Daily Excerpt: How to Be a Good Mommy When You're Sick (Graves)
Today's daily excerpt comes from How to Be a Good Mommy When You're Sick by Emily Graves.
The Foundational
Five
As a mother,
wife, and professional living with chronic illness, I have learned that there
is nothing more important than having a solid foundation root and guide me
through the thickets and meadows, the monsoons and the sunny days that dot my
calendar. Both good days and bad days can pose challenges when you are living
with chronic illness. I suppose no explanation is needed as to why the bad
days—the days when my stomach is turning itself inside out, fatigue burrows
deep into my bones, and my abdomen is swelling like a helium balloon—pose
challenges. Without a solid foundation, though, the good days can quickly
become bad days because I am apt to revel so much in my personal sunshine that
I get burned. Having a solid foundation reminds me to take care of the basics
and to keep the big picture in mind.
They say that
the unexamined life is not worth living, but at what point does self-reflection
and refinement turn into constant self-critique and a powerful negative force
in your life? Without a foundation, the very self-reflection needed to manage
chronic illness can become a fierce enemy. I used to consider myself a very
reflective person. As a classroom teacher in a low-income school, I found
reflection invaluable to my ability to help my students achieve their best
while often dealing with difficult home lives. When I went on to earn my
Master’s and then Ph.D., reflection became a way of life as I poured every
ounce of my energy into the quantitative and qualitative examination of
education administration and curriculum.
I tend to be an
all-or-nothing person, and I am afraid that there have been many times
throughout the last three years that I have allowed reflection to become
self-criticism and sent myself right into depression. Ironically, family,
friends, and medical personnel often praise me for “taking this so well” or
“handling being sick amazingly well.” I smile. I am always happy to hear that I
am keeping a cool exterior, but privately I confide to my husband that while I
may seem fine on the outside, on the inside, I often feel I am drowning and am
a Titanic shipwreck. What I have come to realize is that these feelings are
often the result of my own self-criticism, so the needs to manage both my body
and my mind have made the development of a strong foundation, what I call The
Foundational Five, essential. Below I share this foundation with you. This
foundation is then repeated throughout the book as we examine different tips
and methods that I hope will help you be the best mommy you can be.
No matter how
long you are sick, you will always have good and bad days with chronic illness.
Having a new baby is hard enough, but having a baby on the roller coaster of
life with a chronic illness can really open you up to feeling inadequate or
angry with yourself. The foundational five are five rules that I try to follow
although I do not always succeed. It seems, though, that when I do manage to
follow my own rules, I am a better wife and mom and generally a happier person.
1. Do not apologize!
“I’m sorry, but
I just can’t….” I used to begin a hundred sentences a day that way. I was constantly
apologizing for being sick, for having endless doctors’ appointments, for not
having enough energy to go shopping with my sisters or to road trip several
hours to take my son to see his grandparents. What I discovered was that all
that apologizing didn’t help. In fact, it made matters worse. It made me feel
inadequate, and it gave those I was apologizing to permission to feel that I
had somehow wronged them as if I had kicked their dog or backed into their new
Mercedes. How was that helping me be a good mother to my son? Answer: It
wasn’t. And how was that helping my friends and family understand my needs and
limits? Answer: It didn’t help anyone involved. So, here’s a simple rule: Never
apologize for being chronically ill and/or for any of the constraints that come
with it.
Why should you
apologize for something that is beyond your control? Part of having a chronic
illness is that sometimes you are going to need help and sometimes you are
going to feel like you are not able to fulfill what you know to be your full
potential. These times, whether they are minutes, days, or weeks, are
unavoidable. The question is how you deal with them. Apologizing for being sick
or not being able to do everything on your list is the start of a very bad
cycle that your self-critic uses to make you feel bad about yourself and
probably a little to a lot depressed; feeling depressed and down on yourself is
no way to get well or be a good mother. Instead of apologizing, give yourself a
break from expectations. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” say, “I’m doing the
best I can” and leave it at that because the person you are really saying
“sorry” to is your inner-critic, and giving in to her only makes her and her
criticism stronger.
