--Psalm 46: 10

 

At the end of therapy sessions, my patients often ask me, “What can I do to make this better? Can you give me an exercise?” My advice is always the same, which mostly disconcerts them, “Just pay close attention to yourself.”  “How do I do that?” they ask. “Just be quiet, listen, and see what you learn about yourself,” I respond. I explain, “You can only heal from the inside out. When you understand yourself, you will know what to do.” 

My patients see themselves as broken and needing to be fixed. They view me as the expert who will guide them to health. It is as if they are a broken car, and I am a skilled mechanic. They want a manual of repairs for a quick fix. I tell them, “You have the answer within you, but may not know it yet.” 

We live in an attention deficit culture. We are hyperactive and need to keep busy. Being alone and quiet makes us restless and nervous. We are easily distracted. Quickly bored, we need near-constant stimulation. We are also impatient and want quick and easy answers to our problems. Problem-solving comes naturally. We like to fix things. We believe that there is a solution to every problem, if we just take the right approach. 

However, the approach our culture trains us to take keeps us on the surface of our lives. We think we can manipulate our psyches like we repair the kitchen sink. However, we are not objects that can be so easily controlled. We are flesh and blood human beings with a soul.

These days, in the wake of the pandemic, the numbers of those suffering from anxiety and depression, substance abuse, domestic violence, and suicide have soared. Current research indicates that nearly a third of adolescents and adults experience clinical levels of anxiety and depression. Furthermore, our wounds run deep, to the core of who we are. We also suffer spiritual desolation and despair about the meaning of our lives. We lack balance and clear direction. The old answers no longer satisfy us. Commenting on modern society, the poet William Butler Yeats wrote, “Things fall apart; the center cannot hold.”

How can we heal our wounded psyches? How can we find our center and keep our balance? How can we recover our souls?

 

AN INSIDE JOB

We tend to live on the surface of our lives, in an arid flatland. When problems occur and we feel stressed, we look for immediate solutions in two ways. Our first instinct is to look outside ourselves to find the cause of our troubles—a job loss, a broken relationship, failing health. We then put our energy into changing the disturbing situation. In the process, we try to stay strong, “fake it until we make it.”

In this outside-in approach to problem-solving, we imagine that healing and happiness come from creating more favorable life circumstances. We tell ourselves we will feel better when we get what we want and get rid of what we dislike. We work hard to change our outer lives. When we meet resistance in our attempts to control the uncontrollable outer world and others, we may feel frustrated. We may keep pushing ourselves to the point of exhaustion, or give up in despairing resignation.

Healing and growth can occur only when we shift our focus from the outside to our inner selves. It is not the circumstances of our lives, which are always changing, that make us either happy or miserable. Our inner attitude, our state of mind, toward what happens to us determines our wellbeing. Notice how differently people react to the same situation. Some people get better, while others become bitter. A close observation of our own reactions reveals the truth of what Tilopa, the renowned Buddhist teacher, says, “It is not the outer objects that entangle us. It is the inner clinging that entangles us.”

Our second approach to healing is to get rid of the distressing feelings—the anger, sadness, or anxiety—as quickly as we can. We view these uncomfortable feelings as the obstacles to our wellbeing.  So we devise many strategies to escape their grip. We may deny these feelings and just press on regardless. Or we may keep ourselves busy and distracted so we do not notice them. Or we may medicate ourselves with alcohol, drugs, food, or a variety of addictive activities.

All these strategies are in the service of avoiding pain. They work in the short run, but eventually wear us out. It is like chasing our shadow, making us only exhausted. It takes enormous energy to keep our emotions underground. In fact, all these suppressed feelings grow in intensity when buried. They enslave us. They also seep out indirectly in our behaviors and attitudes. Finally, they may emerge fully in a psychological disorder, which is the return of the repressed.

I tell my weary patients, “What you consider the problem is really only a symptom. You have to dig deep within yourself to discover the root cause.” For example, when we experience some physical pain, like a stomach ache, we do not know how to treat it until we know the cause. A diagnostic examination is needed. If it is caused by indigestion, the treatment is far different than if it is caused by stomach cancer.

Similarly, our psychological suffering is a symptom that directs our attention to the underlying cause. Something neglected within us is crying out to be noticed. The work of therapy is to expose the roots of our distress. Only then can we pursue effective strategies of relief. Accurate self-awareness leads to healing and growth. So I encourage my patients, “Just sit with those uncomfortable feelings and thoughts to see what you can learn about yourself. What is the message of your distress?” 

How do we sit with our reactions and learn from them? 

JUST SIT

Socrates taught, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” He invited his followers to be quiet and reflect deeply on their lives. He promised that they would discover the truth that would set them free.

We begin this personal self-examination by simply being alone and quiet with ourselves. That can be a new and frightening experience for many of us who drive ourselves to keep busy and productive. We are more comfortable in the outer world than with our inner experience. Looking inward, we encounter darkness, some light, and much mystery. The unknown frightens us. 

