Daily Excerpt: How to Be a Good Mommy When You're Sick (Graves) - Checklists for Coping as a Mother with Chronic Illness
excerpt from How to Be a Good Mommy When You're Sick by Emily Graves -
Remembering
The following
checklists are meant to be used as a quick reference or as reminders as you
reflect on areas of your life that you may be able to improve or make easier
using the information discussed throughout the book.
Sleep
• Establish a sleep routine for your
family.
• Be prepared for the initial battle to
establish that sleep routine. The first week will be difficult but you can do
it. Use your will to make this happen. It will benefit your entire family.
• Make a list of how an established sleep
routine would positively impact your and your family’s daily lives. Use this as
encouragement during the initial battle.
• Make sure your established sleep routine
includes an adequate amount of sleep for each person involved, especially
yourself. Being exhausted exacerbates chronic health issues. Do not leave
yourself out of this process.
• Include a nap for yourself if you need
it. Remember to remember yourself.
Swaddling
1. Fold the blanket to create a triangle (I
never have liked the fancy swaddle blankets).
2. Lay your child’s head in the middle of the
long side with their feet pointing toward the long end of the triangle.
3. Here is the difference – instead of
keeping your child’s arms by their side, tuck them in the little pockets you
have made by creating your triangle.
4. Fold one side (right or left) of the
triangle over and snuggly tuck it under your child to make it secure.
5. Pull up the foot end of the triangle and
tuck it in the first fold.
6. Wrap up that swaddle with the last
triangle piece and you have an excellent swaddle job!
Remember,
swaddling works well with shushing – a strategy that involves turning the baby
on his or her side and making a shushing sound. Get a good sleep noise machine.
Preparing for the morning
• Make your own checklist of what has to
be accomplished to get the morning off and started in a successful way.
• Now, highlight what can be done at night
in preparation for the morning. This may include packing lunch, loading the
car, laying out clothes, etc. You should literally pull everything you can out
of that morning routine and prepare it at night.
• Next, create a new list of what has to
be accomplished in the morning. It should be much more manageable. This will
also help you manage your sleep routine.
Getting up
• Make a list of what needs to happen for
you to get moving in the morning.
• If that includes, for example,
stretching – schedule stretching in your morning routine. If you need a few
minutes to meditate with your coffee, schedule it.
• Preparing for the morning and doing some
of the necessary tasks at night will allow for the things that really matter to
get you off to a successful start.
• Pinpoint what works for you so that it
becomes a routine and you can focus on your child. Children can be inconsistent
and if you are also inconsistent, this may lead to frustration. Stabilize what
you can so that you can minimize frustration with your child.
Food
Food preparation
• Figure out what your go-to meals are and
make a basic plan for feeding your family. Remember to think about sugar and
salt intake as well as balancing fat, calories, and carbohydrates. This is
especially important when taking a lot of medication and is overall good for
your family as well.
Baby Food
• Get a Beaba Babycook Food maker – or
something similar.
• Start using some of your good days to
make and freeze baby food. This will help you feel and be prepared to feed your
tot at any time, regardless of how you physically feel.
Do-it-yourself meal kits!
• Make a list of your favorite three meals
to cook – preferably meals that your family likes to eat.
• Now, break them down into the basics.
What can you prepare in advance to create a meal kit? The goal is to have one
container or Ziploc bag with all of your ingredients except your meat.
• These should be one skillet/grill/wok
meals.
• Ask your husband, friend, or food
processor to do the chopping in advance for you so that you don’t struggle with
your hands.
• Also, remember that there are
pre-chopped veggies available at your local grocery store – a staple for me.
For the love of crockpot cooking!
• Think of a favorite dish that could be
turned into a crockpot dish and experiment.
• Remember, if cooking meat for a long
time (6-8 hours) it may be best to wait and throw in your veggies after hours
2-4. I hate soggy vegetables so I never put them in at the same time as the
meat.
• Don’t give up if your first attempt
fails, keep experimenting – it will pay off in the end.
• Crockpot cooking can also turn into a
night chore that helps your morning routine. And, it is a great time to get
your spouse involved. The two of you can create a crockpot/food kit combo. Put
everything you can in the crockpot the night before and stick it in the fridge.
