Excerpt from Courageous Parents (Dr. Haim Omer): Rules, Routine, and Structure

Excerpt from Courageous Parenting:

Rules, Routine and Structure

In a household characterized by a lack of rules, binding routine, or clear assignation of responsibilities, stopping deterioration in the parent-child relationship is very difficult. Parents and children alike find nothing to hold on to. How do you start creating order and structure when you are used to everything being vague and fluid? Many parents who followed our program were surprised to discover that order is a process that expands and spreads the moment you create a clear core that allows it to grow. It is like the formation of crystals in a liquid solution; sometimes, it suffices to introduce an initial crystallizing element for the liquid matter to start arranging itself, attaching, and forming a structure. Sometimes, the initial spark that sets the whole process in motion is the parents drawing a red line concerning one unacceptable behavior. The parents decide and announce the unacceptable behavior they are going to resist firmly. Following their announcement they act resolutely to carry out the first “no,” the constitutional “no” of their parenthood. Gradually, the parents become more and more able to live up to statements such as: “It is our house!” “In our house we sit down to meals together!” “In our house screens go off at 11 PM!”

For years the Levy family believed in spontaneity and freedom in child-rearing. The parents believed that each child is born with a core of unique selfhood, and that only under conditions of free growth, without restraints or demands, could that core develop optimally. The atmosphere at home was harmonious and positive. 

The difficulties appeared only with the third child, Ron, who from a young age showed a tendency to seclude himself from the family and spend all his free time in his room. His parents respected his tendencies and independence. Even when they noticed with pain that Ron preferred to stay alone and not join family gatherings, they stayed loyal to their principles and let him do as he wished. Ron also preferred to eat alone in front of the TV and started to miss more family meals. In adolescence, Ron started taking his food to his room. Further, Ron started to be late for school and sometimes preferred to stay home the whole day. His grades were declining. Getting ready for school in the morning got infinitely harder, and the mother, who was responsible for getting the children ready and  sending them off, felt overwhelmed and started screaming at them. Gradually, freedom started to look like anarchy. 

Following repeated complaints from school about Ron’s tardiness and absences, the parents decided it was time to take action. Under the guidance of the school psychologist, they decided to make a joint announcement to their three children. They gathered them all in the living room and informed them,“We have decided to change the household rules. From now on, no more eating in your rooms or in front of the TV. We are going to stand firmly against those habits. We are going to eat breakfast and dinner together at the table. To make sure everybody gets out of the house on time, breakfast will be ready and on the table by 7:15!” 

The parents surprised themselves when they made this decision. At first, it didn’t even sound like their own voices. The children were also skeptical. Before bed, the parents sat with Ron to prepare his school bag and clothes so everything would be ready in the morning. They got up half an hour earlier, made breakfast, and woke up the kids. The father’s involvement enabled Ron to get to the table on time, washed and dressed. It was the first family breakfast in a long time. Breakfast and getting out to school became the core activity of the new order, which gradually spread to other life areas. The parents felt strengthened and on the following days began enforcing the rule of no eating in bedrooms or in front of the TV. Ron’s isolation tendencies did not disappear, but he was no longer eating in his room or missing meals. He stopped cutting school. The parents still gave their children a lot of freedom, but they made sure personal space did not come at the expense of the family. Family meals became just as sacred as the principle of spontaneity.

Read more by and about Dr. Omer HERE.