I invite my patients to become observers of themselves. I explain that their consciousness is like a free-flowing river of thoughts, feelings, and reactions. It never stops. We can try to block its flow with great effort, but eventually the dam breaks. Or we can just jump into the river and be carried away by our thoughts and feelings, eventually drowning in them. What I propose is a third alternative. I invite my patients to stand back and observe themselves carefully. I invite them to pay close attention to their reactions in the various situations in their lives.

When my patients make the time and effort to observe themselves, they begin to notice how all their reactions come and go and do not belong to them. They also hear the inner dialogue, the story-telling, that goes on constantly in their minds. I tell them, “Your feelings last only last 90 seconds. What intensifies and prolongs them are the stories you tell yourself.” Over time, they recognize patterns in their stories that generate their misery. They learn how they identified with the distorted messages they received from childhood and society. For example, many keep telling themselves they are not good enough, are losers, and can do nothing right. The obvious consequence of such thinking is a depressed and anxious mood. 

Healing and growth occur as we become more aware of our distorted thinking and reacting, challenge them, and become more attuned to present day reality. 

When we become more adept at observing ourselves, we can look more deeply into the flow of our consciousness. We become aware of a mysterious Source within us, which is the wellspring of our healing and growth. We glimpse our soul, our inner spirit, which contains an untapped wisdom, energy, and delight. In religious terms, we may call it the Divine Life within us.

We experience this subtle, hidden Source by just sitting and being quiet with ourselves. We turn off the chattering mind (called the wild monkey mind), not giving our thoughts attention and energy, and listen with our hearts. I define prayer, meditation, and contemplation as simply paying full attention to the present moment, not getting lost in distracting thoughts. If we do not risk being alone with ourselves, we will miss this depth and continue to live on the surface of our lives. The misery-go-round will keep going. 

The Tao Te Ching (16) expresses beautifully the experience and consequences of just sitting and listening with the heart: 

    Empty your mind of all thoughts.

    Let your heart be at peace.

    Watch the turmoil of beings,

    but contemplate their return.

    Each separate being in the universe

    returns to the common source.

    Returning to the source is serenity.

    If you don’t realize the source,

    you stumble in confusion and sorrow.

    When you realize where you come from,

    you naturally become tolerant,

    disinterested, amused,

    kindhearted as a grandmother,

    dignified as a king. 

Returning to the source, to the Divine Life within us, is the antidote to our spiritual malaise. We embrace the wisdom, energy, and joy to live a full and meaningful life. 

SITTING PRACTICE

Let me suggest a way of entering the silence within us and listening to its life-giving sounds. I tell my patients, “Stop and do nothing.” They tell me doing nothing is the hardest thing for them to do. That is no surprise. We define ourselves by what we do. Our self-esteem depends on our being constantly busy and productive. We are preoccupied with fixing ourselves, making ourselves better. 

The recommendation to stop and do nothing is an invitation to relax with ourselves as we are in the moment. We begin by being alone and quiet. We may just sit or walk leisurely, with our minds focused on our inner experience. Thoughts and reactions arise unavoidably. We just notice them and let them go. We get into trouble when we cling to our thoughts and put all our faith in their truthfulness. Something is not true just because we think it. Our thoughts, feelings, and reactions are like clouds in the sky with little real substance. We gently watch them pass. Our consciousness is the vast blue sky that remains and watches. 

It can be helpful to attend to our experience, and not our thoughts, by focusing on some object. Some focus on their breath, a lighted candle, or a favorite phrase. I focus on the phrase, “Be still and know that I am God.” That thought engages my attention and calms me. When competing thoughts arise, I return to the phrase. We can only think of one thing at a time. I have to do this over and over in my quiet time. It takes much practice to let go of our thoughts and maintain our concentration. 

As we enter into the silence and stillness, serenity will overtake us. We rest in the simple feeling of being. We are freed from the compulsion to do anything. We experience the miracle of being alive and are filled with gratitude. All is a gift, not earned. We sense that everything is perfect deep down, as it should be. We are not as broken as we imagine, needing to be fixed. We also relax in the spaciousness of our mind. There we connect with our inner wisdom, courage, and joy of being alive. 

In short, through this time alone with ourselves we find our center. Like a gyroscope in our fast-moving lives, it will provide balance. During these quiet moments we cultivate trust in our higher consciousness, in our wise mind. When we return to our daily tasks, we are more alert and aware. We can observe all the disturbing thoughts and feelings that inevitably arise with a sense of calm. Then, we can engage our wise minds to make sense of the chaos of our emotional reactions and distorted thoughts. When we feel overwhelmed, we can return to our quiet inner place to be refreshed. 

We live in a hyperactive culture, driven to keep busy and productive. As a consequence, we live on the surface of life, tossed about by the waves of circumstances and our emotional reactions. We will only find serenity, healing, and growth if we enter into the depths of our inner life. Spending time alone with ourselves we discover a Higher Consciousness, a Divine Presence, in the silence. Those silent moments can become the inexhaustible wellspring for creating a full and creative life for ourselves and others.

 For more posts by and about Dr. Ortman and his award-winning books, click HERE.

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