Put everything else in another container or Ziploc bag. Then, the next morning,
just pull out the crockpot and turn it on. Later in the day, you can add in the
rest of your prepared ingredients and give it a little stir – talk about an
easy to cook dinner!
Staples
Figuring out
how what works best for you and developing a routine in the kitchen helps you
predict what your family kitchen staples will be. Just knowing that you already
have X, Y, and Z on hand all of the time can take a lot of stress out of
putting a meal together.
• What will you include on your staples
list? Jot them down now.
• If any of your current staples require a
lot of chopping or preparation, I encourage you to modify your list so that
your staples (which become your go-to dinners) are actually simple to prepare –
especially on difficult days.
Drugs
• Get a pill stacker and use it. This will
help you make sure you are taking your medication properly and lessen the
frustration of managing many prescription bottles throughout the day.
• Double-check your doctor’s instructions
and use them to fill your stacker.
• Ask any question you have. There is never
a dumb question when you taking prescription drugs.
Lab work
• Work with your doctors to make the best
decisions for your care. This means knowing what is in your lab work.
• Ask what the results are each time you
have labs drawn. If you have a question, ask. It is important that you know
where you stand and are confident in your treatment plan.
• Take a notebook with you to each
appointment for instructions, information, lab results, questions, and ideas –
think of it as your self-advocate health journal. Bringing this journal and
actually using it will allow you to have accurate information to reflect on and
ask questions about at your next visit.
Safety
When playing
keep away is not a game
• Think about where you keep your
prescriptions.
• Are they in a place where there is no
chance for your baby or toddler to reach them?
Gates, plug covers, latches and knob covers
• Think about your house and what type of
gates would be most appropriate where? The investment is worth it – we are
talking about the safety of your child.
• What simple devices would help make
interaction with your child a safer experience?
• What does your child not get to
participate in (example, cooking) because of your physical illness? Finding
ways to modify, like the counter top chair for Will, makes interacting
rewarding and safe.
Two stories?
• Do you have a two story house?
• Where do you need to add safety gates?
• What items do you think you will benefit
the most from on each floor?
• Make yourself a list. When I first started,
I actually drew a diagram of our house so that I could literally see where I
wanted baby stations.
• When deciding, think about what you use
most often, what you can lift while holding your child, and what your budget
is.
Cleaning
• Baby wipes by the bulk.
• A spray bottle with your chosen mixture
and a light weight mop for spot mopping
• Disinfecting Wipes and Glass Wipes
• Think about how you do laundry – what is
your system? Does it need revision?
• Laundry is a physical job so come up
with a system that works for you and carry it out.
Choosing Care
Nanny
When I interview for nanny positions, I always take notes and then rate each nanny on a rubric so that I can accurately compare each interviewee. Here is an actual example of a rubric that I completed after an interview that I conducted when William was two.
The questions that correspond with the interview related directly to my expectations. Here is what I asked:
• What is your experience?
• Do you have any certifications?
• How do you handle stressful situations
with toddlers?
• Will you give me an example of an actual
stressful situation you have been in before?
• What is your understanding of privacy
when you are in our home?
• Are you able to work in our home? We do
not want William taken to your home.
• Then I ranked them by my feeling about
their personality and overall impression.
• Next, I called three references.
When we had the full time nanny, I actually had a notebook with feeding times, diaper changes, and a nap log that I had her fill out every day so that I knew as much as a could about William’s day. Here is exactly what we used:
Questions to ask when screening preschools:
• Are the teachers certified?
• What is the student/teacher ratio?
• Is the day structured to prepare students for kindergarten? For example, does each class have morning circle time?
• Is the curriculum alphabet based?
• Is there any free time included in the
day? How is that balanced with structured time?
• Are parents expected and welcome to be
involved?
• Does the school have a security system?
• Does the school offer a flexible days
option? For example, can you choose Monday, Wednesday, and Friday or a Tuesday,
Thursday schedule or five days a week?
I did not have
a rubric for this round of inquiries but if you like the system, you can easily
create one based on my above example and your own questions.
