Daily Excerpt: How to Be A Good Mommy When You're Sick (Graves) - Looking Good and Being on Time
Today's daily excerpt comes from How to Be a Good Mommy When You're Sick by Emily Graves.
supportive people and ditch the Negative Nancy-types. Or if you can’t ditch them, don’t be afraid to tell them that their negativity is neither helpful nor welcomed.
Quite often, negative people can be kept in check with some difficult but necessary honesty. The fact is that nothing is worse than having to be around a person who is constantly being negative when you are ill. You surely don’t need this in your life when daily tasks and taking care of a new baby or growing toddler are already tremendous challenges. Do not be afraid to let go of or avoid negative people and replace them with people who have positive natures and are willing to let their sunny dispositions shine on you. If you can’t completely get the negative types out of your life, try to minimize the time yo
Looking Good (and
being on time)
Picture 108a—suggestion
Honestly,
looking good is the icing on the cake. If you can’t take care of the basics,
none of the rest matters. I have learned that the hard way, repeatedly. My dad
always says that I am one who has to touch the stove to make sure it is hot,
and he is right. I am stubborn and relentless. In fact, in high school I won
the “my way or the highway” award. That’s not something to be proud of as an
adult, but it does give you some insight into my personality. I always want to
be and look my best, and I have often put the best practices that have become
my Foundational Five aside in service of appearances. And truth be told,
although it can be very important to be on time to certain appointments, there
are plenty of instances when being on time is often just a matter of looking
good, or not wanting to look bad.
I get very
anxious when I am running late. Actually, that’s an understatement: I have a
physical reaction to running late. I hate it. But there often isn’t any logical
reason for this other than my need to maintain appearances. Like a lot of
women, I spent a good portion of my life being trained to please people, and I
often give-in to the feeling that being late is as big of a faux pas as showing
up to a fine restaurant dressed in a ratty, old sweat suit. So it should come
as no surprise that I hate looking like a slob. Hence, I needed to figure out a
system that works for me on good days and days when I struggle. And for me,
that meant facing a certain Big Bad Wolf that can, metaphorically speaking,
change the setting of my daily life from an idyllic suburban neighborhood to a
dark and tangled forest.
My biggest
daily struggle in life since my kidney problems began has been with swelling.
Swelling, particularly in my torso, has become my Lex Luther, my Professor
Moriarty, and my Edie Britt. In other words swelling is my nemesis, my
archenemy, and unfortunately, everything seems to revolve around “managing” or
combating this enemy. I used to think that swelling was just swelling until I
was unable to lift my own body weight because I was carrying 50 pounds of fluid
just before my emergency caesarian section delivery of William. Also, I have
had times when my abdomen was “tapped” (literally punctured and syphoned with a
hose) and three liters of fluid was vacuumed out of me in a matter of minutes –
talk about an extreme makeover!
So for me, my
biggest challenge to looking good and being on time was rather obvious: I
needed to deal with the Big Bad Wolf called swelling. Take a few minutes to
pinpoint your biggest areas of struggle?
• Do you struggle to get moving in the
morning?
• Do you easily swell or retain fluid?
• Does your medication cause side effects
that you struggle with daily?
My war against
swelling
Before
discussing anything else, I want to elaborate more on swelling and the mistakes
that I made when first fighting this war. Initially, I read lots and lots on
the internet about drinking to reduce swelling and I think that is exactly what
lead me down the wrong path. I cannot emphasize enough how much you should
listen first to your body and then scream and wave red flags to get your
doctors’ attention when you know something is not right.
One night when
William was still an infant, I lay in bed struggling to breathe because
swelling in my upper abdomen was compressing my lungs and literally squeezing
them shut. I knew that something was definitely more wrong than my doctors had
acknowledged and was afraid that I would suffocate during the night. I also
knew there simply had to be a way to help my extremely swollen abdomen. I
googled for about five minutes and found out about this “tapping” procedure
mentioned above, which basically inserts an IV hooked up to a vacuum and sucks
out all of the floating liquid that should not be there.
Of course, I
was furious with my doctors for not at least telling me about this procedure
and offering to make it available. I had found an answer to a problem that was
literally threatening my life with five minutes of googling despite being in a
panicked state. I knew I needed the procedure right away. I was so miserable
that I set niceties aside and for the first time since becoming seriously ill,
I took matters into my own hands. The result was a great success.
I called my
doctor and told him that I was having trouble breathing and woke Robert up.
“Grab the keys,” I told him. “You’re driving me to the hospital.” Next, I
called my sister, Clare, and told her that she had to come over to watch
William. Clare can be as strong willed as I am, but she’s a good aunt who
adores her nephew, my son. Besides, when she heard the panic in my voice, she
knew things were serious. Within 30 minutes I was in the Emergency Room begging
for the tap and vacuum procedure. After what seemed like hours but was in
actuality more like 45 minutes, the doctors did an ultrasound and agreed with
me.
I think
everyone but myself was shocked when every bit of three liters of fluid was
sucked out of my guts! No one understood how bad the situation was as well as I
did. This was an incredible revelation to me that demonstrated once and for all
how wise my body actually is. I was amazed that actually I knew better than my
doctors how bad my swelling was, and I came to the realizations that 1) as a
chronically ill mother, you have to advocate loudly for yourself and 2) my
swelling could be controlled with proper gear (such as compression clothing)
and medical treatment. I never should have been allowed to get that swollen and
because of my vigilance in the desperate fight against this Edie Britt of my
world and my knowledge about how to control swelling, I have never been in that
situation again. I have been “tapped” since but have not been swollen to the
extent that I had a hard time breathing.
