Daily Excerpt: Harnessing the Power of Grief (Potter) - Introduction

 


excerpt from Harnessing the Power of Grief (Potter)


Introduction

Grief, the process by which we adjust to the losses in our lives, is often one of the most devastating and life-changing experiences in a human being’s life. Like all who have come before us, each of us will suffer important losses and will experience grief. A fraction of us will experience complicated grief and will benefit from professional help. Treatment of complicated grief is beyond the scope of this book, as discussed below. Most of us will experience normal grief, still very difficult, but manageable without professional help. In time, with our inner and outer resources, we will make a satisfactory adjustment to our loss. How do we do this? We harness the power of grief, and that is the subject of this book.

In my career, I coordinated a hospital-based wellness program including a spousal bereavement program. Volunteers, who themselves had been widowed for at least two years, provided help and support to those who were newly widowed. The volunteers attended monthly meetings to talk about those whom they were helping and to learn more about the subject of grief.

At each volunteer meeting, my team leader and I led discussions on various topics, based on the newest studies on grief and traditional knowledge about grief. A recognized expert would publish an article that we would discuss. A new book would come out, and we would review it together. There would be an article in the paper. Someone would bring in her favorite grief book. Therapists would be invited to give lectures. My team leader and I would present topics on grief. Rarely did everyone agree entirely with what was presented, and we would often hear: “It wasn’t like that for me;” “I think you are missing an important point;” and “I agree with this, but not with that.” The discussions were always lively.

We came away with the appreciation that each one of us is different. Even though there is a lot of research-based knowledge as well as traditional knowledge on the subject, each grief experience is unique. There is not one way to grieve. There are your ways to grieve. Knowledge supports you in your inner journey, but you are the one who writes the story.

Yet, knowledge has an important place. Knowledge gives you a framework for your journey. Knowledge gives you hope. Others have walked this path, and you can, too. Knowledge validates your experience and gives you confidence. Duane T. Bowers, a counselor in Washington, DC, reminds us, “Grief will happen—don’t worry, it will happen. Many people think it is not happening or that if it is happening, they are doing it wrong. The problem arises when people get anxious and stressed about it.” [Bowers][1]. He encourages us to relax. Grief happens naturally and differently for each person.

George A. Bonanno, a well-known clinical psychologist, author and grief researcher, puts it this way: “Above all, it [grief] is a human experience. It is something we are wired for, and it is certainly not meant to overwhelm us. Rather, our reactions to grief seem designed to help us accept and accommodate losses relatively quickly so that we can continue to live productive lives.” [Bonanno] [2] “Relatively quickly” is different for each person: a few months, one year, two years, six years…

Throughout the rest of your life, your grief may return, albeit not necessarily with the same intensity. At first, these returns may be frequent, scary, and painful. With time, these returns become less frequent and probably less intense. They are a connection to your loved one. They are a connection to others who also have experienced losses. Grief and its returns are a connection to humankind. Even though we may feel alone, we are together.

Much of the body of valuable research on grief goes back decades, even to the days of Sigmund Freud. The more recent research is refining but not revolutionizing the work of the past. Studies of the grief traditions of different cultures, including cultures that are thousands of years old, have also contributed to our present-day understanding of grief and its powerful place in the collective life of humankind.

Although knowledge continues to evolve through research, William Worden, clinical psychologist and researcher, suggests that we do not have to create a new theory of grief. Instead, we need to refine what the past 100 years of grief knowledge and study have brought forth. You will consequently note that there are new references that continue to validate much of the older work. As Worden says, “Looking at the various theories of grief that have been proffered over the past 100 years is a bit like the fable of the blind men and the elephant. The description of what the elephant was like depended on what part of the elephant the various blind men were touching. Grief theory makes up the elephant—conceptions of the adaptation to the loss of a loved one with their various similarities and differences. However, the elephant needs a pedicure! Rather than recreating the elephant, we need to select and investigate specific parts of these theories (toes) and tweak them” [Worden] [3]

In 1982, Worden himself introduced the idea of the four Tasks of Grief, an idea that continues to have merit today. Part 2 of this book is devoted to Worden’s Tasks.

