Daily Excerpt: Harnessing the Power of Grief (Potter) - Chapter 1 What Is Grief and Why Is It Important?
Excerpt from Harnessing the Power of Grief (Potter):
What Grief Is and Why It Is Important
“We
have all come through it or we will all come to it.” —Elizabeth Alexander [Alexander][1]
Grief
is a natural human response.
Most of us can adjust and adapt to life’s daily changes
and losses. We have goals in mind, and we have an idea of how life is going to
go. We have a level of comfort about our skills as each day proceeds. We
rapidly adjust to the little changes of life—the traffic jam, the toddler’s
tantrum, the meeting that goes on and on, the unidentified noise in the night,
the forgotten item at the grocery store.
Think of how many times in the day we have to take a deep
breath, mutter some exasperated words, say a prayer, try to be patient and
loving, or try to be strong in the face of our goals and dreams being thwarted
or challenged by life’s little changes. Loss is present but not overwhelming,
and we easily manage to do what we must to stay on track.
As the changes get bigger, the stakes get higher. Loss
then becomes a more apparent and
more strongly felt companion to change. Even with positive changes—the ones
we sign up for—we still lose something. We marry and lose the freedom of single
life. We get a job and lose our dependence on Mom and Dad. Our child grows up,
and now our house is empty. We grow old and face the loss of loved ones, our
jobs, physical and mental capabilities, even the shared rich history of by-gone
times. We say hello to what is, and we miss what was. It is not always easy to
make this reconciliation between what is and what was. With each change, we
acquire a changed identity, sometimes very quickly, sometimes slowly. We become
a spouse, an employee, a parent, an older person. We grow into our changed
identities, and we may miss our old ones, too.
Then, there are the changes that we do not sign up for.
These losses can affect us deeply. When loved ones change or die or when our
meaningful activities change or end, we may feel that a part of us changes or
dies, too. A dream is shattered. We may feel betrayed. It is not only the
direct loss. It is the loss of who we are or who we think we are. By far, the
death of a loved one is the most poignant and challenging loss.
How do we make it through life’s losses and broken
dreams? How do we figure out who we are afterward? How do we incorporate these
losses, many of them tragic, and move on in life with renewed love and joy? How
do we find meaning in our life after we experience a loss? How do we remember?
Grieving is the way. When we experience the pain of
grief, we may think that these emotions are negative. We want to get over them,
get through them, and get relief from them. Peter McWilliams, self-help author
of You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a
Negative Thought, tells us that as painful as these feelings are, they are
a natural human response to loss: “…mourning is a positive human activity. It
allows us the flexibility to adapt to change. It is not ‘negative’ to feel
pain, fear, and anger at a loss. It’s a natural human response.” [McWilliams] [2]
If grief is natural to us, then why do we need a book
about it? Because we do not have a generally supportive culture to lead the way
and pave a way for us in grief. Grief is still seen as a short-term
disturbance. We grieve, but we also feel that we have to live as if everything
is normal. But it is not. Everything has changed or has completely fallen
apart, and now we think we must figure it all out for ourselves.
Grief
is love.
Barbara J. King, anthropologist and author, tells us that
there is evidence that prehistoric human beings buried their dead carefully and
lovingly. Special tokens were buried with the deceased. The care taken suggests
that the survivors loved those who died. In Russia, archeologists discovered
two bodies of young children that were over 24,000 years old. Many carvings and
husks surrounded them, and hundreds of hand-made ivory beads were sewn into
their clothing. [King][3]
The evidence suggests that the children were loved and that those who loved
them grieved their loss.
Marc Bekoff, Professor Emeritus of Ecology and
Evolutionary Biology at the University of Colorado has studied animals in
nature, and from his observations, believes that grief seems to occur in
animals. When a mammal in the wild dies, others in the herd, sometimes at risk
to themselves, will hover around the body and appear to offer comfort to one
another. The surviving mammals, particularly those in close love relationships,
like a mate or a parent, appear to be despondent. If an animal disappears from
the herd, adults and cubs may search for the missing animal. [Bekoff][4]
Love and grief are intertwined. Gerald May, MD, a
psychiatrist and, until his death, Senior Fellow in Contemplative Theology and
Psychology at the Shalem Institute in Washington, DC said, “Although it seldom
feels like it, grief is an authentic expression of love.” [May][5]
Each of us in the privacy of our hearts knows when we have loved authentically.
We are heart-to-heart. We remember those moments for the rest of our lives. In
those moments of grief, we know, even though it may be painful, that we are
connecting with our deceased loved one in a way that does not ask—because it
cannot—for a return of love. Grief is an expression of love for that which is
gone.
Grief
makes the loss real.
A common statement from someone who is newly bereaved is,
“I can’t believe it.” You may even behave at times as if the deceased is still
alive—setting a place for him at the table or calling him on the phone. Then,
once again the realization of the loss dawns. Grief helps you to accept the
reality of the loss.
