Excerpt from Healing from Incest (Henderson and Emerton): On the Writing of This Book: An Unusual Collaboration
On the Writing of This Book: An Unusual Collaboration
During the final months of therapy with Seanne, more than ten years
ago, I shared the idea of this book with her. Back then, it was just a curious
“what if” sort of notion. I thought, “What if someone who could write and
who has thought about this recovery process were to collaborate with her
therapist on a book?” My initial thought was about how helpful it would
have been for me to have had the chance to read such a book. But there
was no way to start anything immediately, and it was clear that the idea
sounded a bit strange to Seanne though she always expressed support.
After the conclusion of my therapy with her, I moved away and became very involved in my professional career as well as moving on to another therapist. I did revisit the idea of a book from time to time and three or four years later began to write. I approached Seanne again about the possibility of our collaboration. The problem was that other than collaboration, I had no real sense of how this might work. What was obvious was that Seanne did not have the time or a clear sense of how the book would be written. I discovered she was reluctant, considering the past client/therapist relationship, but I was not interested in writing a book without her. I always said I didn’t want to write another “poor, miserable me” book that didn’t offer any hope of recovery.
I put my writing away and didn’t really touch it again for a number of years. About three years ago I returned to it when, after speaking with Seanne, I saw that she was more comfortable with the idea, primarily because more time had passed and she felt we were better positioned to manage this new kind of relationship. She had also consulted colleagues who felt this would be a very helpful project. This time, I was writing a completely different book than the one I had begun years before. We have worked especially hard for the last two years despite being separated by continents and oceans.
We began by using pseudonyms. This felt safe and freed us both to write in a way that was true and uninhibited. Toward the end of writing, Seanne and I both felt that hiding behind false names did not serve the purpose of this book. This book is about truth. It is about vulnerability. It is my story, and for the long while that I could not and would not claim it, I was paralyzed. Using my real name in writing this is one of the most difficult things I have done, and yet, I feel it is more than just important; it is what I am called to do. Incest creates immense shame in families, shame that is crippling, especially for the victim. On the other hand, coming into the light of truth has been liberating; it has brought me more peace and freedom than I had before. Seanne and I hope this book will help free others from their own prisons of shame and fear.
The telling of this story in an open, honest manner outweighs my need for the protection of confidentiality. I made that clear to Seanne. However, using our real names is not only a personal matter but also a family issue. While we have maintained the integrity of our story, I have disguised my family and their details. I am sensitive to the fact that this story is painful for them and not every member of the family knows it. I also realize this story may be painful for any reader. I strongly recommend that you seek help if you notice you are triggered while reading it.
There is no chronology attempted in the narratives; the first chapter is of my father’s funeral, years after my therapy with Seanne ended. Each chapter was written as daily incidents provided triggers to previous events. All names, except for ours, have been changed, as have places and details to give proper honor to people whose names are not important to the story.
A further note to readers: Had current laws been in place in the state of Nebraska, the law that now states uncategorically that the statute of limitations never runs out on sex offenders, I would not have sought therapy or told my story. I checked on this more than once before I began talking about my father. I was told that the statute of limitations had run out based on the laws at the time.
The format of our conversations is in plain text (my voice) and italics (Seanne’s voice). Resources are included as footnotes where they are relevant.
There were many ethical issues I had to consider as I approached the idea of writing this book with Geri. I was bound by my professional Code of Ethics not to enter into a dual relationship with a client until a amount of time after therapy. Aside from that, the truth is that it took me a long while (and many consultations with professionals, both legal and those in my professional field) to sort out how the writing of this book could actually be possible at all.
Because our therapeutic relationship needed to end due to Geri’s move abroad, her care needed to be transferred to a therapist in her new country of residence. Geri was indeed able to establish a good therapeutic relationship with a skilled psychologist in her new residence. She also utilized her extensive support network. Years passed, and she took a different teaching position at a university in another country.
It was some years after our therapeutic relationship ended that we began to casually communicate more frequently and resume discussions about her idea of the book. I was very busy during that time and did not have the ability to dedicate time to the project. I was also still ambivalent about doing it. I felt very uncomfortable thinking about commenting on the therapeutic process with a former client as well as contemplating the idea that these thoughts might one day be disclosed. Confidentiality defines the therapeutic relationship. Even though Geri, her mother, and other members of her family signed an informed consent to willingly disclose her story, it remains uncomfortable as a therapist to talk openly about a client relationship. The choice to use our real names was difficult for both of us, but we had numerous discussions in which Geri eventually convinced me it was necessary. It’s a story about facing issues of shame and vulnerability. Using our real names means neither one of us can hide.
