Cancer Diary: Life, Liberty, and Covid

 

Excerpt from the pre-publication manuscript:

Chapter 13

HOW DO WE USE OUR FREEDOM?

“The only real prison is fear,

and the only real freedom is freedom from fear.”

--Aung San Suu Kyi

 

·       When the lockdowns began in March 2020 to stop the spread of the Coronavirus, “to flatten the curve,” we were shocked at this drastic measure. It underlined the seriousness and deadliness of the pandemic. We imagined the shutdown opening after a brief time. My friends and I exchanged humor and cartoons to help us cope with the shock and avoid panic. (The joking has slowed, almost to a standstill.) One cartoon was prescient of a coming attitude and agenda shift. It was a cartoon of a smiling Jim Carrey saying, “Hope they allow us off lockdown by July 4^th…so we can celebrate our freedom.”

·       His humor carries a stinging truth. Disillusionment has set in on a national scale. The lockdown was eased, but COVID-19 cases rose and States are closing down businesses and gatherings again. We are mandated to keep social distance, avoid gatherings, and wear masks. All this goes against our grain as a gregarious people. We have no idea when this cycle of opening and closing our social interactions will end. This pandemic, called by scientists “the greatest health cri
sis in over a century,” is dynamic, ever changing. The ground beneath us will shift in many unexpected ways before this is over. Dr. Anthony Fauci, the CDC spokesperson, repeatedly says, “The virus will tell us.” We feel like slaves to the Coronavirus and want freedom. We feel sick and tired of this constant battle with COVID-19, which some may call "pandemic fatigue."

·        There is a noticeable shift in the national attitude. In the beginning, the recurring mantra was, “We are all in this together.” Now, many are taking sides. The debate about how to respond to the persistent pandemic became politicized as elections neared. Many are now asking, “Is the cure worse than the disease?” They point out how our economy and lifestyle are being devastated by the restrictions. Many jobs and businesses will never return. Many people will succumb to depression, substance abuse, and suicide. People of color protest that they are bearing an unfair proportion of the suffering. Some speculate that more will die from the shutdown than from the Coronavirus.

Further, the focus of the war, unfortunately, appears to be shifting. No longer is the Coronavirus advertised as our common enemy. Now we seem to be battling each other. The scientists keep warning us, “We have not seen the worst yet.” They advocate continuing the social distancing and mask-wearing. Others protest, “The worst is happening now with the destruction of our economy and way of life.” In this debate, that has become rancorous at times even to the point of dividing families, the mask has become a symbol of the divide. Those who wear masks say they are being socially responsible and accuse those who do not as being “selfish.” Those who refuse to wear masks say they are protesting their loss of freedom and call those who do “compliant lemmings.” The division appears along party lines. Democrats wear masks for civic duty, while Republicans refuse for the sake of independence.

I see an escalation of fear into near national paranoia in this contentious debate. We protest our loss of freedom, that precious gift protected by our Constitution. Vice President Pence expressed this clearly, “Freedom of speech and the right to peaceably assemble is enshrined in the Constitution of the United States. Even in the pandemic crisis, we do not forfeit that right.” What has shifted in our national psyche is the idea of the true enemy that deprives us of our freedom. Is it the Coronavirus, our government, or white privilege?

In this pandemic in which we mourn the loss of freedom to live our accustomed lives, some important questions arise: How do we use our freedom? What is the purpose and price of freedom? Wherein lies true freedom? How do we make responsible decisions?

PRISONERS OF WAR

Our Constitution promises to protect our “inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” We are feeling betrayed by our government, which has not lived up to its promises. In our war against the Coronavirus, we are losing many battles so far. We have lost our freedom to pursue our paths to happiness. The lives and routines we treasured before the pandemic have been taken away from us. Many of us have lost our health because of illness, and too many of our loved ones have died. Our economic prosperity is diminishing as many jobs and businesses are being lost. We feel like prisoners in our homes with the stay-at-home orders, the mandates against congregating, and the requirement to wear masks, which seems like the badge of a hostage to many.

