Daily Excerpt: Understanding the Seeker (Quinelle) - The Seeker at Home
Today's daily excerpt comes from Understanding the Seeker (Kacee Quinelle)
Chapter 6
The Seeker at Home
We have spoken briefly about the
home behavior of the Seeker. He or she is no homemaker and is all too
frequently oblivious to health and hearth. These traits—and others—create a
home climate that differs quite significantly from that of many other
personality types. When the other members of the household are also Seekers,
the traits are intensified. When the other members of the household are not
Seekers, conflicts are multiplied.*
House and Housework
Given the Seeker’s lack of interest
and skill in homemaking activities, the house can become quickly untidy and not
at all a cozy place, especially if the spouse and children are all Seekers.
Fortunately, for most households, this is not likely. The Seeker personality is
not common enough that one would expect to find it in grand distribution among
any groups. Still, certainly, there can be more than one Seeker in a family.
What the house looks like and what happens at home will depend upon the
distribution of other personality types.
If there is an Epicurean in the
house (SFI), the problem will be easily solved. The Epicurean, spouse or child
(if of an old enough age), will slip right in and take over such things as
cooking, tidying up, and make the house a home. The Seeker naturally defers to
the Epicurean in home matters since the Seeker does not care about them and the
Epicurean does. Often, this assignment of roles (which can be a reversal of
traditional roles where the Seeker is the wife and the Epicurean the husband)
takes place without discussion; it just feels “normal.”
Problems can occur when there are
other personality types in the household who expect the Seeker, particularly if
the Seeker is the wife and mother, to act like an Epicurean. This is not going
to happen—acting out of type comes with difficulty, deliberation, discord, and
error. Errors can be humorous, especially if all are good-natured about the
inabilities and disinterests of the Seeker. Mommy Poisoned Our House Guest
by Shenan Leaver describes the household of a Seeker wife and mother with some
irony and much mirth. Where there is not this level of good-nature, errors
quickly turn into discord, and relationships (and the hominess of the house) go
downhill from there.
Spouse
Two Seekers married to each other is
an interesting combination. The strong channels will be the same, as will the
weak channels. Therefore, both strengths and weaknesses will be amplified. In
this case, the compatibility is strong, but the responsibility, at least the
responsibility typically expected from married couples, especially those
married with children, can be missing to a detrimental degree. If both Daddy
and Mommy are busy tilting at windmills, the gardening does not always get
done.
With Seekers, a spouse whose
personality type reflects mutual complementation (called a dual relationship),
i.e. an Epicurean, may represent the best combination. The dominant Intuition (Channel
1) of the Seeker is accepted by the Suggestible channel (Channel 4) of the
Epicurean, and the dominant Sensing of the Epicurean is generally welcomed by
the Seeker, who does not care about tracking all those nitpicky details anyway.
There may be unexpressed hurt feelings when the Thinking trait of the Extroverted
Seeker bumps up against the Feeling trait and expectations of the Introverted
Epicurean. Here is where having crucial conversations about values and
expectations becomes important—and where understanding and accepting each other
and each other’s inherent psychological differences makes a difference.
Seekers may feel less compatibility
or less quietude with other personality types, but relationships of all types
can be managed if the differences are shared, analyzed, discussed, and
accepted. Couples can learn to shore up each other’s weak functions and tone
down their own dominant functions for the good of the marriage. Thus, Intuitive
partners can learn to provide more evidence and data for Sensing spouses, and Sensers
can learn to let go of the need for black-and-white interpretations and peek
into the mystery of life. Likewise, Thinkers can learn to say the words (such
as “thank you” and “I love you”) that Feelers expect and enjoy, and Feelers can
learn to look at the deeds done by Thinkers (such as repairing the Feeler’s
computer without being asked or running out and putting gas in the near-empty
tank of a car that the Feeler will soon be driving) as expressions of caring.
Parents and Children
Children, too, can learn to
understand and cope with personality differences. Of course, the older they
are, the easier this is (although some parents who have experienced
particularly difficult teenage years with their children might argue with that).