Looking Good
(and being on time)
• Take time to acknowledge what your
biggest struggles in this area are.
• For example, do you easily swell or
retain fluid?
• Does your medication cause side effects
that you struggle with daily?
• Now think about how you can directly
address those struggles. Some things we just have to “deal” with, but other
issues, such as serious swelling, can be managed.
• Make sure you are advocating for
yourself and communicating your struggles to your doctor.
• You can never be too pushy when it comes
to your own health. Especially when it comes to your daily struggles.
Triggers
• Know and identify your triggers – what
sets you back or causes a flare?
• What most dramatically effects your
daily struggles?
• Create a plan to help you avoid those
triggers, and tell people about it. They will respect the direct information
because they may not now – especially if they are doing something that is a
trigger for you.
Make a Plan
• Sit down and write out a plan that
allows you to accommodate your daily needs for maximum health.
• Now share that plan with the people that
you see and work with on a daily basis. For example, your family.
Scheduling
• Create a family schedule and a system to
manage that schedule.
• Consider using a digital tool such as
Google calendar to synchronize with your husband or teammate to best provide
for your child and your own health.
• Remember that communication is extremely
important when working with the schedule. This is in part why I love the
ability to synchronize calendars.
Actually Using Your Calendar
• You do not always have to say yes to
every invitation.
• Be selective about the activities you
participate in.
• Think about it: if you are not selective
now, how would that impact your schedule?
• Be selective about any change in your
routine/schedule – especially if you have one that works for you.
• Using the calendar helps you not
overschedule yourself or your child.
• Schedule rest times for yourself.
• Use the calendar as a visual reminder to
say no—my calendar is full, but thank you for the offer.
• Let your calendar act as a protection
tool as needed.
• Use your calendar to communicate – you
can both synchronize calendars with those who need it and invite people to
specific events on your calendar. Both are great.
Baby and Toddler Clothes
• Go for the no iron options
• Skip the snaps
• Look for zippers
• Minimize buttons
• Also – choose colors that will allow you
to mix and match, or blend
Sharing Your “Rules”
Do your friends
and family know what is difficult for you and what makes your life easier?
• Set some ground rules when it comes to
gift giving. Politely say, I prefer zippers over snaps. It is that easy. Many
times people are shocked that they did not think of it themselves.
Organize for Success
• Organize your child’s clothes so that
they work for you.
• Develop a system and stick with it. This
allow you to quickly put together an outfit that looks great without stress and
the less stress you have the more energy you will have to put into something
more important.
Communicate
• Communicate with your partner about your
needs. If you are having a rough morning, get help dressing your child. I
promise, it will not be the end of the world!
Smart Shopping
Remember to
look for great deals:
• Consignment Sales
• Trading with friends and siblings who
have kids bigger or smaller than your own
• Ross and other discount places
• Sign up for coupon emails
Beauty
Find a daily
routine that works for you—one that accommodates your personal struggles.
Clothes
• Find a look that gives you confidence
and more importantly, supports your physical needs?
• A tip for days when you insist on
wearing pants with a button:
1. Take a paperclip and open to an
"S" shape.
2. Slightly pull out larger side to grasp
easier.
3. Use the smaller side to feed through the
button hole.
4. Grab the button and pull. Rotate to close
• When shopping, remember to look for
clothes that meet your needs, for example, compression gear, large or no
buttons, zippers, no-iron pieces are also really great to have.
Hair
• Get a haircut and routine that takes little
time and fuss.
• Remember to buy fat handle irons,
brushes, and other tools you may use
Makeup
• Find a daily routine that makes you feel
confident with little time and effort.
• If you are unsure what to buy for your
skin tone go to the makeup counter at Dillards, Macys, or another department
store and get a makeover for suggestions – it is free!
• Remember that makeup tools (brushes,
mascara wands, etc.) come with fat handles also – take advantage and purchase
those.
Shoes
• Inventory your shoes and get rid of the
shoes that cause you pain.
• Do a little of research at some of the
suggestions discussed (like Zappos) and find some brands that meet your
physical and financial needs. There is a great variety!