The initial mantra in the war against the Coronavirus was, “We are all in this together.” As we become battle-weary, our sayings have changed to reflect our mood. Three haunting words express our suffering, “I can’t breathe!” Breath signifies life. We feel like we are losing our lives. The second mantra expresses our hope, “Our (Black) lives matter!” While feeling like prisoners of war, we cry from our hearts for freedom.

Who is to blame for our imprisonment? Who is holding us hostage? Who is depriving us of our freedom? There are several answers, depending on whom you talk to:

The Coronavirus

We led normal lives until the sudden attack of COVID-19 on the entire planet. Now, we are involved in a life and death world war. Scientists call this the worst health crisis in over a century. Presumably, they are referring to the Spanish flu, the last worst pandemic. At that time, an estimated 500 million people around the world were infected, a third of the global population, and 50 million died. Today, the Coronavirus is infecting millions of people around the world, and hundreds of thousands are dying. The numbers are mounting as the disease is surging in relentless waves of illness and death. Scientists are furiously trying to find a vaccine and treatment. Meanwhile, we feel helpless against the onslaughts of the disease.

The Government

Some people believe, “The pandemic is a hoax and will just go away on its own.” They say the numbers are inflated and not really as bad as some other illnesses, like cancer, malaria, heart disease, and AIDS/HIV. They insist the government’s cure is worse than the illness. Further, they suggest some conspiracy to make us afraid and gain control over our lives. For them, the government is holding us captive by unnecessarily restricting our lives. We are forbidden to congregate and do business. We have to stay home where we feel like prisoners. The government that is supposed to protect our freedom is taking it away. The result of their exercise of power over us is a shutting down of a once prosperous economy. We may be losing money and financial security that we can never recover. The casualty in this war is our livelihood, lifestyle, and freedom to pursue our happiness.

White Privilege

Demonstrations began in protest against police brutality and systemic racism after the death of George Floyd. As the pandemic unfolds, it is becoming obvious that people of color are suffering disproportionately from the Coronavirus. More people of color are getting sick, dying, and losing their jobs than white people. The protesters ask, “Why?” They blame white privilege for the unequal and unjust suffering. They point out that white people in our society have enjoyed an unfair advantage in every area of life: employment, income, health care, living conditions, and so forth. They recognize an unspoken caste system. Those on top fail to realize their advantages in power and opportunity and take it for granted. Those at the bottom resent that it has been an uneven playing field in the so-called “land of equal opportunity” where “all men are created equal.” True equality has never been achieved in practice, they say. People of color believe they are casualties of a long history of white privilege and mistreatment.

Fear

We see ourselves as prisoners of fear. We are terrified of losing our health, livelihood, lifestyle, and loved ones during this pandemic. One female patient of mine complained, “I live in a state of panic and can barely function. It began suddenly a few months ago. My daughter is a doctor and works with COVID-19 patients. I’m terrified of her getting sick and dying.” As we explored what triggered the panic attacks, it was clear the pandemic was the culprit. However, we realized that she had been anxious her whole life but never acknowledged it to herself. She kept running, keeping herself too busy and distracted from noticing. Now with the slowdown, she feels overwhelmed by her pent-up anxiety. Anxiety and fear can paralyze us, holding us hostage.

Hatred

The seven-year-old boy who said, “I hate this virus. I know I’m not supposed to hate anything, but I hate this virus.” In his youthful innocence and honesty, he is expressing what many of us feel. We are angry about all that we have lost and will lose because of the pandemic. Our sense of helplessness transforms into rage at the injustice of what we are suffering. “This should not be!” we protest. The protesters are acting out all our pent-up frustration at our inability to defeat the Coronavirus. We have developed our sciences to the point that we imagine ourselves masters of the earth. Yet, an invisible enemy is defeating us. We cannot overcome nature. So, we indulge our impotent rage against the government, protesters, and those who disagree with us. In the process, we become prisoners of hate. An AA saying expresses well the futility and harm of indulging our anger: “Nurturing anger is like consuming rat poison and expecting the rat to die.”