Young Children
A Seeker parent will instinctively
bond with a Seeker child and vice versa. They take parent-child fantasy trips
(sometimes real ones, too). Since the Seeker lives outside the realm of the
everyday world anyway, he or she easily slips into the child’s world, whether
that be through books, movies, or games. The Seeker child is not one to have a
tidy room; the Seeker parent does not expect a tidy room. The Seeker child is
not one to follow rules; the Seeker parent rarely sets rules to be followed,
and certainly does not expect the child to comply with society’s rules but
rather teaches the child to think outside the box and supports that. The Seeker
father of one Seeker daughter would allow his daughter to skip school and
tinker with him in his laboratory. He would simply send a truthful note to the
teacher, such as “My daughter was indisposed yesterday.” He was stating that
she did not want to come to school, but the teacher would interpret the note as
meaning that she had been ill. Everyone is happy with that particular
deception.
The Seeker child of the Seeker
parent can experience some difficulties fitting into traditional society,
whether that be in early years at school or in later years at work. Without a
parental model for a complementary and more compliant style, the Seeker child
can fail to develop the kinds of behaviors that allow him or her to succeed in
a traditional classroom or at a traditional job. Generally this does not happen,
because it is rare that both the parents and the child are Seekers.
The Seeker child of the non-Seeker
parent, depending upon the parent’s psychological type, can be highly
misunderstood. His or her lack of tidiness can be seen as sloth, rather than
indifference. His or her lack of rule following can be seen as insubordination,
rather than lack of appreciation for systems of rules.
In turn, the Seeker child of the
non-Seeker parent may feel boxed in, controlled, and too contained. For the
Seeker child, rebellion is a typical reaction to being limited in word,
thought, or action. Seeker children are little scientists, and they need to do
their research: sleuthing, reasoning, testing, and, sometimes with unfortunate consequences,
experimenting. One Seeker child burned down the family bathroom (accidentally,
of course) in the course of conducting a “reasonable” science experiment. The
Seeker parent understood and applauded the curiosity while cautioning the
conditions; the non-Seeker parent did not and hinted at punishment (which never
came about because both parents understood that the Seeker usually “punishes”
himself for scientific miscalculation, as demonstrated through inordinate
frustration and regret; they also understood that their Seeker child was not
motivated by a system of reward and punishment).
The Seeker among non-Seeker siblings
can experience an increase in sibling rivalry if one or both parents are
Seekers. The mutual bond and similar behavior can emphasize the distance
between the Seeker child and the other children. Knowledgeable parents can
teach children to recognize the differences among themselves, and between
themselves and their parents, even at very young ages. It is an intuition that
all people, regardless of size, have: we are all different in some way.**
As parents and children age,
differences become more tolerable—and then less tolerable. That appears to be
the case regardless of personality type. Older children understand their
parents better, and parents are better able to explain themselves to their
children and to receive their children’s input on the level of an adult model. Each
other’s “quirks” (generally, conflicting personality types) are known; how to
cope with them is also known. At the extreme end of life, however, tolerance
can become more difficult, even when everyone is aware not only of the quirks
but also of the reasons for them. Issues outside of the realm of socionics
intervene (e.g., declining health, the need for special care, gradual loss of
physical and mental capacities), and personalities change, as Jung predicted
they would, with the weak functions playing a greater role as they are sought
after more by the aging parent. The resulting persona can sometimes seem
different and difficult to children who have come to know their parent’s
dominant set of personality traits. Understanding what is happening and why,
though, leads to better methods of coping.
Something to Think About
Do you believe that you are a
Seeker? Take the test at the end of this book and determine if you are. If so,
answer the questions in Section A below. If you are not a Seeker, but you work,
live, or play with Seekers, answer the questions in Section B. Both are
intended to provide real-life insight into the Seeker and those with whom he or
she associates. There are no right and wrong answers; these are questions that
are individualized to you, the reader, and you will have to decide which of the
suggestions that these questions coach you into developing might work for you.
