Cancer Diary: Saying Goodbye When Goodbye Isn’t Possible
Not everyone wins their battle with cancer. As painful as that is to say—and even harder to write—it's true. For those of us walking this road alongside someone with cancer, we carry hope, strength, and belief for as long as we possibly can. But sometimes, the ending isn't triumphant. Sometimes, it's simply… the end.
That was the case with Carl.
Carl had Cancer of Unknown Primary (CUP), one of the most elusive and aggressive forms of cancer. With no known origin, it hides in plain sight and resists targeted treatment. Fewer than 15% of patients with CUP survive beyond one year, a statistic that, while low, has improved considerably since Carl fought his battle. When Carl knew the miserable odds, he believed he would be one of the rare exceptions.
He expected to win.
That expectation, though inspiring in the early days, slowly became a barrier. As his body declined rapidly over five short months, the signs were all there: treatment wasn’t working, strength was fading, inability to care for himself was rising. But Carl couldn’t acknowledge any of it. He was in deep denial, and so the conversations that might have brought peace—words of love, gratitude, closure—never happened.
He didn’t say goodbye. He couldn’t.
And yet, somehow, everyone understood.
Carl died at home before hospice could truly begin. Three of his four children were with him; the fourth, a disabled adult unable to mount our 17 stairs, was by the phone. I was by his side—his wife of 51 years—and so were his six cats, who were family in their own right. His special cat, Happy Cat, never left the foot of the chair Carl died in. He kept watch, quiet and calm, as if he knew what was coming.
Carl didn’t say goodbye to the kids, or to the cats. But still, there was presence. There was love. And in the absence of words, there was understanding.
The final grace came through two last rites. The day before Carl died, a dear friend—a priest who teaches seminary in Colombia—called unexpectedly. Somehow, he had sensed it was time. Over the phone, he gave Carl last rites in Spanish, and I translated as Carl listened; he was incapable of response, linguistically or physically. Nonetheless, it was the first spiritual moment in months that brought any kind of stillness.
The next morning, our family priest came to the house and gave last rites again, this time in English. Just the two of us were there—Carl and me. In that small, sacred circle of time and silence, we shared the most intimate moment we had had since the diagnosis. It wasn’t goodbye, not in words. But it was something. And it mattered.
Not everyone can say goodbye. Sometimes denial stands in the way. Sometimes time does. But even when those moments don’t come as we hoped, there can still be closure.
That’s why I was so moved to learn that Barbara Karnes, long-time hospice nurse, administrator., and educator and author of several beautifully written (and very helpful) books on death and dying, had had sat down for a special four-part conversation with Helen Bauer, host of The Heart of Hospice Podcast to discuss the topic of saying goodbye. Her clear, compassionate voice has guided thousands through the end-of-life journey, and now she’s offering her wisdom in a new format that’s accessible to all. I believe what she’s doing is vital.
In memory of Carl. And in solidarity with all who carry love into the hardest goodbye.
For other Cancer Diary posts, click HERE.
Blog editor's note: As a memorial to Carl, and simply because it is truly needed, MSI Press is now hosting a web page, Carl's Cancer Compendium, as a one-stop starting point for all things cancer, to make it easier for those with cancer to find answers to questions that can otherwise take hours to track down on the Internet and/or from professionals. The CCC is expanded and updated weekly. As part of this effort, each week, on Monday, this blog will carry an informative, cancer-related story -- and be open to guest posts: Cancer Diary.
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