What this book includes:

In Part 1, “Grief Past and Present,” I define grief as a natural human response to loss, the way we incorporate the loss into our lives and then to move on in life. I trace the individual and community history of grief in Western culture from the rural small-town past to modern times. By looking at the past, we gain a fuller appreciation of how we are experiencing grief in this present day and age. As Joe Piehuta, an old family friend, put it, “If you don’t know where you are, you don’t know who you are.” This look at the past helps us in the present. It gives us power in the present.

We will see how our transient, individualistic, and modern society presents challenges for the grieving person who does not always receive adequate support from his community. We can learn from our past, and we can learn from other cultures. Other cultures see death and grief as the natural progression of human existence, not as an aberration and an affront to one’s sensibilities.

We will explore the experience of grief and what it might be like for you. Our modern culture does not have a unified view of grief so you may feel blindsided by the experience. Consequently it is helpful for you to know what you might experience in grief: a loss of meaning; judgment of yourself and others; a changed view of the world and your place in it; the oscillation between your grief experience and navigating in a changed world; middle knowledge (one moment you know the death has occurred, and the next moment you don’t); and the presence of reminders that trigger grief reactions. Exploring the many ways grief may manifest helps you to accept what you are experiencing as normal and to accept the experience of others.

In Part 2, “The Tasks of Grief,” I use William Worden’s Tasks of Grief as the framework for our discussion of grieving. Other authors use stages of grief, which imply that if you go through one stage, you are ready for the next. When you complete all the stages, you are finished. Then, you move on. Yet, many researchers have found that grief does not follow a timeline from beginning to end. Grief is a dynamic process, and we never completely “get over it.” As human beings, we will find grief always to be a part of our lives. With the passage of time, our relationship with the deceased and our memories become deeper or take on new facets as we ourselves change and grow. The Tasks of Grief can continue throughout your life.

The asks summarize the process of grief—what you do to make it through:

Task 1. To accept the reality of the loss (Chapter 4)

Task 2. To experience the pain of grief (Chapters 5 through 8)

Task 3. To adjust to a world without the deceased (Chapter 9)

Task 4. To embark on a new life while establishing a place in your heart for your deceased loved one (Chapter 10)

 

The tasks honor the uniqueness of each grief experience. You can work on the tasks in order, in any order, or all at once. You may find it helpful to revisit each or all the tasks at different times throughout your life. Working with the tasks, completing the task(s), and revisiting the tasks are ways to harness the power of grief.

 

Some tasks may be easy for you to complete. Others, not so easy.

 

The Tasks of Grief describe a powerful process in which you are in charge (although you may not always feel that way). These imply action rather than passive experience. As will be described in Chapter 2, when people do something, they feel better. The tasks honor the complexity of the grief process by recognizing the variety of ways individuals accomplish things and the effort needed to do so. There is room for individual variation in how much or how little and what kinds of attention you choose to give to each task. To harness the power of the tasks, see them as a creative process and a labor of love for your loved one, yourself, your family, and your community.

 

When a loved one dies, your sense of meaning can be changed, challenged, deepened, damaged, and even shattered. Within each task is the search for meaning: finding meaning in the loss, finding meaning in the pain, finding meaning in your loved one’s life and death, finding meaning in your own life, and reaffirming and/or rebuilding a meaningful life.

 

The tasks can be perennial. At times throughout your life, you may be inclined to revisit the tasks. Often this occurs because you have acquired new knowledge. After a time, you may feel complete with your grief process, but then years later, something will happen that will rekindle thoughts of the deceased in a new way—an event or a new bit of knowledge (positive or negative) that will give you a different look at the past and your relationship with the deceased.

 

A reminder may pop up in your consciousness, bringing up a loss from long ago. New meaning in your life and in your memories of the deceased may evolve. John Jordan, a clinical psychologist specializing in grief and bereavement says, “Grief is a cyclical revisiting process.” [Jordan][4]. He suggests that you imagine that you are going up a spiral staircase. As you go up, you make a full circle and return to your beginning point but on a higher or different level. At each return, you have the opportunity and maybe the inclination to see things in a different light and from a different perspective. At each return, you are different, your world is different, and new insights can unfold. You may be inspired to revisit one or more of the tasks, to accept the loss and to appreciate the life of your loved one in a different, a more nuanced, and maybe a deeper way.

