Daily Excerpt: Widow: A Survival Guide for the First Year (Romer) - Two Rules for Survival
Today's book excerpt comes from Widow: A Survival Guide for the First Year by Joanna Romer.
Two
Rules for Survival
There is married,
and there is married. Most of my
friends, influenced by the women’s empowerment movement of the 1970s, worked at
jobs they liked, even if they had children. They had careers, meaning their job
wasn’t just something to do for money---it was meaningful work that fulfilled a
part of their being. These women weren’t married in the same way their mothers
were married. No matter how much they loved their husbands, from the very
beginning of their adult lives they sought satisfaction through paths in addition to marriage.
If you were one of
these women, be grateful. Be grateful that you learned early on that your whole
meaning in life does not rest solely with a man. If you were not one of these
women, be grateful too, because you’re going to learn this valuable truth now.
And these are just two of the many blessings you should be grateful for.
Cultivating gratitude is one of the cardinal rules for getting through the
first six to eight months of widowhood.
“What!” you cry, “I
should be grateful that my husband died?”
No, that’s not what
your gratitude is for. Your gratitude---and you should start exercising it
early, as soon as possible after the memorial service---your gratitude is for
the fact that you had a husband for as many years as you did. For five years,
or 10 years, 15 or 35---you had a person to think about, care for, worry about,
plan with, pamper, have sex with, go places with, and celebrate with. You had a
husband. Be grateful.
There are many ways
to express gratitude for your husband. One of the first things I learned from
my friend Marie, a wise woman who has been a widow for many years, is to bless
other couples whenever you see them. This may seem hard. There you are, hurting, and you’re supposed to feel
good about seeing couples holding hands? No, you don’t necessarily have to feel
good about this, at first (but you soon will). Think about it: there are
couples everywhere, and you are a new widow---you’re going to notice them. What
are you going to do, silently hope they’ll fall on their noses as they walk arm
in arm though the park? No! You bless them---it doesn’t have to be very
elaborate; just say those two words: bless you. This is part of gratitude, and
of you being grateful for all the years you were a couple. Within one or two
weeks it will be a welcome task.
There are many other
ways to express gratitude for the years you spent with your husband. You can
look at photographs of yourselves together, talk about your loved one with dear
and trusted friends (be sure to do
this---it’s part of the healing process). You can visit places you used to go
together, taking a friend along (more on this later). You can start making
lists of all your blessings. (I suggest starting this within the first
month---don’t be surprised if it brings tears of gratitude to your eyes.) As
time progresses, your list will begin to encompass other things in your life:
the new iphone you got for yourself, and the exercise regime you’ve
successfully undertaken. But, if you’re lucky, you’ll carry that gratitude you
felt for the years you spent with your husband with you. It’s like food: it
will nourish you, and help you grow.
The second rule for
survival is: Do something nice for someone else. I remembered this from hard
times past (my parents both died when I was barely 40), and was able to put it
into effect almost immediately. A few days after the memorial services, I went
back to the funeral home to collect some things---photos used in the DVD, and some
memorabilia that had been displayed. The funeral director, Michelle, was very
kind and spent a long time talking with me about grieving---she’d lost her
sister the year before. I felt comfortable with her, especially when she told
me she was a writer and had written several plays. One of them, it turned out,
had been produced at a venue in Orlando. Suddenly, half remembering my second rule
for survival, I blurted out, “The college where I’ve been teaching has a
performing arts center. Would you like me to see if we could put your play on
there?”
Michelle’s eyes lit
up, as much, I think, by my use of the word “we” as the suggestion of a
prestigious venue for her play. “Oh, wow, that would be fan-tas-tic!” she said, clasping my hand.
“Do you really think it’s possible?”
I didn’t know; I’d
retired from teaching a year ago to take care of my husband, but I’d kept my
ties with the college and something told me to go ahead---if nothing else, I
was expressing my support of Michelle’s play, and maybe, at the moment, that’s
what she needed.
