Excerpt from Clean Your Plate (Liz Bayardelle): Get Straight As
Chapter 2: Get Straight As
This
one has come out of the mouth of almost every parent ever. I’m sure cave parents
back in the stone ages groused to their kids about how little Ugg in the next
cave over brought down a bigger bison than they did and why can’t they practice
hunting more.
Once
your kid enters school, the obvious goal on everyone’s mind is getting good
grades. However, just like all of these sayings, the way you deliver the
message can make all the difference.
Why
We Say It
In
2011, Amy Chua came out with her extremely popular book Battle Hymn of the Tiger
Mother.[1] If for
some reason you spent that year hiding under a rock (or in the North Korea
style media blackout that accompanies the attempt to parent any child under
four), it’s basically a love letter to the strict discipline the author
accredits to a traditional Chinese upbringing. It includes rules such as kids
aren’t allowed to play any instruments other than the piano or the violin, they
aren’t allowed to not play the piano or the violin, they can’t have sleepovers,
and—you guessed it—they can’t get any grade other than an A.
Now,
coming from a self-admitted, grade-grubbing, academic fetishist, type A
personality (no pun intended), this didn’t sound so bad. Piano is a pretty
instrument, and I have an actual panic attack if I think about getting a B for
too long[2]
so Tiger Mom-ing sounded pretty okay to me.
And
then I became a parent.
To
say kids are complicated, hard-to-motivate creatures would be like saying the
moon is a bit too far away to walk there for the afternoon.
There
are many different types of kids. For example, my stepdaughter is insanely
intelligent but cannot be convinced, as my southern relatives would say, “with
two turkeys and a crowbar” to do something she doesn’t want to do. My younger daughter is curious about learning absolutely everything but
cannot hold still long enough to get to the fourth minute of an activity
without doing five other things at the same time. Who knows
what kind of crazy my son will end up being. (At the time of writing, he’s only
a few months old so I’ll give his persona some time to mature.)
What
I’m saying is, regardless of what Amy Chua says, engineering a system in which
kids get good grades is, in my humble opinion, way harder than just mandating
that they get straight A’s.
A Repetitive Disclaimer
You
would be hard-pressed to find parents who haven’t told their kids to try to get
straight A’s, or at least wished they would (while shame-eating failure donuts,
sitting huddled in the back of the closet on report card day). It's not that
unusual of a goal for a parent to have for their kids.
Now,
before I go off on a verbal rampage, I would like to emphatically reiterate
what I mentioned in the introduction: there's nothing wrong with the messages
behind any of these parent-isms. Every single statement mentioned in this book
is said with the best intentions by amazing parents around the globe. Again, there
is nothing wrong with wanting your child to get straight A's or do well in
school. However, there is a translational issue between the parental desires
that lead to the statement “get straight A's” and the way your child's brain
actually processes and reacts to it.
So,
why is it a bad idea to tell your kid to get straight A’s?
Research
Says (What They Hear)
There
are several equally important reasons why it’s not the best idea to have a
straight-A report card as your child’s only measure of success.
Reason #1: It Kills Intrinsic Motivation
The
first reason why telling (ordering) your kid to get straight A’s is that the
act of simply telling your kids to get good grades will not make them want it.
If
your first thought was “well, who cares if they want it?” you’re not alone. This
was my knee-jerk reaction as well. However, the answer is that you should care
if they want it but not for the reason you think.
I
truly don’t care if my kids are short-term happy that I force them to study,
practice piano, eat their vegetables, or any number of the behaviors we parents
try to instill in our children to keep them healthy and turn them into adults who
go to college and not to jail. I have zero percent concern for your
broccoli-induced-tantrums, you tiny hedonist. Eat your darn veggies! Pick up a
math book!
So,
if you shouldn’t care if your kid wants to get a straight-A report card out of
concern for their preferences, why should you care if they want it? There’s
one seriously important reason: research shows that humans are more motivated
to achieve a goal if they feel like they had a hand in choosing that goal.[3]
Basically,
there are two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. The difference
between the two makes all the difference in the world when it comes to how well
motivation is sustained in the long term.