The funeral events and services bring home the reality.
Yes, this did happen, and others in my community know it has happened, too.
The loss becomes real through memorial rituals, the
recognition of anniversary events such as holidays and birthdays, telling the
story over and over, and most poignantly, in experiencing the silence of
absence.
Grief
is unique for each loss.
Over your lifetime, you will experience many different
losses and may even feel you are accustomed to loss. Yet you may be taken aback
by your reactions. One loss will bring up tumultuous thoughts and feelings.
Another loss you may take in stride and feel very little sadness. It can also
take some time for the survivor to realize that she is affected by the loss.
Singer-songwriter Graham Lindsay sings, “We're all in
this together alone.” [Lindsay][6]
You are alone in that your grief is unique to you. Your relationship with your
loved one was unique. Maybe others also had a relationship with your loved one,
but it was a different relationship. When someone says, “I understand,” “I've
been there,” or “Me, too,” they haven’t. No one can really understand what
another person is experiencing. We can only listen to each other with love. In
the documentary, Stories We Tell, Canadian writer and director, Sarah
Polley, whose mother died when she was 11 years old, interviews significant
people in her deceased mother’s life to discover their narratives. Each person—siblings,
spouse, friends, and a lover—had a different experience and different feelings
about who Sarah’s mother was and their relationship with her. And each
experience was true for that person. [Polley][7]
Grief
will happen; you don't have to force it.
In my work with newly bereaved spouses, common first
questions were, “Am I doing this right?” “One moment I don’t know how I will
make it. And another moment, I am happy. How can this be?” “Is there an end to
this?”
You may wonder if grief is happening, if you are stuck,
or if you even are doing it “right.” Don't worry. Grief is a normal process,
and grief will happen. Whether you are a griever or a helper, trust that grief
is happening.
Grief
helps you to discover a new you.
As confusing and painful as it may feel, grief helps you
to discover new parts of yourself. Does this mean that you leave your loved one
behind? Not at all. Before she died, Nancy Newkirk comforted her best friend by
saying “Every person you have known is a part of who you are.” [Newkirk][8]
Each person is a part of the rich tapestry of your life.
The death of your loved one halts your life’s journey and
changes your experience of living and functioning in the world. By necessity,
you must learn new skills and perhaps take over activities that were once done
by your loved one. Thus, your journey of grief is also a journey of discovery.
You discover strengths and attributes about yourself that you may not have
appreciated before.
Occasionally
people get stuck in their grieving.
By and large, people make it through their grief and
continue their lives. There are times when it may be hard for you, maybe too
hard. There is help out there, and throughout the book I have noted signs for
you to watch for to help you decide when to reach out for help.
Chapter
Summary
Grief is a natural human response to loss. It is an
expression of love. It helps you to make the loss real. It helps you to create
a new you and to incorporate the memory of your loved one into your life. It
helps you to move on with your life.
You may wonder if you are the exception. Earlier, I
mentioned life’s little changes. Contemplate the way you adjust to small changes
and get back on track. The seeds are there for how you will adjust to the
bigger changes and losses. You are coming into grief with your eyes open and
are ready to do all that you can.
[1] Alexander,
Elizabeth, http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/husbands-sudden-death-elizabeth-alexander-writes-love-story , “After her husband’s
sudden death, Elizabeth Alexander writes their love story,” May 5, 2015.
[2]
McWilliams, Peter, You Can’t Afford the
Luxury of a Negative Thought, (Prelude Press, Los Angeles, CA, 1995), 123.
[3]
King, Barbara, “When Animals Mourn”, (Scientific
American, 63-67, July 2013), 67.
[4]
Bekoff, Mark, The Emotional Lives of
Animals, (New World Library, Novato, CA, 2007), Chapter 3.
[5]
May, Gerald, Shalem News, Volume 16,
no. 2, Summer 1992.
[6]
Lindsey, Graham, “We're all in this together alone” song title by Graham Lindsey,
(released January 20, 2009) www.grahamlindsey.net
[7]
Polley, Sarah, Director, “Stories We Tell,” National Film Board of Canada,
2012.
[8]
Newkirk, Nancy, Quote by Nancy Newkirk as remembered by her friend, Elaine
Raue.
For more posts about Julie and her book, click HERE.
To purchase copies of this book at 25% discount,
use code FF25 at MSI Press webstore.
 |
Follow MSI Press on Twitter, Face Book, and Instagram.
Interested in publishing with MSI Press LLC?
Check out information on how to submit a proposal.
Planning on self-publishing and don't know where to start? Our author au pair services will mentor you through the process.
Want an author-signed copy of this book? Purchase the book at 25% discount (use coupon code FF25) and concurrently send a written request to orders@msipress.com.
Julia Aziz, signing her book, Lessons of Labor, at an event at Book People in Austin, Texas.
Want to communicate with one of our authors? You can! Find their contact information on our Authors' Pages.
Check out our rankings -- and more -- HERE.
Comments
Post a Comment