Accessories
• Make accessories work for you.
• Choose accessories that are versatile
and do not cause you to be uncomfortable or make life more difficult. They are
supposed to be fun and used to pull together an outfit. For example, an endless
scarf can make jeans and a t-shirt look like an outfit.
Play/Exercise
Getting
exercise is very important but playing with your child is also equally
important. Combining the two can make for a great activity. Check out our local
offerings. Here are some ideas to start:
• Baby Yoga
• Yoga with free kid care
• Playing Chase
• Family walk
• Sun Time
• Swimming
• Stroller Strides
Remember, modify so that you and your toddler can participate
safely and confidently!
Meditations,
Prayer, and Affirmations
Follow these
steps to mindfulness of breathing meditation:
1. Once you are in your peaceful spot, sit or
lie face up in comfortable position.
2. Close your eyes and inhale and exhale
slowly and evenly through your nose. You can also breathe in through your nose
and exhale through your mouth or, if you have sinus problems, it may be easiest
for you to simply breathe in and out through your mouth; inhaling and exhaling
through the nose is the ideal, but it is not required. As with all things
involving meditation and exercise, listen to your body.
3. Without hyperventilating (meaning, go
slowly), try to take deep breaths that entirely fill your lungs. You can tell
when your lungs are full because you will feel a slight pressure at the bottom
of your throat. Begin by trying to find and take note of this slight pressure
as you inhale completely and exhale completely. Remember to keep your breathing
slow, and if for some reason you feel your breathing is become labored or you
feel a sense of anxiety, return to normal breathing. This shouldn’t be a
stressful practice, and there is nothing wrong with doing what feels right for
your body.
4. Once you are breathing comfortably and
fully, turn you attention to the point where the breath enters your body. This
is a subtle sensation against your nostrils or your lips. Simply feel and focus
on the breath entering your body. If your mind begins to wander to other
things, for example, things you feel you need to do, simply make note of that
feeling and return to the breath. When you first begin meditation, it may seem
impossible to stop your mind from wandering, but stick with it, and before long
you will find it easier and easier to dismiss the stray thoughts that do come
to mind. Just keep returning to the breath and noticing the sensation of it
entering your body. Try to focus on the breath entering your body for several
minutes.
5. Next, switch your awareness to the
sensation of the breath exiting your body as you exhale. This is very similar
to the sensation of the breath entering your body, but you will notice a slight
difference. Again, if thoughts interrupt your focus on the breath leaving your
body, simply take note of them and return to the breath. Take note of the
breath exiting your body for several minutes.
6. When it is time to finish your meditation
(you may want to set a timer to ensure that your practice for a set period),
you may want to begin your return to normal awareness by gently moving your
body. For example, you might begin by moving your feet or your hands in slow
circles or rolling your shoulders and gently swinging your knees. When you are
ready, slowly open your eyes. You should feel refreshed and more relaxed.
Exercise:
Seeing Yourself Succeed
1. Before you begin, have a particular chore
or task in mind. For example, you may be preparing for a visit from your
mother-in-law who, although meaning well, has a knack for making you feel
inadequate and setting your nerves on edge. In this case, your task might be to
maintain a positive attitude throughout her visit. Or, perhaps you are simply
trying to improve rest habits because, like me, you have a hard time napping.
2. Begin just as you would for any meditation
by finding a peaceful place where you can have a few minutes of privacy.
3. Close your eyes and begin to breathe
slowly and deeply.
4. Let your body relax and clear your mind by
focusing on your breathing.
5. In your mind’s eye, see yourself achieving
your goal. Try to make this image as detailed and realistic as possible, but
don’t stop with seeing. For example, see yourself smiling while your
mother-in-law checks the furniture for dust, or, referring to your other
previous example, see yourself sleeping peacefully in your bed.
6. You want to feel your success as well. If
you are preparing for a visit from your well-meaning mother-in-law, you will
not only want to see the smile and positive look on your face, but feel the
positive emotions you want to maintain. If you are trying to get more rest, try
to feel the rejuvenating sensation of complete relaxation.