FREEDOM FIGHTERS

In this war, casualties cannot be avoided. However, in our ceaseless blaming of our misery on the pandemic, the government, and even our own reactions, we trap ourselves in a helpless victim role. Are we as powerless as we believe? Is our freedom lost? We can look to others who suffered imprisonment with courage and conviction to show us the way out. More accurately, they will show us the path through it. Several individuals from the twentieth century come to mind:

Martin Luther King, Jr.

He believed that only love, not hatred, can overcome hatred in the fight for civil rights. King was criticized for his nonviolent approach and was arrested and jailed several times. Yet, through all his hardships, he maintained a hope expressed in his famous Washington speech: “I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed—we hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal. I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.” (1)

Nelson Mandela

He fought to free the people of South Africa from their racism. His strategy was a tactical use of nonviolence and noncooperation. He knew that all are born free. He wrote, “I knew as well as I knew anything that the oppressor must be liberated just as surely as the oppressed. A man who takes away another man’s freedom is a prisoner of hatred….The oppressed and the oppressor alike are robbed of their humanity.” Mandela broke selected laws in urban areas and encouraged strikes throughout the country. He was arrested for conspiracy to overthrow the state and served 27 years in prison. Mandela refused to be a prisoner of hate. He had compassion for his persecutors and saw their essential goodness. He wrote: “I always knew that deep down in every human heart, there is mercy and generosity. No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.” (2)

Anne Frank

She was a prisoner hiding in an attic while the plague of Nazism swept across Europe. Because she was Jewish, she and her family lived in constant terror of being discovered and taken away to an extermination camp. She wrote in her diary that she saw herself and her family “surrounded by danger and darkness.” Yet, she did not hate those who sought to kill her and all the Jewish people. She did not despair. She continued to believe in humanity’s essential goodness. She wrote: “It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death.” (3)

The Dalai Lama

He was 24 years old when the Chinese brutally crushed the rebellion of the Tibetan people. He fled his country and sought refuge in India, where he now lives in exile. The Dalai Lama witnessed the violence against his people and the dismantling of their sacred places. He states repeatedly that he forgives the Chinese and that his greatest fear is that he could lose compassion for them. He recognizes that in their hatred they are suffering. The Dalai Lama explains the reason for his forgiveness: “If I develop bad feelings toward those who make me suffer, this will only destroy my own peace of mind. But if I forgive, my mind becomes calm. Now, concerning our struggle for freedom, if we do it without anger, without hatred, but with true forgiveness, we can carry that struggle even more effectively. Struggle with calm mind, with compassion.” (4)

Mahatma Gandhi

From a young age, he made a commitment to seek and live the Truth above all else. He said,

But one thing took deep root in me—the conviction that morality is the basis of things and that truth is the substance of all morality. Truth became my sole objective….Return good for evil became my guiding principle.” When he worked in South Africa, Gandhi was persecuted for being a person of color. He thought, “I began to think of my duty….The hardship to which I was subjected was superficial—only a symptom of the deep disease of colour prejudice. I should try, if possible, to root out the disease and suffer hardships in the process.” When he returned to his native India, he remained faithful to his pursuit of truth at all costs. He believed people by nature were peaceful, not violent. Consequently, he pursued a path of nonviolence, noncooperation, and peaceful resistance against unjust government practices. He finally triumphed in leading India to independence from Great Britain. Gandhi affirmed the power of nonviolent love, saying, “In a gentle way you can shake the world. (5)

Mother Mary

One of my favorite song groups is the Beatles. One of their songs I love most is “Let It Be.” The opening lyrics are captivating and timely:

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother
Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, “let it be.”
And in my hour of darkness, she is standing right
In front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, “let it be.”

