Daily Excerpt: Awesome Couple Communication (Pickett): Always Exit with Words

 

Excerpt from Awesome Couple Communication

Always Exit with Words 

Martin and Tina cannot end arguments successfully. When he is finished and says all he needs to say, Tina keeps going and going like a peachy pink rabbit, marching and pounding a kettle drum. Martin claims she is crazy, driven to repeat herself. Tina describes the scene as Martin huffing and puffing and blowing out of the room without a word. She is left feeling abandoned and hopeless, so she follows him around the house like a little lost puppy; that way, at least, he will throw her a meaty bone of an answer. Tina feels unimportant to Martin. Rarely does the couple agree on when or how to end an argument. Worst of all for her, when he is finished and leaves, Tina doesn’t get the closure she needs.

Couples in conflict commonly differ in their sense of when an argument begins and when it is resolved. Realistically, since it takes two to tangle, it “ain’t” over until both people harmonize. There are individuals who have a way with words and enjoy conversations, even heated debates. Often, they pair up with less chatty spouses. This establishes an inevitable disparity in argument participation. The less talkative party feels overwhelmed by the rapid chatter of the other, resulting in an eagerness to disappear from the scene. Here are two strategies to handle disagreements effectively: 

1. Always exit with words. 

When you exit an argument without speaking, you increase the likelihood your departure will be interpreted incorrectly by your partner: you don’t care, you’re angry, you’re not coming back, and similar negative messages. Instead, use your words to convey your intentions and feelings when you depart the argument scene.

Think of it as writing and reading aloud your own “closed caption” for your partner. A statement like, “Look, I am fatigued and want to continue later,” is an example. Your intentions and feelings are clear; however, “continue later” is vague and unacceptable to the partner who needs closure and is on an argument roll, unwilling to stop. A plan for action is necessary as described below. 

2. Call a time-out/time-in. 

Choose a moment when life is relaxed. Explore your individual needs for resolution of disagreements. When do you feel that an argument is over and the issue resolved? Enter into an agreement together that when either needs to exit from an argument or debate, you are free to take an immediate break after setting up a plan to reconvene the conversation. For example: “I need time to calm down and think about this. Let’s take a break for now. Can we meet to continue our discussion at four o’clock tomorrow?” Keep in mind that to be successful, every “take-a-break” agreement must include a planned return to the discussion. Whoever calls the time-out takes responsibility for making sure the time-in happens by scheduling the return session and taking the initiative to seek out the other at the appropriate time. Remember, the break serves the one who needs to exit or feels finished. The return meets the needs of the one who wants to continue and reach resolution of the dispute. It takes two parties to communicate effectively. Also, without both parts of the plan, the plan fails. When couples utilize a time-out with a time-in plan, arguments will end in resolution. 

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