Chronic illness
can’t always be controlled, managed, solved, or simply powered-through like
many other problems can. We just have to manage our situations the best we can
as moms and real-life people with very real problems. Apologizing for what you
may feel is a short-coming is really a sneaky way of publicly scolding
yourself. It also feeds your self-critic and gives those you are apologizing to
permission to feel disappointed or slighted by you. This is not fair to you or
the people around you who care about you and want to see the world through your
eyes as well as their own. They don’t need to hear what amounts to your
negative self-talk; they need the chance to love you for whom you are. You need
to give them that chance. More important, you also need the chance to accept
and love yourself for whom you are. Repeatedly apologizing for your limits is
no way to build the self-respect that is the foundation for self-love.
Having an
apologetic attitude can also result in taking your negative feelings out on
others. This happened all too often when I first became sick; at times, it
still creeps up on me. Before I got sick I worked a lot and contributed half of
our annual income. When my husband and I married, he knew he married a
career-oriented woman. We started our relationship as a team in every sense,
including financially. This meant we shared everything, discussed everything,
and worked equally towards our shared goals.
By the time our
son was born in December, my health was fading fast. By March, I had to quit
working. At the time, I felt like I had lost a huge part of myself and my
identity. I had built my identity around my job. After all, I had worked hard
to get it. I liked it, and I was good at it. Once it was gone, I felt lost and
very, very sorry. I knew I was sick, but I also knew that I had somehow let
myself, my real self, down. I wasn’t sure of myself anymore, and I was afraid
of who I might become without the core identity I had spent so long building.
In fact, I still have days where I feel like I am trying to figure out who I
am, but it was far worse before I created my foundation and resolved to stop
apologizing. Back then, instead of working to get better, I would periodically
spend time resenting my husband because he could still go to work. He was doing
what I felt like I should be doing, and he got to enjoy all of the social and
personal pleasures that come with getting up each day with a mission to accomplish
and places to go, people to see. At least, that’s how I saw it all day long
while he was away. Then, when he got home, I would explode at him.
This was so
unfair because through everything, he has been a rock and never—not even a
single times—said anything negative about me not working. In fact, he convinced
me that it was the right thing to do when I was fighting the doctor's advice
and putting my very life at risk by trying to maintain my fulltime job and be
super mom. Although it took me a long while to learn that in reality I am my
worst critic and that my apologetic attitude was enabling my self-critic,
perhaps you can look at your life and feelings and realize that repeatedly
saying you’re sorry for things you can’t help and getting down on yourself is
not healthy for you or those around you. Remember, given the opportunity, most
people will see you in a far better light and be far less critical of you than
you are of yourself.
I can’t even
begin to calculate how many times I have let my self-critic take over my day
and, by proxy, my family’s day. This is simply not fair to anyone involved.
Nobody is judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself so for the love of
everyone in your life, stop!
I know,
shutting the inner-critic up is easier said than done. So, begin by asking
yourself some key questions:
• What are you apologizing for?
• How does apologizing make you feel?
• In what area are you most critical of
yourself?
• Do you see any patterns in criticizing
yourself?
Taking some
time to reflect on patterns in your own life and understanding how you critique
yourself are solid steps toward knowing what you should not apologize for. Once
you change this behavior, your attitude will gradually begin to change as your
inner-critic shrivels and melts like a wicked witch doused in the crystal clear
water of self-respect, love, and kindness. Living with chronic illness takes
honesty, an honesty that must be kissed with kindness, not repulsed with reproach.
William
Glasser’s (1999) Choice Theory supports this idea with seven caring
habits and seven deadly habits. His seven caring habits are supporting,
encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating
differences. The seven deadly habits are criticizing, blaming, complaining,
nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing/rewarding to control. By thinking
about how these habits affect the relationships you have with yourself and
others, you will likely be able to better pinpoint exactly where your
self-criticism is getting the better of you as well as the changes in your
thinking and self-talk that need to take place in order to turn bad habits in
to good habits.
2. Do what you can and be happy with it!
Simply refusing
to apologize for what you cannot control in order to avoid beating yourself up
and/or empowering others to feel that you have done them some sort of wrong is
not enough. After all, as challenging as motherhood is, it should be a joyful
experience. Thus, mothers with chronic illness need to learn how to be happy
with the things they can do. This takes practice, and I am certainly no master,
but I have at least identified the goal and the problems getting there. When I
start feeling sorry for myself, it usually means I have allowed my own
self-critic to grow too strong, to have too much say, and then everyone
suffers. So I have to continually remind myself to see things in a positive
light, to celebrate my accomplishments and enjoy my life instead of feeling bad
or frustrated about it.