Of course, the song is about Mary, the mother of Jesus, who is an inspiration to so many, and not just Catholics. She knew darkness and uncertainty but did not succumb to discouragement or hostility. She surrendered in accepting a mission that would lead her to uncharted territory as an unwed mother of the long-awaited Messiah. She answered the call: “Behold the handmaid of the Lord. Let it be done to me according to your word.”

The lives of these remarkable individuals reveal the qualities necessary for authentic freedom:

·        Have patience and compassion for yourself and others.

·        Maintain your innocence. Live your truth.

·        Believe in the essential goodness of all.

·        Be dedicated to the wellbeing of all, since we all are connected.

·        Commit to nonviolence.

·        Let passion for justice inflame you.

ESCAPE TO FREEDOM

Even in this pandemic war, we can maintain our freedom. We are born free with the ability to live a full life in the present moment. No circumstances can take that freedom away unless we relinquish our inner power and see ourselves as helpless victims. Marcus Aurelius reminds us of our power: “It’s time you realized that you have something in you more powerful and miraculous than the things that affect you and make you dance like a puppet….It’s all in how you perceive it. You’re in control.” (12: 19, 22) The greater power within is our consciousness that can rise above and penetrate all our difficult experiences. In religious terms, our higher consciousness is called the Holy Spirit, which is a Spirit of freedom. We are not puppets dancing on the strings of fate. We can free ourselves from all the above perceived imprisonments:

The Coronavirus cannot destroy the core of who we are. We may become sick in our bodies and even die, but that is not the end of us. We can take reasonable precautions to care for ourselves. If we become sick, we willingly participate in treatment. We also prepare ourselves for our inevitable deaths. Our challenge is to prepare for and find meaning in our deaths by living a worthwhile life now. Religion, for many of us, points the way to discovering a personal meaning. Viktor Frankl, a concentration camp survivor, famously stated, “Those who have a ‘why’ to live can bear with almost any ‘how.’”

All the government restrictions, even if we do not like them, do not deprive us of our freedom. Our choices may be limited, but our essential freedom remains intact. We can transform “have tos” into “want tos” if we make the effort to understand the purpose and intended outcomes of the restrictions. Physical distancing, hand washing, and mask wearing may be inconvenient and even obnoxious. However, if we can appreciate their value, we need not see their requirement as an imposition on our freedom. Our challenge is to discover for ourselves the value of the restricting mandates. If we decide to ignore them, we must foresee the consequences of taking a life.

Racial prejudice is systemic in America. From the beginning of our great nation there has been a racial divide. We are social beings and cannot keep from being influenced by our social atmosphere. We breathe in the distorted notions of race, choke on them, and may not even know it. However, with the power of awareness we can wake up to our biases and the harm we are bringing to ourselves and others. We do not have to be slaves to our prejudices, which diminish our lives and destroy our country.

Becoming prisoners of fear during these difficult times is not inevitable. We have a wise mind that can observe the flow of our fearful thoughts and disengage from them. We do not have to identify with those anxious reactions or be carried away by them. We are free to observe them, analyze the perceived danger, and learn from them. Our distressful thoughts and feelings are our teachers if we accept them and are open to listening to their message. As explained previously, our fears reveal what we desire excessively and are afraid of losing. In confronting our fears, we examine our values. We are free, then, to decide whether to let our fears or our values guide our lives.

No one can become a prisoner of hate unless we make a choice to let hatred control our lives. Anger, like anxiety, is a natural reaction that comes and goes. It persists if we invest ourselves in telling reinforcing stories of being innocent, wronged victims. Further, we do not have to act on any thought or feeling. We can learn self-control, but it may require much effort and discipline. As the lives of the remarkable people above show, we can experience horrifying circumstances and yet choose to be free of anger and hatred. We can choose to be loving and forgiving.