The managing of a relationship with a client requires much discernment. I have not found it easy. We are not allowed dual relationships with clients (for good reason), yet we also cannot abandon a client. (This was especially challenging to manage when Geri moved abroad.) I’ve attended many ethics trainings over the years where the complexity of practicing therapy is always underscored. Therapists, by their very nature, are caring individuals and vulnerable to blurring boundaries because of that. Yet, if boundaries are blurred too much, the role of therapist is contaminated and the client harmed as a result.
We began writing seven years after therapy ended. Geri and I were able to seamlessly move into a relationship as colleagues in the writing process. We made good use of Skype. We scheduled regular writing times, and I soon began to look forward to the discipline of writing with Geri. It became apparent to me how important it was for Geri to tell her story, to offer some redeeming value from her trauma by helping others with this writing.
The process of writing was painful at times, yet also surprisingly energizing. Geri has a wonderful sense of humor, and we were able to approach it all with a certain degree of lightness. We became very comfortable in our honesty with each other. We both mindfully worked at not slipping into the old hierarchical relationship of me as therapist, Geri as client. We wrote as colleagues. This was challenging at times when the material was difficult. However, Geri consistently had her own therapist during our time of writing, and we both maintained boundaries that respected this work. The mission of the book, to help others through our own transparency, sustained our motivation.
We hope anyone who reads this story, whether you are an incest victim, a professional, a family member, a friend of a victim, a mother or father of the victim, or a person who just wants to help and better understand, will find hope, help, and empowerment. If you are one who has been abused, I hope this work strengthens you to get the help you need so the cycle of hurt, pain, and shame can end or at least be better managed. If you are a therapist, I hope my lessons learned will help you be clearer in your own work with victims and their families.
This is intended to be a book designed to increase awareness, not to be in and of itself a self-help book. Nor is this intended to be a psychotherapy training manual. I selected my course of treatment based on my training at Healing from Incest 23 the time which was in person/client-centered methods as well as in solution-focused and trauma-informed care. I was heavily influenced by the work of Christine Courtois, PhD, who wrote, Healing the Incest Wound, Adult Survivors in Therapy, (Norton, 1988.). Since then she has other publications on treating complex trauma, rooted in relationship and and evidence-based approaches. I am Level II trained in EMDR and also draw heavily upon trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy. My core training is in family systems, which informs all my work. This book does not represent all that occurred during therapy. It is designed to offer a glimpse into the life of a victim of incest and a snapshot of her (and my experience with her) in therapy at that time.
Geri is very much a survivor. She was living the life of a victim before her healing journey began. It seemed like a long road before she could see herself as a survivor and live her life as such. This is the story of that road, the twists and turns it took, and the hope she has found along the way.
Read more posts by and about Dr. Geri Henderson HERE.
Read more posts about Seanne Emerton HERE.
After the conclusion of my therapy with her, I moved away and became very involved in my professional career as well as moving on to another therapist. I did revisit the idea of a book from time to time and three or four years later began to write. I approached Seanne again about the possibility of our collaboration. The problem was that other than collaboration, I had no real sense of how this might work. What was obvious was that Seanne did not have the time or a clear sense of how the book would be written. I discovered she was reluctant, considering the past client/therapist relationship, but I was not interested in writing a book without her. I always said I didn’t want to write another “poor, miserable me” book that didn’t offer any hope of recovery.
I put my writing away and didn’t really touch it again for a number of years. About three years ago I returned to it when, after speaking with Seanne, I saw that she was more comfortable with the idea, primarily because more time had passed and she felt we were better positioned to manage this new kind of relationship. She had also consulted colleagues who felt this would be a very helpful project. This time, I was writing a completely different book than the one I had begun years before. We have worked especially hard for the last two years despite being separated by continents and oceans.
We began by using pseudonyms. This felt safe and freed us both to write in a way that was true and uninhibited. Toward the end of writing, Seanne and I both felt that hiding behind false names did not serve the purpose of this book. This book is about truth. It is about vulnerability. It is my story, and for the long while that I could not and would not claim it, I was paralyzed. Using my real name in writing this is one of the most difficult things I have done, and yet, I feel it is more than just important; it is what I am called to do. Incest creates immense shame in families, shame that is crippling, especially for the victim. On the other hand, coming into the light of truth has been liberating; it has brought me more peace and freedom than I had before. Seanne and I hope this book will help free others from their own prisons of shame and fear.
The telling of this story in an open, honest manner outweighs my need for the protection of confidentiality. I made that clear to Seanne. However, using our real names is not only a personal matter but also a family issue. While we have maintained the integrity of our story, I have disguised my family and their details. I am sensitive to the fact that this story is painful for them and not every member of the family knows it. I also realize this story may be painful for any reader. I strongly recommend that you seek help if you notice you are triggered while reading it.