Section A. Questions about Yourself
as a Seeker at Home
If you are a Seeker and you find
yourself surrounded by non-Seekers in your family, how will you cope? Look at
this question from your actual situation—do you live with your parents or a
spouse? Are you married with children (or married with adult children and
grandkids)? Based on your personal situation, think, for example, about the
following:
· Most non-Seekers are into planning their lives in practical ways;
your parents will want to know what you want to do with your life (some parents
may even have their own ideas about that)—and by “do” they mean something
pragmatic such as you would like to be a doctor, teacher, lawyer, or the like;
· Non-Seekers are not nearly as idealistic as Seekers and in some
cases simply do not understand an idealistic mindset, no matter how a Seeker
tries to describe or explain it; you are not “serious” or “engaged” enough for
them; and/or
· With all the best intentions, a non-Seeker may advise or even
pressure a Seeker to “be more realistic” or “show some commonsense” not only in
career choices but also in what they do for leisure activities or how they
raise their children. (Seekers are often quite laissez-faire with their
children, indirectly coaching them and allowing them to take learning risks
that can sometimes appall relatives and friends alike.)
Which of these things can you
accept?
What can you do to adapt yourself?
What can you do to help those who
surround you accept you as you are? (Can you, for example, have a discussion
with them about socionics and explain the conflict between your idealism, and
its centrality to everything you do, and their greater tendency to look at life
in a more realistic and pragmatic vein? Can you show them some advantages to
your idealism—even if those things don’t advantage you but someone else? After
all, the idealist does tend to be altruistic, not living for himself or herself
alone. With children, can you explain your parenting approach through teaching
them about personality differences? Many parents have found that even small
children “get it” when it comes to personality differences; it is the adults
that don’t.)
Section B. Questions about the
Seekers in Your Family
If you are a non-Seeker and someone
in your family is a Seeker, what difficulties might you expect to face and how
might you cope with them? Think, for example, about the following:
· A Seeker will avoid developing personal relationships, focusing
instead on topics and content. As a parent, you may want to talk about school
experiences, friendships, and teacher relationships; your Seeker child may
prefer to talk about the things he or she learned in geography class or physics
lab;
· A Seeker will usually brush off praise as condescension unless it
coincides with his or her own assessment of a particular achievement, and will
expect any praise—desired for the “right” reasons—to focus on his or her
achievements, not his or her efforts. Where praise comes in other forms or for
other reasons, the brush-off can seem rude or uncaring to a non-Seeker; and/or
· A Seeker will often bring discord into family discussions for the
purpose of creating new understandings; as an intellectual risk-taker, no topic
is “safe” against disagreement.
Which of these things can you
accept?
What can you do to adapt yourself?
What can you do to adapt the Seeker?
Why would you want to do that?
*Socionics considers psychological
types ceteris paribus (i.e. as though all other conditions were equal or
negligible), which we know, in reality, is not the case. Therefore, the
descriptions, explanations, and discussions above and throughout this book may,
in individual readers’ cases, not ring true because there are other
complicating factors for a given situation that lie outside the realm of
psychological type or even psychology, be that financial, environmental,
biological, chemical, social, legal, or some other external factor.
**With very young children, I have
had success in teaching personality variables through the use of a game that
gives each trait a different color so that they can visibly see the
differences. The children pick out their color from each of the three or four
personality type pairs (Intuitive/Sensing, Feeling/Thinking, Extroverted/Introverted,
and, if desired—and the children old enough to understand—Rational/Irrational)
based on recognized preferences (e.g., I prefer to spend a lot of time by
myself or with one or two friends vs. I prefer to spend a lot of time with many
friends.) Then, complicating situations are called out that tell the children
to compare themselves with other people. For example, they might be asked to
stand under the picture of a teacher who has four colors, one for each
preferred personality trait, and then hold out their own cards to see how
different or alike they are and how much they might have to adjust to meet the
teacher’s expectations or how much the teacher would have to adjust to
understand them. Next, they can be asked to stand under other pictures: father,
mother, somebody important in town, and the like. Once they are pretty adept at
finding their differences and likenesses and what those might mean (without
going into a lot of scientific detail), they can be asked to look at each
other’s cards, predict where they might have to make adjustments for each
other, and discuss where they may currently be having conflicts—and why. (This
game can be used to teach other kinds of individual differences as well, such
as cognitive styles, sensory preferences, social backgrounds, and more.)
For more posts about Dr. Quinelle and her books, click HERE.
For more posts on socionics, click HERE.
For more posts on personality, click HERE.
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