We exercise our freedom through our choices. There are several ways to use our freedom. We can be blindly compliant and follow the crowd of our convenience. We can be angrily defiant, resisting anything that does not fit our biased views. Or we can become detached, refuse to think about it, and follow our impulses. The fourth option is the road less travelled: to engage in a wise decision-making process.

WISE DECISION-MAKING

There is a price to be paid for freedom. It is a burden that many refuse to assume in these contentious times. We must take full responsibility for ourselves, make decisions, and bear the consequences of our decisions. There is no room for blame. We make choices without any guarantees that our decisions are right. We never know for sure if our choices will lead to the outcomes we desire. If we take full responsibility for ourselves, even failures become an opportunity for growth. The Tao Te Ching describes clearly the path to maturity:

Failure is an opportunity.

If you blame someone else,

there is no end to the blame.

Therefore, the Master

fulfills her own obligations

and corrects her own mistakes.

She does what she needs to do

and demands nothing of others. (79)

As individuals, as a nation, and as a world, we have to make complex decisions to live through the pandemic. There is much uncertainty and no clear, simple answers. We negotiate a minefield of dangers to find a relatively safe middle path. We seek to be safe, yet still live life. In this war against the Coronavirus, we cannot avoid casualties. No matter what we decide, whether to stay home or go out, whether to open or close the economy, there will be losses. We make choices with some trepidation, knowing the dangers and accepting outcomes with no guarantees of success.

For example, a woman with two teen-age sons wanted to plan her annual summer vacation. She said,

I’m not sure how to proceed. I’ve been on the computer trying to make reservations. I can’t get any clear answers about what will be open or closed. I’m not sure if it’s safer to fly or drive and stay at motels. I don’t want to be quarantined in a strange place. I don’t even know if the shutdown will allow us to leave. This vacation is important for our family. It’s the only vacation I have all year. I’m not sure it’s worth the risk to travel now, but I don’t want to stay home either.

Even as a society, we are a community of individuals called to make wise, not careless, decisions. The following are some elements of wise decision-making, the responsible exercise of freedom:

Keep an open mind

If we think we know it all, we will never learn anything. An open mind is needed to negotiate the uncertainties of our unprecedented situation. We are exposed to so much contradictory information. Our understanding about the surges and mutation of COVID-19 is changing daily. To make a wise decision, we must listen to all views before we make up our own minds. That may mean watching both Fox and CNN News, listening to Rush Limbaugh and Anderson Cooper, attending to both the police and the people of color, learning from both scientists and economists, respecting both the Democratic and Republican positions, and so forth.

Accept limits

The fearful mind wants guarantees. It wants to be all-knowing and all-powerful, like God. Of course, that is impossible, yet hard to accept. We also entertain a childlike wish to have it all, and have it now. Obviously, there are practical limits, such as finances and commitments. The novelty of the pandemic requires that we be humble in accepting so many other limits. We will never have all the information at hand to make an absolutely certain decision. We seek to know what we can and try to relax with uncertainty. When we finally make a decision after our due diligence, we know we will experience a necessary loss. Whatever path we choose, we lose the benefits of the path not chosen but gain the goods of the way taken.

Trust yourself

In these uncertain, danger-filled times, we long for someone to rescue us. It is a childhood wish for a “Magical Other” or a “Perfect Parent” that naturally emerges in overwhelming adversity. We entertain the fantasy that someone has the right answer. We may even for a moment imagine we have the absolute right answer. However, if we assume full responsibility for our own lives, we decide for ourselves. No one can decide for us. That requires that we bear the burden of freedom in trusting ourselves enough to make a choice.