I am a
goal-setter and a list-maker. I used to pride myself on making the most
ridiculously long to-do lists and then accomplishing everything on it in one
day – even if that meant not sleeping. Crazy, I know, but that was part of the
going-100% career woman I used to think I had to be to feel accomplished.
When I had to
literally stop and be in bed – at the hospital or at home – for weeks and then
months, I felt I would go crazy. I would just lie there and think about
everything that I wished I could put on my list and accomplish. And with a new
baby to care for and worry about, I became particularly good at making
outrageous lists that in the end only added to my frustration while actually
doing very little for my baby or me.
In short, I was
hurting myself and my family. My job was to get well, but instead I was
creating stress for myself and my whole family. Nobody else expected me to do
anything but get better. Yet I had a hard time learning to be happy with
accomplishing nothing more than getting some solid rest so I could nurture and
play with my baby. Looking back now, I should have been enjoying every moment
of the rest and the nurturing and play that the rest made possible. But I had
not yet learned the importance of being choosing to be happy with doing what I
am able.
My husband was
amazing, and so was my family. Robert and I had their 100% support, and we had
absolutely everything we needed to take care of our son. So why did I
constantly beat myself up? The answer is simple: Even though I was doing what I
could each and every day, it simply was not good enough for me – my
inner-critic was not happy with it. No one benefitted from my not being happy
with what I could accomplish. Yet while I was accomplishing things that might
seem small to most people, they were actually big and important accomplishments
for this chronically ill mother, like the day I got rid of my catheter and was
able to go to the bathroom by myself. The moral is that you’ll never be happy
unless you learn to be happy with living within your limits and accomplishing
what you must in order to improve your health. I hope you will learn from my
mistakes and be happy with your everyday accomplishments – even if they are as
seemingly small as a trip to the bathroom.
Celebrating
your victories also means accepting your limitations without allowing yourself
to feel limited, and how you arrange your living situation can make a lot of
difference. After I got sick, we moved from a two-story home with too many
stairs for me to manage on a daily basis into a single-story garden home.
Instead of carpets that needed vacuuming, it had hardwood floors that could
simply be wiped-down, and we completely baby proofed everything. We will talk
more about this later in the book in the section about setting up your house so
that it works for you. Suffice it to say for now that this allowed me to take
care of our son within the confines of my ability. For me, being able to do
without a part-time nanny was a joyous time because I was able to take care of
Will by myself while my husband was at work. If I could not work, I was sure
going to do "my job" at home. I counted this newfound independence as
a huge victory.
When you start
feeling down, ask yourself: Are you beating yourself up instead of finding joy
in your own small victories? Taking some time to reflect on what you are able
to do and meld that with being happy. There are always going to be frustrating
times in the fight for good health and independence, but look for every single
victory, big and small moments, and hoard all of them. Yes, I said hoard them.
Then when you do have a rough day, you can reach back into your stockpile of
victories and remind yourself that this one day will not keep you down. Remind
yourself of your successes, and focus on what you have to do to start having
victories again.
A good strategy
is to create visual reminders for yourself if you are struggling in this area.
For example, write your victories down in a success journal that is nothing but
victorious moments in your life or make yourself sticky note reminders of your victories.
You could also take pictures and create photo albums that remind you of your
successes. Maybe it’s as simple but adorable as a picture of your baby cozy and
warm in a bath towel after a bath you gave him or her. Or if you have some of
the same struggles that I had, maybe you want to take a picture of the catheter
that you no longer have to live with. Whatever works for you is what’s right
for you. Remind yourself that you have had successes and what those successes
are.
The shift from
defeat to victory might be as simple as pouring a bucket of self-respect on the
witchy inner-critic who cackles that you have not done enough or that you don’t
have the pep of other moms in the neighborhood. Don’t compare yourself to mothers
whose biggest health concerns are a split nail and a few extra pounds.
Moreover, don’t compare yourself on your worst day to yourself on your best.
Remember that your challenges are unique and there is no sense in judging each
step of the journey. If you stumble, celebrate the ankle that didn’t twist
instead of concentrating on the one that did.