During the following
week, in between dealing with banks and hospital bills, I made a phone call to
another teacher at the college, Helen, who was one of my good friends. Helen
suggested bringing Michelle to a meeting of the Women’s Conference Committee;
the play could be presented without cost if it had the sponsorship of a college
organization. Serendipitously, the Conference Committee was meeting the
following Wednesday. Helen said she’d make sure that Michelle and I were on the
agenda.
The next week,
Michelle presented a spellbinding synopsis of her play, and the group gave her
a round of applause when she was through, and agreed immediately to sponsor the
production. I didn’t have to say a word. Yet I knew that this act of
encouraging and supporting another human being, no matter how small, had
already been a big step in my healing. I had made an effort to get outside of
myself by turning my eyes back toward the world, instead of focusing only on my
inner world of grief. I’m not saying you shouldn’t grieve the loss of your
husband, but a balance needs to be established as early as possible between you
and the outside world. In the beginning of your widowhood, that balance will be
teetering precariously inward, so that you are overly conscious of your every
thought and feeling, the noises in your house, even your own heartbeats. But
the human mind can only focus on one thing at a time—as you direct your
thoughts to someone else’s needs, you tip the balance back to equilibrium. And
that’s what you need---to regain your balance.
There was one other
benefit to getting involved in Michelle’s play. The Women’s Conference
Committee at the college had meetings every other week. Michelle, dressed in
business attire for her job as Funeral Director, met me outside the building,
and we’d go in together. So naturally, I began dressing up too: suits, scarves,
jewelry.
There’s nothing like
pretty clothes for restoring some women’s confidence, and I am one of those
women. Maybe you are, too.
GUIDELINES: TWO
RULES FOR SURVIVAL
Gratitude
1.
When you get up in the morning, express
gratitude that you had your husband as long as you did. You can do this by
writing down some thoughts in a journal, saying a prayer, or just thinking
grateful thoughts.
2.
Talk about your loved one with friends,
mentioning particularly nice things your husband did for you and others.
3.
Make a list of everything that you have
to be grateful for. Post the list in a conspicuous place: near your computer,
on the refrigerator, or in a journal you use every day.
4.
Take yourself out to lunch at a
favorite place, and feel grateful to be lunching there. Savor the food; admire
the ambiance.
5.
Go to a movie that you know will touch
you. Be grateful that you can still be touched.
Do Something for Someone Else
1.
Buy a little gift for one of your
husband’s relatives. Sisters, brothers, even cousins may be hurting as much as
you are---making this effort will help you both.
2.
Invite a friend or neighbor who was
especially helpful to you during your husband’s last year out to lunch or
dinner, or ask if there’s anything you can do for that person.
3.
Select a charity and donate some of
your husband’s best clothes to that cause. I chose AmVets, since my husband was
a veteran. (No, you probably can’t do this right away, and you may want to
tackle it in several steps, but you’ll be amazed at how comforting it is to
imagine your husband’s clothes put to a very special use.)
4. Volunteer your services at a local organization, even if only for a short time. I offered to write press releases for a local museum; organizations like Hospice always need help. You don’t have to commit yourself for the rest of your life; the rule of thumb for widowhood is, don’t make any major decisions the first year. Just help out a little, when you’re ready and for as long as you like.
5. Open yourself to unexpected opportunities to help people, such as my encounter with Michelle. When you are available to help others, opportunities will present themselves.
For more posts by and about Joanna and her books, click HERE.
Sign up for the MSI Press LLC newsletter
Follow MSI Press on Twitter, Face Book, and Instagram.
Planning on self-publishing and don't know where to start?
in exchange for reviewing a current or forthcoming MSI Press LLC book?
Contact editor@msipress.com.
Want an author-signed copy of this book?
Purchase the book at 25% discount (use coupon code FF25)
and concurrently send a written request to orders@msipress.com.
You can!
Find their contact information on our Authors' Pages.
Comments
Post a Comment