Extrinsic Motivation: The Carrot and
the Stick
Extrinsic
motivation forms the basis of most “typical” parenting approaches: getting your
child to do something for someone else’s reasons rather than their own. Take
out the garbage, and I’ll give you your allowance. Get good grades, or I’ll
take away your phone. When you hear extrinsic motivation, think carrot and
stick.
Extrinsic
motivation isn’t just for kids, either. Do you know people who keep going to
miserable jobs they hate because they need the paycheck? Blame extrinsic
motivation. The desire isn’t coming from them but rather from an outside
promise of future benefits like the ability to pay rent without selling one's
blood on the dark web.
The
problem with extrinsic motivation is that it’s not very effective. Studies have shown that people who are given extrinsic rewards for tasks
actually perform worse on those tasks than those without external incentives.[4] Not only
does extrinsic motivation result in worse performance but also offering
external rewards for a task actually decreases the internal desire to do that
task from that point on.
You
read that right. If you offer your kid an external reward for doing something, your
kid will actually be less likely to repeat that behavior once the reward is
removed.[5] As you
learned in Chapter 1, this means that you can offer your kids $10 to clean
their rooms, but the act of giving them an external reward will decrease the
likelihood that they will ever clean their room of their own volition ever
again.
I’ll
pause for a second while you rethink every parenting decision you’ve ever made.
I
very nearly included a chapter called “do your reading” in this book for this
very reason. (I decided against it because there was too much overlap with this
chapter, but I still feel very strongly about the issue.) So, many parents
force kids to do a certain amount of reading every day. Schools regularly send
home mandatory reading logs. Heck, even my toddler’s preschool has an optional
reading log that, when completed, earns the kids a prize from a treasure chest
they have in the classroom.
Sounds
great, right? Because reading is important. Actually, this is dangerous because
of what you just learned about extrinsic rewards decreasing motivation.
If
you force a kid to read (or to get straight A’s) with threats of negative
ramifications if they don’t or promises of rewards if they do, you are sending
the subconscious message that they don’t actually want to perform that behavior
(i.e. reading, studying, etc.) because they need an external reward to get
going. This means that the second you take away the carrot (or the stick), they
will immediately desist in whatever behavior you were trying to create.
In
the case of my preschooler, I actually hide her reading log and fill it out
behind her back. She still gets the prize (because we read faithfully every
day), but, instead of having it be a box she is forced to check to get an
external reward for deigning to suffer through the activity, I actually have
tried to present reading as a reward. Instead of presenting reading as work,
I’ve gone full speed in the other direction. If she behaves badly, I threaten
to take away her nightly reading time. It’s literally the only threat she’s
never called me on. (Which, if you knew my toddler, you’d know is really saying
something.)
Now,
before you think I’m telling you to abandon your carefully arranged system of
parenting based on threats and bribery, I’m not. It would be impossible to
parent without using extrinsic motivation to some degree. These things do work—at
least, in some contexts.
Research
has shown that extrinsic motivation is fantastic for speeding up mundane,
routine tasks that take no creativity and simply have to be done. Think
assembly line workers or people stocking shelves at grocery stores. Statistics
show these tasks are done more quickly and better with an external reward, so
if your kid has to paint the house, deliver 100 flyers for a fundraiser, or
bake a few dozen cupcakes for a charity bake sale, feel free to rely on
extrinsic motivation to your heart’s content.
However,
for things that take focus, thought, or creativity, especially if they are
things that you want your kids to develop a desire to do by themselves, you’re
going to need to foster some good old-fashioned intrinsic motivation.
Intrinsic Motivation
Intrinsic
motivation is the desire to do something without any external reward
whatsoever. When you think of intrinsic motivation, think of your kid the first
week of any new activity, you know, the extracurricular honeymoon period in
which all they want to do is practice dribbling in their new soccer cleats, do
cartwheels in preparation for their next gymnastics class, or fool around on
the piano. That glorious period of time between when you first sign them up for
a new activity and when it starts to get old is the epitome of intrinsic
motivation. They don’t want to do it because you’re forcing them but simply
because they enjoy doing whatever it is they’re doing and are authentically
excited about it.