Very recently
my RA and kidney problems worsened, and my lab work went way off the charts. I
honestly did feel terrible. Of course, nobody but me knew about it until my
doctor called upset and insisted that I take extra measures for the sake of my
health. This is just me – I am not a complainer, and that sometimes gets me in
trouble. Anyway, I cried for a few seconds over the realization that my health
really was getting worse, not better, and then I reached into my victory bag
and reminded myself that I have successfully fought back before. Next, I began
taking the necessary steps to get back on track. To be concrete, here I the
steps I took:
1. I cleared my
calendar for the next three days and put my husband and everyone else on notice
that I needed to focus on my health for a while, so I was not going to be
Wonder Woman in my usual ways because I would be busy with being Wonder Woman
in some unusual ways.
2. I went to
the doctor for I.V. infusions and lab work every day for the next three days.
3. I started an
additional water pill to help with my swelling. This was a big victory of
willpower for me because I hate taking pills and was already taking about a
dozen pills a day. It may sound small, but making myself take that extra pill
every day was a victory for me that I am still proud of because I accomplished
what I could and needed to do.
4. I scheduled
additional time to rest and was intentional about following my schedule.
Sure, I was a
little frustrated by the change in routine and the extra medical care, but it
was necessary so that I could get back on the active mommy train. So I patted
myself on the back for taking care of business and not letting myself get down.
This setback
might sound small to some. I know that there are a lot of moms out there who
have had to deal with much bigger ones. But large or small, moms with chronic
illness have to weather storms and bounce back from setbacks on a continual
basis, and having a stack of victories to back you up when you are feeling
defeated really helps. Like I said, hoard those victories. You own them; they
are yours. That is why they make just as much, and quite often more, difference
than someone else giving you a thumbs up. So do what you can and be happy with
it. That may mean having to clear your calendar and miss something for a
treatment or modifying your day based on how you feel, but if so, then so be it
and be happy with it. Regardless of what it is that you can or need to do, be
happy with it because the alternative will not do anyone any good.
While being
happy with what you can do may be more easily said than done, there are a few
things you can do to improve your happiness that practically easier done than
said. Below are brief discussions of these easy techniques:
• Smiling – Even if you don’t feel like
smiling, the physical act of smiling can make you feel happy. Doctors Paul
Ekman and Wallace Friesen are what we might consider academic celebrities for
their work in understanding the way that smiling affects us physiologically.
Since their seminal work in the 1970s, numerous studies have found that
smiling, whether we feel like it or not, actually produces positive
physiological responses. For example, a recent study by Drs. Tara L. Kraft and
Sarah Pressman (2012) of the University of Kansas showed that smiling, sincere
or not, improves the body’s ability to deal with stress. And here’s the beauty
of this trick: It is actually easier done than said.
• Power Poses – Standing like Wonder Woman
can make you feel wonderful, or at least more in control of your life and lower
your stress levels. Dr. Amy Cuddy of Harvard University and Dr. Dana Carney of
UC-Berkeley have conducted experiments demonstrating that adopting poses that
communicate positive, confident attitudes for as little as two minutes a day
can actually make people feel more positive and confident (2012). Perhaps the
easiest Power Pose do is to the Wonder Woman. Simply stand-up straight with your
feet spread shoulder width and your hands on your hands on your hips, elbows
held out wide like the tips of wings. Again this is literally easier done than
said. Be sure to catch Dr. Cuddly’s TED Talk: It can be viewed on the Internet
for free here: http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are
• Eat Dark Chocolate – This one is most
assuredly easier done than said. If you are able to eat dark chocolate, then
you should do so and be happy about it because eating dark chocolate is not
only good for you, it can help your body better deal with stress and boost your
mood (Birch 2014). Dark chocolate is rich in antioxidants, which help to fight
cancer and reduce the risk of numerous diseases, including Alzheimer’s. It’s
also rich in tryptophan, a precursor of serotonin, which is causes feelings of
happiness, pleasure, and wellbeing. Just remember not to overdo it, of course.
Chocolate bars that come in easy to break-apart sections are great for portion
control. Also remember to look at the percentage of cocoa in your dark
chocolate. A percentage of 70 or higher is needed to deliver most of the
benefits of dark chocolate, but 85% is probably ideal. That said, remember to
do what you can and be happy with it: For me 85% is too much cocoa, so I stick
with my preference of 72% (I eat Ghirardelli’s Intense Dark Twilight Delight)
and am very happy with it.