7. Stay with your image and associated
emotions as long as is appropriate for your level of practice and situation. If
you can only visualize for two minutes, then don’t berate yourself for not
visualizing for five minutes or ten or twenty. Simply do what you can.
8. If your mind wanders while you are
visualizing, simply acknowledge the distraction and return to the vision and
feeling you want to create.
9. Finish your visualization practice in the
same gentle way that you end your meditation. You might also want to add a
positive statement that reaffirms your visualization (more on this when we
discuss affirmations), such as, I always stay positive no matter what my
mother-in-law says or does, or, I am very good at napping and can let my body
rest when I have the chance.
Exercise:
Inhaling Healing Energy/Exhaling Illness
1. Begin just as you would for any meditation
by finding a peaceful place where you can have a few minutes of privacy.
2. Close your eyes and breathe slowly and
deeply.
3. Let your body relax and clear your mind by
focusing on your breathing.
4. Begin to focus on your breath: fill your
lungs with life-giving air then empty them of the carbon dioxide your body
cannot use.
5. Now see this process, only instead of air,
visualize that as you inhale your body is being filled with warm, white light,
and that when you exhale, you are dispelling darkness from your body.
6. Now, imagine that the light filling your
body is healing energy. See and feel this light rejuvenating and healing your
body. See your cells, heart, kidneys, or whatever parts of your body need
healing drinking in this healing light as you inhale.
7. When you exhale, see and feel the illness
being expelled from your body. It doesn’t matter how you visualize the illness
leaving your body so long as you see it leaving. Perhaps you see the light
eradicating cancer in your body as you inhale and see the dark, inert shells of
cancer cells exit your body as you exhale.
8. If your mind wanders while you are
visualizing, simply acknowledge the distraction and return to the vision and
feeling you want to create.
9. Continue to visualize as long as is
appropriate for your level of practice and circumstances. If your mind wanders
while you are visualizing, simply acknowledge the distraction and return to the
vision and feeling you want to create.
10. Finish your visualization practice in the
same gentle way that you end your meditation. You might close with a positive
statement that reaffirms your visualization such as, My body is healing.
Prayer
• Consider scheduling a few minutes each
day for prayer.
• If you belong to a church, consider adding
yourself to their prayer list.
• If you do not like the continual
attention of an open prayer list, consider talking to your pastor about being
on his/her prayer list.
• Allow your family to pray for you.
• Remember, prayer is personal and you do
not have to pray the same way your sister or best friend prays, it is between
you and God. Pray in a way that works for your relationship with God.
Affirmations for Getting Well and Being a Good Mommy
1. I am connected to and guided by my higher
power (God).
2. I am accept myself and my body.
3. I trust myself and listen to my body.
4. I am ready to let go of habits and
thoughts that are unhealthy.
5. I am balanced and secure.
6. I see and think clearly.
7. I am alive and filled with joy.
8. I listen to and trust my heart and soul.
9. I accept the validity of my emotions.
10. I am able to let go of fear.
11. I am willing to accept and speak the truth.
12. I am determined to get well.
13. I am strong enough to do whatever it takes.
14. I live a balanced life.
15. I am brave and focused for my family.
16. I am grateful for all the good in my life.
17. I am grateful for my family.
18. I am grateful for my life.
19. I radiate love and happiness.
20. I give and receive love without restraint.
21. I accept happiness.
22. My heart and soul are filled with the light
of gratitude.
23. I celebrate the beauty of my life.
24. I am at peace with myself.
25. I am one with my higher power (God).
Affirm your foundation
Do not apologize!
• I accept myself without apology.
• I do not apologize for doing what is
best for my health.
Do what you can and be happy with it!
• I accept my limits and am grateful for
the things I can do.
• I am happy just to be alive.
Make Good Time: Take advantage of good days but don’t run into the
ground!
• I value feeling good.
• I use my time and energy wisely.
Be honest!
• I am not afraid to tell the truth.
• Honesty is best for me and my family.
Accept support and reject pity!
• I deserve kindness and support.
• I am strong and secure.
For more posts about Emily and her book, click HERE.
For more posts about chronic illness, click HERE.
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