 

New losses bring up old losses. When you experience a loss, you may revisit previous losses, or shall I say, they re-visit you. It may seem for a time that they come back to you with painful intensity. You may revisit one or all the tasks, and once again reaffirm or re-create your sense of meaning in your life.

 

Special events may rekindle your grief—weddings, graduations, funerals of others who died at the same age or in the same way as your loved one, family reunions, and birthdays. Children whose parent has died may miss that parent at each growth milestone and special event—a first day at school, a graduation, a marriage, or the birth of a child. Parents whose child has died may mourn what could have been at those same events and milestones: “This could have been my son’s first day at school” or “If my son were alive, he would be graduating today.”

 

Everyday experiences may rekindle your grief and inspire you to re-visit one or more of the tasks. When I had a severe case of the flu as an adult, suddenly the thought came to me, “I wish my mother were alive. She really knew how to take care of me when I was sick.” I reminisced about all those common yet unpleasant childhood illnesses and how she was there for me. I did not experience an intense grief experience; rather it was a gentle love, appreciation, and gratitude.

 

In keeping with the philosophy of the tasks, please feel free to read the task chapters in order or according to your interest or to what you are experiencing.

 

In my years of bereavement work, thinking of the grief process within the framework of these tasks seemed to make the most sense. However, I have found merit in many of the other authors’ paradigms. Their insights can be readily incorporated into the Tasks of Grief framework. I have noted their work throughout this book (Bowers, Jordan, Doka and Martin, Golden, Duggan, Bowen, Parkes, Rando, Stroebe, Bonanno, Westberg, Yeagley, Kübler-Ross, Weissman, Rynearson, Ochberg, Leafy). Their work does not negate the tasks. Instead, they complement and add depth to them. Please refer to the bibliography for information about these and other authors.

 

In his book, Grief Recovery, Reverend Larry Yeagley [Yeagley][5] briefly describes four broad steps to work through the grief process: Think. Write. Talk. Weep. I have adapted Yeagley's work for this book, using his four steps as a springboard to develop a number of practices, each tailored to particular grief tasks and other particular conditions. I do not refer to these practices as steps, as he does. To me a step seems to say that once you complete the step, you are finished with it. Rather the practices and the tasks are here for you to use repeatedly and comfortably.

 

In Part 3, “Special Considerations,” we explore two specific kinds of losses: sudden death and ambiguous loss. When your loved one dies suddenly, there is no time to prepare and no chance for you to say goodbye. One minute she is here, the next minute she is gone. On the other hand, an ambiguous loss is one that does not end and continues to evolve. Your loved one may have Alzheimer’s disease with many losses of functioning long before the actual death occurs. Or your loved one is Missing in Action. Although the evidence points to her death, there still is the small chance that she is alive.

 

We will also look at different styles of grieving. Some people prefer the company of others in their grief. Others seek solitude. Some people grieve in an emotional or feeling way, others in a thought-oriented way. Your grief history, your age, your sexual orientation, and the type of loss all influence your grieving.

 

Part 4, “Guides to Understanding,” gives you a quick pick-me-up (Chapter 14, “Tips and Validations”) when you don’t feel like reading a chapter or even reading much at all but would just like some reassurance. It is there for those times when you are particularly affected by your grief and may be wondering if you need extra help (Chapter 15, “Danger Signs”). It is there, too, for the helper (Chapter 16, “How to Help”). All of us will at one time or another have the opportunity and the privilege to be a helper. As a grieving person, your first job is to help yourself and to come to a more comfortable place in your own life. However, as time goes on, you may want to reach out and help others who have experienced a loss. On the other hand, as a newly grieving person you may want to share Chapter 16 with those helpful family and friends who may clumsily be trying to offer help but do not know what to do. (Most of us have been in that position many times in our lives).

 

This book is filled with common-sense ideas. A person’s confidence in exercising common sense in managing his grief is likely to be challenged during the grieving process. The common-sense ideas are the ones that help to open the door of hope and give you access to your inner power. They may also simply validate what you might be doing already, thereby increasing your power.

 

Grief is natural to humans. If you are a person, you will grieve. With every change, positive or negative, big or small, there is loss, and thus there is grief. We greet what is new, and we miss what we had. We incorporate our rich history and experience into our present life.

 

Death is the final event, the one from which there is no return. This book focuses on death, yet the information herein can be applied to all kinds of losses.