If you struggle
with swelling or any other chronic nuisance, don’t hesitate to take up your own
cause and seek out solutions and weapons in your fight. Often, you can purchase
helpful gear, practical things your doctor may never think of, on your own. Medication
has to be negotiated with your doctor. I currently take both Lasix and Bumex
because my swelling is extreme otherwise. If you struggle with swelling, don’t
let it slide out of control. Advocate loudly for yourself with your doctor
about different medication possibilities and if needed, medical procedures.
Take a minute
to consider your advocacy for yourself.
• Are you consistently advocating for
yourself?
• Are you talking with your doctor to
manage your daily struggles?
• Are you making yourself clear and taking
notes?
You can never
be too pushy when it comes to your own health. Especially when it comes to your
daily struggles. It is a compilation of these struggles that determine the
results of your long game.
Compression gear
What I did not
know before and know now is that fluid travels to the easiest places to travel.
For example, where the tissue is more accepting of extra fluid. For me, gravity
does nothing, my torso takes the brunt of my swelling. Unless I hit 20 pounds or
more of extra fluid, my ankles will never know it. So, what do I do? I live a
large portion of my life in compression gear, take my medication, and avoid
salt like the plague. In fact, I am obsessed with how much sodium I eat because
I know the consequences are dire. For you, it may be something else but once
you are aware of your triggers you have a lot more control over the situation.
Think about it:
• What are your triggers?
• What most dramatically effects your
daily struggles?
• Are you active in avoiding or managing
those triggers?
Another way I
work to manage swelling is compression gear. Compression gear is my best
friend. It is amazing how much difference a little support in the most
appropriate areas can literally change your life. Also, you do not have to
spend a fortune for good, beneficial compression gear. In resources below, I
will list some of my favorites. When using compression gear to manipulate your
swelling, be very aware of how you are feeling. For example, sometimes I wear
my compression pants and realize that my breathing is becoming difficult so I
have to take it off, take extra medication, and rest for a while. This is part
of being an active participant in your daily health management. Being aware of
your body and how it is reacting to what you eat, wear, and physically do makes
a tremendous difference. Ignoring these factor can have negative consequences.
As strange as
it sounds, I also have to make sure I don’t get dehydrated so I have to make
sure my urine stays clear – many factors that chronically ill mothers have to
deal with that healthy moms get to disregard. I am not saying motherhood in
general can’t be a struggle but this is simply another layer that contributes
to the daily struggle of a mother with chronic illness. It is like the search
for balance never ends.
Below are some
things to consider:
• Do you have a combat plan for your daily
struggles and challenges?
• Have you considered sitting down and
writing out a plan that allows you to accommodate your daily needs for maximum
health?
• Do other people know what those needs
are so that they can support you or do you manage your struggles in silence?
Remember your foundation
Do not apologize!
I have been so
swollen at times that I could not bend by knees which means that I am caring
approximately 25 pounds of fluid. My tendency is to ignore and continue on.
This is ridiculous and hazardous to my health. Also, when I do have to slow
down I find myself endlessly apologizing to everyone and this endlessly
frustrates my husband. He always reminds me that my number one goal is to be
healthy and I tend to brush that aside. I should listen. Apologizing for taking
time to rest, take my medicine, and pull fluid off of my body is the right and
healthy thing to do for my family. Learn from my mistakes and when you know
what you need to do to be at your best, do it!
Do what you can and be happy with it!
Again, and I
say that because it is something that I have to say again, and again to myself.
Do what you can and be happy with it! If you can run errands or do activities
with your baby, be happy. If you need to rest and do low energy centers because
you are, for example, swollen, do that and be happy with it. In reality, the
time you spend with your child is what is most important, not the energy level.
Make good time: Take
advantage of good days but don’t run into the ground!
When you are
feeling healthy, stick with you plan. Mine is compression gear and watching my
sodium in an obsessive way. Take advantage of those days that your plan works
but don’t run until you make yourself sick! Remember your resting time and your
maintenance routines. This will make everything better for your health and your
child long term.
Be honest!
When you need
some time to rest and take care of yourself, be honest and tell people. Cancel
appointments. Powering through the day only makes the next day worse. Taking
time to make sure you are as healthy as possible means having to actually admit
(as much as you hate to) that you need time to rest and that you are sick. That
is the most difficult thing for me. Saying I am sick. People used to think that
I wore compression gear as a style until I was forced to start being honest –
mostly with writing this book. And to be very honest, the hardest part of being
honest is being honest with yourself and not hating yourself for it. So, when
you swell or have whatever type of flare you may have, just be honest and give
yourself some time to get better and not worry about what other people think.
Accept support!
Despite the
amazing ways that compression gear can help control my swelling, sometime it
does get out of control and I simply have to get in bed. During these times it
is critical for William that I accept support and let him go on grandparents’
weekends, spend time with Robert, or at times I even call a babysitter. This is
just a realistic piece that ensures my health improves and William is safe and
happy. Don’t fight it, just accept the support as in the long run, it benefits
everyone. Scheduling around your battle to combat swelling or other issues that
you may have with your own illness is something that must be considered daily.
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