Daily Excerpt: A Woman's Guide to Self-Nurturing (Romer): The Road to Self-Esteem

 

From A Woman's Guide to Self-Nurturing

The Road to Self-Esteem

What brings you happiness? Is it love? Is it meaningful work? Does a passionate interest meet that yearning that just has to be fulfilled? Chances are all of these needs are important, but there may be one hidden desire that never gets the attention it deserves. That need is self-esteem, the quiet, undemanding hankering to feel good about oneself. Certainly doing well in a job can bring self-esteem, but it may not be the kind we need, or it doesn’t last long enough before the next goal is put into place and we’re off again. Love comes closer, but again it has to be the right kind of love. Women’s love, as we know, is often focused outward, and that’s good—but for a true gain in self-esteem, women need to give love to themselves. This is not being selfish, it’s just being fair. We need to cherish ourselves in every way we can, if only so that our cup will be full enough to continue helping others.

The Parable of the Ten Virgins (Matt.10:25), like the story of Mary and Martha in the Bible, has puzzled people for centuries because it seems to smack of selfishness. In the parable, the wise virgins fill their lamps and, rather than sharing, admonish the foolish virgins to go out and find their own oil. This is troubling, until we consider what “oil” really is. To me, oil is that special substance composed of gratitude, love and gladness—gladness being the outcome of the first two. If gladness is an element of self-esteem, then we cannot really share it with others because it is unique to ourselves. What makes us especially glad may have no effect at all on another person. (It may be that gladness is the substance Jesus referred to when he told Martha her sister Mary had chosen “that good part” which could not be taken away from her.)

So metaphorically, self-esteem is a precious oil that can be nurtured and developed until it fills our whole being with gratitude, love and joy. The first step, and perhaps the hardest, is simply admitting that we want to do it. The second step is learning how to nurture our self-esteem in its most subtle manifestations.

What does self-nurturing entail? The art of self-nurturing encompasses a broad range of activities from the simplest to the most complex. In its most elementary form, it can refer merely to pleasures such as indulging in a bottle of perfume or buying a bouquet of flowers on our way home from work. On a more advanced level, self-nurturing can entail consciously expressing gratitude throughout the day for everything from the food on our table to a new job promotion. Making lists of items we are grateful for, along with recognizing activities that fill our soul with joy, can have a tremendous impact on our psyche. By acknowledging beauty, abundance and joy, we add them to our lives. A natural concomitant to gratitude is prayer, which then works to enhance our feelings of worth. Acknowledging God’s role in our lives is a powerful aid to self-esteem.

Activities associated with beauty, in particular, often replenish the soul, and we may find ourselves, if given half a chance, seeking out beauty in any way we can to feed that craving that lies within us. But, ultimately, it is not the content of the gift we give ourselves but the mere fact that we are doing it at all—we are taking the time to figure out what makes us happy and endeavoring, sometimes with difficulty, to provide that for ourselves. For women, this task might be harder than it seems. Accustomed to sacrificing on behalf of spouses, children, even bosses and friends, many women don’t analyze what it is that makes them happy. Women know exactly what their husbands and children delight in, but as for themselves—well, “give me a cup of tea and let me take my shoes off” is sometimes as far as it goes. But if, after removing our shoes and drinking our tea, we take it one step further and say, “Tomorrow I’m going to buy a brownie to go with my tea,” we are on the road to self-nurturing.

Gradually, as our efforts toward self-nurturing continue, we may begin to feel a rich abundance in our consciousness unlike anything we’ve ever experienced. This is joy, often accompanied by grace. We have opened the door to the healing of our self-esteem through the act of our own self-nurturing.

Read more posts about Joanna Romer and her books HERE.

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