• Gentle Exercise and Stretching – One way
to feel happier that is fairly easy include doing just a little exercise every
day or to simply stretch your muscles. If you are able to walk for even five
minutes a day, that is an excellent way to boost your mood; plus, you can
congratulate yourself and feel good about taking that walk. Just remember not
to compare yourself to your marathon-running sister or best friend. Be happy
doing what you are capable of and you will find your general wellbeing growing
exponentially.
• Other Tips – Some other easy ways to
boost your mood and be happy with what you can do include petting your dog or
cat, lighting a scenting candle that brings back good memories, listening to
music, deep breathing (see more on this in the meditation section), keeping a
regular sleep schedule, cutting back on refined carbohydrates like sugar and
white flour, and getting some sunshine.
3. Make good time: Take advantage of good
days but don’t run yourself into the ground!
If I’m not
careful, I have a tendency to run fast and furious on my good days, which
inevitably sends me into a tailspin of bad days. My advice is simple: take
advantage of good days but don’t run so hard and fast that you are still paying
for it five days later. Learn to pace yourself and think: Is doing that extra
load of laundry or running that extra errand really worth it? Or, could I
divide these tasks into two or three days?
Remember to
give yourself breaks even when you are on a roll in order to avoid creating a
series of bad days. If you are like me, you impulsively want to get as much
accomplished as you can while you are feeling good, but it’s very important to
resist this temptation and remain even keeled and go steady, not hard. For me,
this can be more easily said than done because in the back of my mind I am
always thinking that if I can do it now, I should because what if I can’t in
the future? Honestly, that recurring thought terrifies and haunts me. This
thought can be triggered by something as simple as the prospect of a load of
laundry not getting done, but it is rooted in the fear that I will miss
something important because of my illness, especially something relating to my
child’s life. I’m sure you can relate when I say that I do not want to miss any
of his time growing up. He is my baby, so of course I want to be there to see
his first everything. So I have to remind myself that my being there has a lot
more to do with taking care of myself than getting things done.
Take inventory
of your condition and your long-term needs. Pay attention to how you feel and
how that relates to the amount rest you are getting. You may even want to keep
a daily journal to record your activities and how they affect your overall
energy level and wellbeing. Over time you will figure out how much you can do
on your good days without creating bad days – basically, keep yourself in
check.
For example, on
many occasions, I have decided that I could make it through Target or the
grocery store when I knew in my bones (literally) that I was reaching my limit.
A couple of times I almost fainted and a few others I had to just leave my
husband to check-out alone (as he reminds me, he’s capable of paying the bill
without my assistance), and I barely avoided falling over with exhaustion
before I made it back to the car to rest.
I finally
broke-down and started using the motorized cart at the grocery store if I
absolutely had to go on one of my worst days. Yes, I was extremely embarrassed
at first, but the fact is that it allows me to make it through the store in one
piece, and that is far better than avoiding embarrassment and pushing over my
limit. This compromise has allowed me to pick out my own groceries or Target
items, things I can be very particular about, without making myself extremely
sick. The biggest upside of using the cart when needed is that it reserves what
strength I do have for my taking care of my son, which is what is really
important. Another small victory: a win over my self-criticism and fear of
being judged by strangers that allows me to do what I find is most important.
Negotiate with
yourself. If you need to use the motorized cart to meet your personal goals at
times, it is not the end of the world. Don’t let a little embarrassment stop
you from being the best mom you can be. Although it may be a tough negotiation,
think of the next few days and how you want to feel and what you really want to
be able to do. Sacrificing strength and health just to meet a very short-term
or vanity-driven goal is not worth the costs of putting yourself out of action
and/or off schedule for days at a time. Get to know and accept your
limitations. I don’t mean you should give-up on the idea of ever expanding your
limits, but it is very important to be realistic about how much you can do in
any given day and maintain some semblance of functionality. If you have been
sick for a while, you probably already know how your body reacts to certain
activities and stressors, so take that hard-earned knowledge very seriously.
Give yourself a reality check and work with and within your physical abilities.
Take time to consider the following questions:
• Realistically, what are your limitations
on an average day?
• How much can you reasonably accomplish
in a day without running the risk of setting yourself for a day or more?
• What can you do without pushing yourself
over the limit?
• Are you able to modify some of your
activities in the short-term for a long-term gain?
• What activities will bring you the most
happiness?
Ask yourself
the above questions and consider the answers whenever you are planning your day
or week or even a family vacation.