There is no chronology attempted in the narratives; the first chapter is of my father’s funeral, years after my therapy with Seanne ended. Each chapter was written as daily incidents provided triggers to previous events. All names, except for ours, have been changed, as have places and details to give proper honor to people whose names are not important to the story.
A further note to readers: Had current laws been in place in the state of Nebraska, the law that now states uncategorically that the statute of limitations never runs out on sex offenders, I would not have sought therapy or told my story. I checked on this more than once before I began talking about my father. I was told that the statute of limitations had run out based on the laws at the time.
The format of our conversations is in plain text (my voice) and italics (Seanne’s voice). Resources are included as footnotes where they are relevant.
There were many ethical issues I had to consider as I approached the idea of writing this book with Geri. I was bound by my professional Code of Ethics not to enter into a dual relationship with a client until a amount of time after therapy. Aside from that, the truth is that it took me a long while (and many consultations with professionals, both legal and those in my professional field) to sort out how the writing of this book could actually be possible at all.
Because our therapeutic relationship needed to end due to Geri’s move abroad, her care needed to be transferred to a therapist in her new country of residence. Geri was indeed able to establish a good therapeutic relationship with a skilled psychologist in her new residence. She also utilized her extensive support network. Years passed, and she took a different teaching position at a university in another country.
It was some years after our therapeutic relationship ended that we began to casually communicate more frequently and resume discussions about her idea of the book. I was very busy during that time and did not have the ability to dedicate time to the project. I was also still ambivalent about doing it. I felt very uncomfortable thinking about commenting on the therapeutic process with a former client as well as contemplating the idea that these thoughts might one day be disclosed. Confidentiality defines the therapeutic relationship. Even though Geri, her mother, and other members of her family signed an informed consent to willingly disclose her story, it remains uncomfortable as a therapist to talk openly about a client relationship. The choice to use our real names was difficult for both of us, but we had numerous discussions in which Geri eventually convinced me it was necessary. It’s a story about facing issues of shame and vulnerability. Using our real names means neither one of us can hide.
The managing of a relationship with a client requires much discernment. I have not found it easy. We are not allowed dual relationships with clients (for good reason), yet we also cannot abandon a client. (This was especially challenging to manage when Geri moved abroad.) I’ve attended many ethics trainings over the years where the complexity of practicing therapy is always underscored. Therapists, by their very nature, are caring individuals and vulnerable to blurring boundaries because of that. Yet, if boundaries are blurred too much, the role of therapist is contaminated and the client harmed as a result.
We began writing seven years after therapy ended. Geri and I were able to seamlessly move into a relationship as colleagues in the writing process. We made good use of Skype. We scheduled regular writing times, and I soon began to look forward to the discipline of writing with Geri. It became apparent to me how important it was for Geri to tell her story, to offer some redeeming value from her trauma by helping others with this writing.
The process of writing was painful at times, yet also surprisingly energizing. Geri has a wonderful sense of humor, and we were able to approach it all with a certain degree of lightness. We became very comfortable in our honesty with each other. We both mindfully worked at not slipping into the old hierarchical relationship of me as therapist, Geri as client. We wrote as colleagues. This was challenging at times when the material was difficult. However, Geri consistently had her own therapist during our time of writing, and we both maintained boundaries that respected this work. The mission of the book, to help others through our own transparency, sustained our motivation.
We hope anyone who reads this story, whether you are an incest victim, a professional, a family member, a friend of a victim, a mother or father of the victim, or a person who just wants to help and better understand, will find hope, help, and empowerment. If you are one who has been abused, I hope this work strengthens you to get the help you need so the cycle of hurt, pain, and shame can end or at least be better managed. If you are a therapist, I hope my lessons learned will help you be clearer in your own work with victims and their families.
This is intended to be a book designed to increase awareness, not to be in and of itself a self-help book. Nor is this intended to be a psychotherapy training manual. I selected my course of treatment based on my training at Healing from Incest 23 the time which was in person/client-centered methods as well as in solution-focused and trauma-informed care. I was heavily influenced by the work of Christine Courtois, PhD, who wrote, Healing the Incest Wound, Adult Survivors in Therapy, (Norton, 1988.). Since then she has other publications on treating complex trauma, rooted in relationship and and evidence-based approaches. I am Level II trained in EMDR and also draw heavily upon trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy. My core training is in family systems, which informs all my work. This book does not represent all that occurred during therapy. It is designed to offer a glimpse into the life of a victim of incest and a snapshot of her (and my experience with her) in therapy at that time.
Geri is very much a survivor. She was living the life of a victim before her healing journey began. It seemed like a long road before she could see herself as a survivor and live her life as such. This is the story of that road, the twists and turns it took, and the hope she has found along the way.
- excerpted by Healing from Incest
Read more posts by and about Dr. Geri Henderson HERE.
Read more posts about Seanne Emerton HERE.
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