Choose for the greatest good

We fantasize that we can arrive at the perfect decision in which all our desires will be fulfilled. All interests will be satisfied with no need to compromise. However, in reality we make choices between many conflicting interests and desires. We want both safety from COVID-19 and congregating with family and friends. Mature decision-making requires that we carefully weigh all the competing values, establish our own priorities, and decide. It requires prudence, a delicate balancing act. Others may choose differently according to their own agenda and criticize us for our choices. Disagreement is inevitable. Wisdom requires that we prioritize our values and choose the highest one in this particular situation.

Accept the consequences

We are driven to succeed and do not tolerate failure well. When we fail, our tendency is to blame others so we can maintain an image of perfection. When we make any decision, we try to project into the future to anticipate the likely outcome. However, the future is never known. Many variables beyond our control intervene to sidetrack our intended outcome. All actions have consequences, some correctly anticipated, but many not. Wise decision-making requires that we accept responsibility for the consequences of our decisions, intended or not. We admit our failures, learn from them, and make corrections. In making a decision, we empower ourselves and overcome the sense of being a helpless victim. Making a decision steadies us. We take hold of the rudder of our lives.

The qualities of wise decision-making also apply to the public arena. Democracy survives and thrives by open debate of all views. It dies with the suppression of freedom of speech. As responsible citizens, we all review the available information, as limited as it is, trust our judgment and make a thoughtful decision on issues and candidates. We review our values and priorities and strive to make our decision based on what we believe is best for America. It is important that we share our thoughtful, considered opinions with others in a respectful manner. Our opinion matters. It may influence others to think more deeply about the issues. The wisdom of all our heads together is needed to defeat COVID-19. Our preferred candidate may not be elected. Decisions on issues may not go our way, but we accept the results, move on, and continue to work for the greater good.

Let me suggest an exercise to help guide your perilous decision-making process.

PRACTICE: DISCERNMENT OF SPIRITS

Decision-making is so difficult because we hear so many competing voices, both outside and within us. Outside, many people present themselves as expert authorities with all the answers. They speak confidently that they possess the truth and others are in error. Unfortunately, the advice of these experts contradicts each other. Within, we hear a loud cacophony of voices. Some from childhood, others from society, and still others from our own competing desires. The anxious mind shouts, “Danger!” How are we to decide which voice to follow? How do we discern the voice or our wise mind, which is a sure guide for life?

Ignatius Loyola, the founder of the Jesuit religious order proposed an exercise to help his followers make wise decisions. (6) He believed that God is intimately involved in our lives and that doing God’s will is the only path to salvation and personal happiness. He further believed that we can know God’s will if we hunger for it and use our intelligence to know it. We might think of God’s will as the deepest desires that arise from our true Self. It is the voice of our wise mind, the Divine Spark within each of us. The following are the steps to the practice:

1.       Place yourself in the prayerful presence of God.

2.       Ask God for enlightenment that you may see clearly what He wants for you, how you can best serve Him.

3.       Have some important decision in mind that you bring to prayer. It could be some important life choice, for example, regarding a relationship, a job, or a move. It is helpful to write in a personal journal about any decisions to help sharpen your inner focus. Now, in your prayer reflect on your alternatives. Consider carefully the benefits and costs and the advantages and disadvantages of each for you.

4.       If clarity does not emerge after this initial consideration, think more deeply about what decision is more consistent with the movement of your own life history.

5.       Make a tentative decision and pray about it, asking God for confirmation. A sustained sense of inner peace will normally follow a wise decision although there may be anxiety attached to implementing the decision.

6.       If you do not achieve a sense of inner peace, repeat the process at a later date. You can use this process as often as you need until you feel at peace with your decision. Be patient with yourself. Take action when you are ready.

During the pandemic, we live with a great deal of uncertainty, and yet must make important decisions as individuals and as a nation. There are few clear answers, and no guarantees. No group possesses the whole truth. Each of us is challenged to bear the burden of freedom and make responsible choices for ourselves and our country. We should be confident that if we trust our wise minds and seek the greater good we will find a path of light, peace, and happiness through the current darkness.

Read more posts about Dr. Ortman and his books HErE.

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