For me, this
means thinking a lot about swelling. Swelling has been my arch nemesis, so to
speak, the bad guy out to steal my happiness, and we are in constant battle. I
swell-up throughout the day and have to be extremely careful about anything
that I put into my body – food and yes, even water. I can easily gain ten or
more pounds in a day or even a single afternoon if I eat the wrong thing and/or
consume too much liquid. So I try to plan most of my activities in the mornings
because I always feel better at that time of the day, once I ditch the morning
stiffness from RA, that is.
For me, making
good time and not wearing my out also means making sure I get enough rest. I
use my calendar religiously (my husband and I sync Google calendars to run our
family), and I actually schedule rest and reflection time. Scheduling my
activities, including rest and reflection times, provides structure and allows
me to always feel as though I am “doing” or “accomplishing” something. I would
love to fill my calendar up with many busy activities, but that would be
playing the short game and I am all in it for the long game.
Here’s one of
the best tips I can urge you to try: use a calendar and look at it daily – I
mean really use it. Get your family activities synced and you will be able to
better assess exactly what is on your family’s schedule and then make decisions
on how much you can actually do based on what is most important. It is not
unusual for Robert and I to look at the calendar and say, “Wow, that is too
much,” and then selectively cancel appointments/events/or whatever as we need
to so that our schedule works for all of us.
If you are
having a hard time cutting things from a busy schedule, a shift in emphasis
might help you make the changes you need. In our high-paced, competitive
society, we tend to be obsessed with making “good time.” However, as Robert
Persig writes in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, when you put the
emphasis on good instead of time, “the whole approach changes” (1974). What
this often means (and what I believe Persig’s point to be) is an understanding
of the value of enjoying our time and thus making a shift from quantity to
quality. In other words, instead of putting your emphasis on getting a lot
accomplished, put the emphasis on the quality of your time. Using a calendar
and putting everything in contexts of your physical abilities and what is
really important to you can help you put the emphasis on good instead of time
so you can make the most of good days without overdoing it.
Some questions
to consider:
• Are you placing emphasis on good instead
of time in your daily life?
• Could emphasizing quality instead of
quantity change the way you think about your schedule?
• What does emphasizing good over time and
quality over quantity mean in concrete terms for you?
• Take a moment to picture your ideal day.
What activities are part of that day, and perhaps more importantly, what
activities are not?
4. Be honest!
One trap that I
have repeatedly fallen into the dishonesty trap, wherein I lie to myself or
hide the truth from others about the realities of my health. Don’t let this
happen to you. No matter how badly you want to deny it, you need to have the
courage to be honest with yourself and others about your condition. This does
not mean that you have to run around advertising that you are sick, but when
you need help, be ready to be honest with yourself and those around so you can
ask. Also, you will find it impossible to be happy with what you can do and
make good time if you cannot be honest with yourself about your health
condition and the limits it imposes.
Likewise, when
you don’t need help and want to do something on your own, make sure those who
love you and are used to helping you know the situation. This is tricky because
you don’t want people to feel like you just call on them when you need them,
but you also want to feel as independent as possible, especially when doing
something for yourself is important to your overall mental health. In the end,
living with some unpleasant truths is always better for you and your health
than trying to live a thousand little lies or a few big ones for the benefit of
others or simply to avoid facing the truth for yourself.
Like most
suggestions in this book, being honest is going to be harder for some readers
and easier for others. So if you are good at being honest, congratulate
yourself. Talking and thinking honestly about being sick is something that did
not come naturally to me. I have always been a reflection of my British
ancestors in this way as I have a compulsive need to “keep a stiff upper lip”
and keep going as if nothing is wrong. This attitude of mine, however, is no
doubt why I have struggled so much with this particular issue, and I am sure
that I am not the only one. In fact, I would venture to guess that everyone who
deals with chronic illness also has to deal with the temptation to avoid the
truth from time to time.
“Be honest”
sounds simple, but when the truth is something that is frightening to admit
about your own body, it can be very complicated and the dishonesty trap,
waiting with open jaws, can seem like a safe haven. However, if you are not
honest with yourself about being really sick it becomes problematic. There have
been times when I have argued with my husband because he did not know that I
needed help or support. Of course, I did not ask or he would have done
everything he could, but I think I honestly expected him to read my mind so I
wouldn’t have to go through the trouble and trauma of asking for help. Even
with my own husband, I have had to learn to be honest and ask for help when I
need it.
