An Excerpt from Harnessing the Power of Grief (Potter) for Those Grieving over the Holidays: Beginning to Adjust

 

The Christmas season has become a mixed set of emotions for us. My grandson was born Christmas Day 20 years ago -- extra annual joy! The brother of a young man we took for 6 years died Christmas eve this year of covid.

This is the first year that our family is observing the holidays without our patriarch, Carl, and Murjan, our beloved cat. So, for sure, grief has wrapped itself around our holiday activities.

Here, then, is an excerpt from Julie Potter's book, Harnessing the Power of Grief, that we have found insightful...

Beginning to adjust

You are not a stranger to this process. There are many times during your life when you have to adjust to and make your way in a new world: the first day of school, going away to college, getting a new job, marrying, moving to a new neighborhood, retiring and living in a new world with no colleagues and no 9-to-5 schedule, becoming ill or disabled at any age and living in a slower world with people surging on ahead of you, emigrating to a new country to start anew. The world you knew and were comfortable in no longer works. It may not even be there.

The behaviors that hindered your adjustment to other life changes may appear again during grief. On the other hand, the skills and behaviors that helped your adjustment to other life changes may be useful during grief. What did you do that helped you adjust? What hindered you?

You may have

reached out to others who were in the same boat;

hung on to the past for a long time;

withdrawn from others to get your bearings;

lost your self-confidence;

engaged in risky behaviors such as substance abuse;

asked for help from others who were further along the way than you;

learned as much as you could about how to adjust to your changed status;

taken breaks from your new situation;

made lots of mistakes as you adjusted to the new you;

took steps forward and took steps back;

experienced a multitude of various thoughts and feelings—negative and positive;

missed the past a little or a lot;

felt a sense of freedom in your new world; and

felt relief that you were in a new “place.”

 

You may do many of the same things as you adjust to the loss of your loved one. Be on the lookout for things that have hindered your adjustment in the past. These may pop up again.

 

Each day will bring new adjustments. For a time, each hour will bring new adjustments. There is a wide spectrum of adjustments, depending upon your relationship with the deceased: living with the silence that confirms your loss and engaging in activities without your loved one. Task 3 is a practical task in which you can do something to help yourself adjust. Talk to your loved one. She may be deceased but will continue to be a part of your world. If you ate together, sit in your loved one’s place so you don’t have to look at an empty chair. Same with sleeping. Sleep in her place or even in a different room for a while. Same with TV. Sit in her chair. Wear his sweater. Reach out to others for your normally shared recreational activities.

 

Also, do things that do not remind you of your loved one, things that only you enjoy. Search for things to do that only you enjoy. Mix it up, too: doing things that remind you of your loved one and doing things that do not remind you of your loved one.

 

Give yourself compliments and appreciation for your efforts. This is a good time to join a support group, where you can exchange ideas and share how you are thinking and feeling, how you are doing, what skills you are learning, and your successes and failures.

 

In facilitating bereavement support groups for widowed spouses, I learned to witness non-grief discussions that were important in working on Task 3—sharing ideas and experiences about traveling alone, cooking for one, and entertaining guests. There were meetings with lots of grief going on and meetings devoted primarily to new skills and new practical adjustments.

 

Beyond the beginning adjustment period, when the adjustment can keenly be felt, are life’s anniversary days. An anniversary is a recurring event, commemorating and/or celebrating a notable day. Anniversaries bring back memories, which may set you back into your grieving and you make you sad. Or they may show you how far you have come and give you a new appreciation for yourself. They may bring up feelings of happiness and gratitude. You may experience the presence of your loved one. As you adjust to a world without your loved one, anniversary days are important because they will reveal to you where you are.

 

There are three kinds of anniversaries of importance in grief: traditional anniversaries, anniversaries of the heart, and painful anniversaries. But really, every day is an anniversary of sorts, with its morning, noon, and night; its sun, clouds, and rain; its noise and silence; its people who are a part of that day and its people who are absent; its schedule of events such as meal times, nap times, times of leaving and times of returning. The mini-anniversaries are important, yet it is the big ones that can give you perspective and vision as to where you are, where you may need to go, and how far you have come. These recurring events bring into stark relief the absence of your loved one and the changes in your assumptive world.

 

Traditional anniversaries—the grand performance anniversaries—are the holidays, such as Christmas, Hanukkah, July 4, Memorial Day; and family/friend events such as birthdays, graduations, and wedding anniversaries. The community and/or your family prepare and celebrate. The expectation, and even pressure, is on everyone to join in, and, at least, to acknowledge the event.

 

The anniversaries of the heart are more private and perhaps remembered only by you as significant. I attended a wedding where people gave a blessing or advice to the bride and groom. One woman stood up and said that her marriage had its own special rituals and activities that were created over time and that all marriages have these unique events. She wished the couple well, and her hope for them was that they would enjoy creating these special repetitious moments. These are anniversaries of the heart that only you know about—little moments that were embedded in your relationship. In marital, friend, parental, and even collegial relationships, there are special rituals that are unique.

 

Anytime you experience a grief reminder that triggers a grief reaction, it may be an anniversary of the heart. For example, you walk by a local coffee shop and smell the coffee. Suddenly, you are transported back to special cups of coffee with your loved one. You see children playing and remember visits to the playground with your child. You go to a sports bar, and you remember those sports conversations with your buddy. What are the anniversaries of your heart?

 

Harnessing the Power of Grief won the Best Indie Book Award 2021 for Greiving and Bereavements.

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