Having
intrinsically motivated children is the holy grail of parenting. If you could
create, bottle, and sell a way to induce intrinsic motivation, parents would
flock to your door and within a year your bank balance would make Jeff Bezos
and Bill Gates look like paupers.
Alas,
it couldn’t be that easy. Instead of a magic potion, we have to painstakingly
lay the groundwork for intrinsic motivation within our children one behavior,
one parental comment, and one sneaky parent maneuver (mom-neuver) at a time.
How
exactly does one do it? How do you get your kids to be shiny-new-toy levels of
excitement about things like reading, studying, and getting good grades? Glad
you asked.
Creating Intrinsic Motivation
The
psychological theory that talks about what makes humans do things is called
Self-Determination Theory (SDT).[6] Without
going into much psycho-babble, I boil it down to four factors which I’ll cover
in a minute. If these four factors are present, your kid is going to be
incredibly motivated to do something even without any tangible external reward.
The less of these four factors, the more your kids will need external prodding
to get stuff done. (A quick grammar note: I say less of these four
factors not fewer because they are all sliding scales. It’s not a
present-or-not, yes-or-no type of thing, but rather how much of each one there
is.)
Here
are the four factors and what they mean to your kiddos:
Autonomy: This one refers to the
degree to which your kid feels like they’re in control of their own life. If
you don’t believe this has an effect, try an experiment. Let your kids pick a
toy and time how long they play with it. Then, choose a toy for them and see
how long it holds their attention. You experienced parents out there probably
don’t even have to actually do the experiment because we know exactly how it
will play out. Basic SDT theory shows that adults are more motivated to do
things they choose to do, and apparently kids aren’t any different.
Competence: This is the measurement
for whether or not you feel like you’re good at what you’re doing. Everyone
knows it’s more fun to play a sport you’ve mastered than one in which you look
like a bumbling idiot. It’s more fulfilling to whip through a piano piece you
know like the back of your hand than to attempt one for the first time and have
it sound like a cat is being brutally murdered by a set of bagpipes. Self-determination
theory research confirms the self-evident fact that it’s way more motivating to
do something when you feel like you’re good at it.
Relatedness: This one speaks to the
social nature of the task at hand. If an activity brings us closer to other
humans we care about (whether it’s friends, family, or those we’re trying to
impress like colleagues or teachers), it’s more motivating than it would be as
an isolated task. This serves double for teenagers who are in their “friends
are all that matter in the world and parents should kindly stand a minimum of 15
feet away from me at all times thanks” phase, but it is true at all ages from
toddlers to grownups. As social beings, we’re more motivated to accomplish
tasks that tie us in with those who matter to us.
Purpose: This one wasn’t
actually included in the original SDT but was later added to the model.[7] Purpose
describes how much an activity relates to a higher goal or calling. For
example, kids might not be that motivated to do their biology homework just for
the sake of it, but if they’ve gotten it into their head that they want to be a
doctor someday, they’ll buckle down with those ganglions like they’re binge
watching their favorite television show because their brain has classified
their boring bio homework as a necessary step toward something they really
want.
So, How Does This Relate to Straight
A’s Exactly?
These
four factors related to the “don’t tell your kid to get straight A’s” thing
because the act of instructing your kid to get straight A’s violates each one
of the four necessary components of creating intrinsic motivation:
●
You’re dictating their goal by
telling them what they need to do, thereby depriving them of autonomy.
●
The fact that you have to tell
them means they probably aren’t getting A’s now so they probably feel less competent
due to your comments.
●
There is no social connection at
all inherent in the concept of straight A’s so relatedness isn’t being
generated.
●
Finally, straight A’s might be
the means to future greatness (a lucrative job, choice of college, or a number
of other amazing things in life that can only be attained with good grades),
but the simple order to get good grades does nothing to convey the connection
between A’s and any kind of future purpose.