So here’s the
truth: I am in constant denial when I have flare-ups until reality slaps me in
the face and suddenly I am really sick. It can actually be traumatic for people
in the community and my wider circles who never knew I was sick when they see
me suddenly very ill. And their dismay and horror is never good for my spirits.
When I see myself reflected in their widening eyes, all the work I have done to
accept the reality and limits of my situation can begin to unravel. I have
learned the hard way that old saying honesty is the best policy goes double
when you’re living with a chronic illness. So while I do not broadcast that I
have RA and kidney problems, when the opportunity comes along, I am now more
open and honest about with the people in my life about my illness so that they
do not hit the panic alarm when I do have a flare-up and are more understanding
when I need help or simply to cancel plans.
Some questions
to think about:
• Are you honest with yourself about your
health?
• Are you honest with others?
• If you need to make a change in this
department, what and who would that change entail?
• How could being more honest with
yourself and others change or impact your life?
• What is the least people in your life
need to know about your condition?
• How could greater disclosure benefit
your family and make you a better mother?
5. Accept support and reject pity!
Even if you are
honest yourself and others, dealing with your emotions regarding support and
pity can be difficult. That’s why the final piece of my foundational five is to
accept the support and positive energy I need while rejecting pity (and general
negativity) on all fronts. If you are like me, you hate asking for and
accepting help. In fact, I can downright resent it. If you have this
unfortunate but understandable attitude, be aware that it can cause problems
with the people you are closest to because, believe it or not, they can’t read
your mind (at least not all of the time).
I already
mentioned that I would sometimes argue with my husband because I was unwilling
to open about my needs; well, on other occasions I have actually been mad at my
mom because she was helping too much while I silently brooded that I am neither
five nor 95. Yet the truth is that her help is usually a great relief. The
problem is my occasional inability to accept the support I need. Being honest
with yourself and others about your condition and needs is going to result in
others offering you their support. Learning to graciously accept that support
is key to being a good mommy when you’re sick.
Just as honesty
leads to offers of support, accepting support requires even more honesty on
your part. Begin with the basics. Ask yourself:
• Is a resistance to accepting help a
component of your personality?
• How hard is it for you to accept help?
• Do you often refuse or resent receiving
help, if so why?
• How valid are your reasons for refusing
or resenting help?
• Is your pride or any other reason you
might refuse or resent help more important than being the best mom you can be?
It is easier to
ask for and accept help when you are around supportive, positive people. So
surround yourself with supportive people and ditch the Negative Nancy-types. Or
if you can’t ditch them, don’t be afraid to tell them that their negativity is
neither helpful nor welcomed.
Quite often,
negative people can be kept in check with some difficult but necessary honesty.
The fact is that nothing is worse than having to be around a person who is
constantly being negative when you are ill. You surely don’t need this in your
life when daily tasks and taking care of a new baby or growing toddler are
already tremendous challenges. Do not be afraid to let go of or avoid negative
people and replace them with people who have positive natures and are willing
to let their sunny dispositions shine on you. If you can’t completely get the
negative types out of your life, try to minimize the time you spend with them
and their willingness to express their negativity in your presence. It really
will make a difference in how you feel about life. Positive, supportive people
will bring you up to a place where meeting your own challenges is easier.
Negative people, whether they mean to or not, will only bring you down and make
your challenges that much more difficult.
As I have tried
to network with more people who have chronic illnesses in order to learn from
their successes and failure, I have come across a particularly troublesome type
of Negative Nancy. This is the type of negative person who wants to bond over
being sick in a way that is more akin to wallowing in self-pity than
inspiration and empathy. As a person who does not run around with illness as my
focus, I would much rather talk about my son or the sun or Sun Tzu or do just
about anything but feel sorry for myself. So these people are hard for me to be
around because all they want to do is talk about being sick and ask how I am
doing with my every symptom. It sometimes seems as though they are competing to
see who can be the sickest.
As a positive
person with things to do and a family to care for, I simply do not have the
time for this type of negativity. Frankly, many times I just don’t even want to
think about dealing with this type of Negative Nancy and have actually changed
plans in order to avoid dealing with them. This can be a useful strategy, but
again, being honest usually pays the highest dividends. I was raised to be
polite, so I am learning polite ways to shut them down.