 

What this book is not:

 

You will not find case histories of individuals and families. Rather, you will find anecdotes of grieving people who have been willing to share their important moments with you. I believe that case histories can actually stop you in your tracks: “That person’s experience is worse than mine.” “I shouldn’t complain.” Actually, I believe you should complain. Your experience is unique, and comparisons to others do not always help. Comparisons can diminish your power to grieve in your own way and to appreciate your own way of grieving.

 

I do not believe that we grieve in a case history kind of way. (Therapists, however, need to know your case history, current situation, family history and dynamics, work history, and the like in order to help). You as a grieving person are helping yourself, and you will experience pivotal moments that will reveal to you where you are going and how far you have come. It is not always helpful to get involved in the long and nuanced stories that are another’s grief. It is better to focus on your own grief. The stories in this book are moments that are there to help you on your way.

 

This book is not about complicated grief, that is, intense and unremitting grief that benefits from, and may require, professional help. The words “complicated grief” only appear here in the introduction. However, I point the way toward professional help in the “When to get Help” sections included in most of the chapters with easy-to-read warning signs to watch for. Inclusion of comprehensive discussions of therapeutic interventions and research is not appropriate for this book because this is a book about normal grief. Nonetheless, the grieving process is difficult even for normal grief, and this book is intended to help.

 

How to read this book:

 

Grief is unique for each person. One person may struggle with sadness, another with anger, another with the loss of meaning, another with guilt, another with feelings associated with trauma, and another with loneliness. Refer to the chapters that suit you in the moment that you pick up the book.

 

Throughout the book, I suggest many practices to help you in your grief. Some may be helpful to you in some situations, but not in others. They may be helpful either individually or in combinations and at different points in time during your grief process. Try them out and find the ones that work for you. You will find that many of them simply come naturally to you. In that case, they are here to validate your experience.

 

I encourage you to use this book to work with your thoughts and feelings. Most of the chapters include recommendations and exercises that you can do. For example, it is good to talk about your experience, and what you are thinking and feeling, with trusted friends, family, your deceased loved one, and yourself (in the form of journaling or creative expression). This idea of talking is repeated, reinforced, and discussed in different ways throughout the book. Some other examples are physical exercise, music, poetry, relaxation techniques, and memorial ideas.

 

Read the table of contents for ideas of where to start or look in the index for what you are experiencing and then go to that page. If you are overwhelmed and feel that every chapter applies to you, simply pick one. The amazing thing about working through grief is that if you are helped in one area, this will influence other areas in your grieving and in your life. It is like facing a daunting home maintenance project—like spring-cleaning. You start with one drawer in one dresser. You tidy it up and rearrange it. Afterward, you feel like you have accomplished an amazing amount and are inspired to continue just by carefully cleaning one drawer.

 

Although I know enough about grief to write about it, I do not know enough to write about your own unique experience of grief. That is your story to “write,” your story to tell. If this book helps you to find your own answers, then I will have succeeded.

 

We may buy a cookbook with the intention of trying every recipe in the book, but the common experience is that we pick one, two, or three recipes—that is the extent of our use. Years later, we may return to the cookbook and try out another few recipes. In reading this book, you may find that one chapter—maybe this one—one thought, one vignette, or one quote will resonate with you, and that will be enough. You may find a reference that takes you beyond what is written here and inspires you to go in a different direction. I encourage you to be on the lookout for your own favorite “recipe” and to change it up to suit your own experience.

My wish for you is that you find your own answers and come to appreciate your own inner power as you continue your journey of grief.

 



[1] Bowers, Duane, Conference: The New Normal and the Grief Process – How the threat of terrorism has changed us, challenged us, and added the dimension of fear to the grief process.” (Church of the Annunciation, Montgomery Center, April 1, 2002)

[2] Bonanno, George A., The Other Side of Sadness (Basic Books, NY, 2009), 7.

[3] Worden, William J. “Theoretical Perspectives on Loss and Grief”, p. 98 in Death, Dying and Bereavement Stillion, J.M., and T. Attig, eds. (Springer, NY, 2015).

[4] Jordan, PhD, John, “Grief after Suicide: a training for mental health professionals,” (Jewish Social Services, Rockville, MD, Nov. 20, 2015)

[5] Yeagley, L. Grief Recovery, (Larry Yeagley, 1984) 27-29.



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