So,
without intrinsic motivation, telling your kid to get straight A’s is going to
rely on extrinsic factors, like you bribing them to study or punishing them if
they don’t. As we discussed earlier in this chapter, not only is that almost
always unsuccessful, but also it actually lowers the likelihood that they’ll
desire to get good grades once you stop bribing them to do so.
So,
that’s reason number one why you shouldn’t tell your kids to get straight A’s. Simply
issuing an edict for a specific set of grades may cause them to begrudgingly
try a little harder, but it will squash any internal desire for good grades
from then onward.
Reason #2: It Creates a Fixed Mindset
The
second reason why telling your child to get straight A’s is a parental no-no is
that it focuses their attention on the wrong goal.
Yes,
technically having a piece of paper with a bunch of A’s on it is going to make
your child’s pathway to Harvard much smoother than a paper with B’s and C’s on
it, but it’s not going to do them a darn bit of good once they get there. It’ll
matter even less out in the real world.
For
you fellow grade-grubbers out there, I urge you to think of the class you
remember the most from either high school or college. I can almost guarantee it
wasn’t the one in which you got an easy A; it’s the ones in which you had to
work your hiney off and still barely managed a passing grade.
For
me, the college class I remember best was an upper-level course on
psycholinguistics. I somehow snuck in under the radar as an underclassman and
was thrown into this class with a genius professor and only two other students,
both of whom were seniors in the middle of writing their theses on various
facets of linguistics I couldn’t pronounce, not to mention understand. In the
second week, we discussed the semantics of a single sentence (“It snowed on
Baldy last night.”) for two and a half hours.[8]
I was in way over my head, but I was determined (read: stubborn as hell). I
went to every office hour the professor offered. I met for extra study sessions
with the two other students in the class. I seriously neglected my other
classes. In the end, I snuck by with a B-, but I can tell you I remember more
from that course than literally any other class I took in my four undergrad years.
This
is reason number two why it’s dangerous to tell kids they need to get straight
A’s: it focuses on the grade, not the learning. Once they get into college, no
one will care about their transcript. In fact, they can get an A on an exam and
not remember the material one bit the next day. That’s not uncommon. Think back
to a high school class in which you got an A. Do you remember anything? Me,
neither.
Although
we do want our kids to get good grades, it’ll actually be much more beneficial
to their long-term intelligence, learning, and success if we urge them to
understand the material. Tell them to screw the test, but make them debate to
you the merits of a democracy versus a republic. Help them make Spanish verb
charts until 3 a.m., make sure they know the difference between past perfect
and past imperfect, and then take them out for ice cream even if they get a C.
[continued in Clean Your Plate! by Liz Bayardelle]
[1]
Chua, A. (2011). Battle Hymn of the Tiger
Mother. London, England: Penguin Press.
[2] I wish this wasn’t a very true story.
[3] Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Self-determination
theory: Basic psychological needs in motivation, development, and wellness.
New York: Guilford Press.
[4]
Eliot, A. J., Dweck, C. S., & Yeager, D.S. (2005). Handbook of competence and motivation. New York: Guilford Press.
[5]
Deci, E.L, Koestner, R., Ryan, R.M. (1999) A meta-analytic review of
experiments examining the effects of extrinsic rewards on intrinsic motivation.
Psychology Bulletin, 125, 627–668.
[6]
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2012). Self-determination
theory. In P. A. M. Van Lange, A. W. Kruglanski, & E. T. Higgins
(Eds.), Handbook of theories of social psychology (pp. 416–436). Thousand
Oaks, CA: Sage Publications Ltd.
[7]
Graham, S., & Williams, C. (2009). An
attributional approach to motivation in school. In K. R. Wentzel & A.
Wigfield (Eds.), Handbook of motivation at school (S. 11–33). New York,
NY: Routledge.
[8] Yes, it was that exact sentence. Yes, I’ll probably remember it to my
dying day. No, I do not want to talk about it.
Read more posts about Liz and her books HERE.
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