For those who
are trying to deal with motherhood and chronic illness, I suggest creating
distance from those who want to roll around in the tearful mud of illness
regardless of how impolite you have to be. Remember to put your family first,
which means putting your well-being ahead of the feelings of people who will
drag you down into the mud. While it is good to have people who can understand
what you are going through to vent with sometimes, it is not good to be around
people who dwell on feelings of defeat and self-pity. As a busy mom, you don’t
have time for that.
For example, I
recently had an unfortunate encounter with a particular Negative Nancy of the
self-pitying sort. I think this person is wonderful at heart, we just deal with
being chronically ill in very different ways. One evening at an event for an
organization we both do volunteer work for, I walked into the “ballroom” and
headed over toward my usual table. She screamed from about 30 yards away, “Hi
Emily! How are you doing with this weather change? Are you in a lot of pain?”
and continued on. I wanted to stop and dig a hole to climb into right then
because I was so embarrassed. I simply told her I was doing fine and “thank you
for asking.” As she often does, she preceded to share a lot about her own
illness and personal misery as if we were involved in a public bonding ritual
for masochists. I can understand that she may need to vent about her problems,
and that is fine to a degree, but I really hate my illness being made into a
spectacle, so there is that issue along with the fact that I have learned that
this sort of cohabitating in misery is not healthy. While I do see her at
times, I also make sure the times are short and work to drive the conversation
into something more appropriate and positive.
The main point
is this: You do not need people to feel sorry for you, so don’t be afraid to
shake-up those people a little and let them know how they can be supportive. I
used to get really angry when people would feel sorry for me and talk about how
sick I am or how bad they felt about what I am going through. Then I came to
the conclusion that some people just need direction even when they have good
intentions. Tell people you love how they can be a positive and supportive
force in your life without the “I’m sorry for you” factor. I have spent an
embarrassing amount of time being secretly angry and frustrated and it turned
me into a Negative Nancy – I didn’t even want to be around myself! In my
experience, it will strengthen relationships and you will not have to wrestle
with being secretly angry or frustrated with anyone. If the relationship
doesn’t go in a positive direction, you know it’s your cue to run like a lost
man from getting directions.
Many times
these people will feel relieved because they are not sure how they are supposed
to act and go to what they know. Providing some direction helps them and again,
strengthens relationships. I think this is particularly important for young
women and moms because they are not used to being around a chronically ill
person so feel on edge or nervous about saying the wrong thing.
Here are a few
tips for surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people:
• Make an Allies List and Reach Out – Do
you have certain friends or relatives with infectiously positive attitudes? If
so, be sure to reach out to them and bask in their sunny dispositions on a
regular basis. Make a list of the most positive people you know and take time
daily or weekly to give them a call or have them over for tea or coffee or
water. You may also want to let them know how much you appreciate their
positivity.
• Make a Negative Nancy List – Evoke your
inner Santa: make a list, and check it twice, of who is negative and nice.
Create as much space as possible with the negative people, and don’t be afraid
to tell them that their negativity is neither helpful nor welcomed. This may
sound mean-spirited, but your health and the wellbeing of your family are at
stake. Besides, a little honestly can sometimes do negative people a lot of
good because they are often unaware of the effect their attitudes have on
others and themselves.
• Make a Pity Partier List – Are there any
people you may want to avoid not because of their negative attitudes but simply
because they feel so very, very sorry for you? These people are potentially
great allies because their pity is rooted in their love and concern for you.
However, none of us like to be treated like a little lost puppy or a charity
case, and it is important that you make these potential allies aware that their
pity is not helpful. Talk to them about it. Let them know you’ve decided that wallowing
in sorrow is not going to make life better, and it is counterproductive for
them to constantly pity you. The people who love you will want to have a
relationship with you so don’t let them mess it up with a pity party.
• The Power of a Positive Partner – If
your partner is prone to look at life negatively, you should share the results
of recent study led by Eric Kim (2014), a doctoral student at the University of
Michigan. What Kim and his fellow researchers discovered is that people with
optimistic spouses enjoy overall better health than others. It’s not always
easy to tell someone close to you who’s being negative to change their frame of
mind; nonetheless, you should let your partner know that optimism is not only contagious,
it will actually improve your health.
USE THE CODE FF25.
Read more posts by and about Emily Graves HERE.
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