Daily Excerpt: I Love My Kids, But I Don't Always Like Them (Bagdade) - "Carma's Story" from "Right-size Your Expectations"
Excerpt from I Love My Children, But I Don't Always Like Them
Carma’s Story
Every family has to figure out the
expectation game and how each child may respond to surprises, frustration, disappointment
and even too much excitement. As children grow up, and their behavior evolves, their
capacity to handle change and respond to unwelcome triggers may also vary, depending
on a number of factors. Every family must deal with this process.
The Greens came to me because their
daughter kept embarrassing them at family functions. Both parents had four siblings,
and everyone lived nearby, so they came together to enjoy a meal at least once a
week. Carma’s parents considered this a blessing, but their daughter wasn’t so appreciative.
As she turned 12, she often tried to get out of family events by crying and begging
to stay home alone.
I facilitated a parent-child meeting
with them (see Chapter 6). After some open-ended questions, Carma was able to verbalize
that she felt nervous being with large groups of people, especially among her aunts
and uncles. While well-meaning and loving, they couldn’t stop launching tons of
nonstop questions toward Carma, which made her anxious.
After speaking with Carma and her
parents and teachers, I suspected that she had difficulty processing auditory language
quickly. This made all the questioning from well-intentioned family feel like a
rapid-fire assault. With so much background noise at these large family functions,
she may not have been able to hear the questions being directed at her and would
struggle to comprehend them and process her thoughts into an age-appropriate answer.
To compensate, she would often answer, “I don’t know” to even simple questions,
such as “How’s soccer going this season?” This frustrated Carma’s family, especially
her grandparents, who thought she was being rude.
Children with invisible disabilities,
such as language disorders, ADHD, and anxiety often appear rude when they are actually
trying their best! I suggested to Carma’s parents that they work with their school
district to get Carma a full Speech and Language Evaluation (more about how to get
your child expert support in the Resources section.)
As I expected, Carma had a speech
and language disability. She was severely delayed in receptive language, which refers
to processing language as it comes in. No wonder she could not quickly come up with
sufficient answers to all the small talk!
According to the K-12 Teachers Alliance, while
learning disabilities are common, many myths are attached to them, which can be
detrimental to how these students socialize and are educated. When children have
a disability, their parents must navigate new territory. As educators, it’s our
responsibility to demystify these disabilities. So, when it came to Carma’s mom
and dad, I assured them from the start that her issues were absolutely not a result
of harmful or neglectful parenting.
Carma and her parents became educated
about her language disability, and she received some great speech and language therapy
to address it. However, she remained anxious about going to family functions. She
was not quite ready to share her diagnosis with her huge extended family and asked
her parents to keep it private. She wanted to enjoy these gatherings like her siblings
and cousins and was just as frustrated as her parents with her lack of ability to
do so. She wasn’t misbehaving when she had meltdowns before going to those family
dinners; she was simply communicating her fear and anxiety in the only way she could.
Eventually, with the new language
skills she acquired, Carma was able to have more comfortable conversations, but
she still became fatigued and “talked out” more quickly than your average 12-year-old
and she didn’t want to continue disappointing everyone. Her parents wanted to “right
size” their expectations as they supported their daughter to demonstrate age-appropriate
behavior by not letting her anxiety get in her own way.
Carma’s Family Dinner Plan
Here is the plan we came up with,
collaboratively and preventatively, for the Green’s next Sunday night family dinner,
which was hosted at Carma’s aunt’s house. It was typically quite noisy, and most
of the adults were asking many questions, which was expected. Carma’s parents even
reminded her of this.
Here’s what we decided we could
control: The Green family will be the first of the extended family to arrive. When
they are the only ones joining the hosts, the atmosphere is calm, warm, and inviting
and that becomes Carma’s first impression. She can enjoy playing with her cousins
with no competition for their attention and catch up with her aunt and uncle when
it’s just two families interacting.
Beginning the evening this way lessoned
Carma’s anxiety. The Greens and I clearly explained to her what was appropriate
and expected for someone her age in this situation. We even modeled some back-and-forth
conversation skills she could use when talking to adults by deliberately “right
sizing” our expectations to include Carma’s language deficits. She could have one
10-minute break away from people and three short breaks of two to five minutes,
but most of her time she should be with the family.
To help her take breaks without
being asked why she was leaving the room, she brought a school novel and said she
was doing homework. School is prioritized in her family and her parents thought
that no one would interrupt her if she said she was doing homework. They asked ahead
of time if she was able to use her aunt’s office to get a little work done so she
didn’t fall behind, and her aunt happily complied.
Carma was a bit nervous that evening
as they prepared to go for dinner, but her parents saw her confidence building as
she now knew how to please them and her extended family! They reported that the
night went beautifully. Carma focused on enjoying her little cousins, as we thought
this would help her avoid the parts that were not ideal for her limitations. On
the way home in the car, her parents, as instructed, immediately and specifically
praised her behavior and accomplishments. Carma seemed proud of herself and expressed
how much she enjoyed the experience and was even looking forward to the next family
dinner!
This book has earned the following recognition:
RECOMMENDED by US Review of Books
Review comments:
Sometimes children's behavior is more challenging than just the typical concerns. If that is happening in your home, this book will help you today! Franki is funny, relatable and she knows what she's talking about as a Teacher, Coach, Blogger and Mom! Highly recommend it.
-Sue Donnellan, Secrets to Parenting Without Giving a F^ck
When I was locked in my house with my family during the coronavirus quarantine, I relied on Franki Bagdade's advice, posts, and ideas to help us get through that challenging time. She always has the right perspective, tone and thought process to help me focus on doing what's best for my kids. To have it all in book form now as a reference guide is a real game-changer. I'll be sending it to every parent I know.
--Jennifer Wallace Canine, Assistant News Director, WDIV-TV
Franki Bagdade offers a wealth of knowledge and a calming resource for all parents. As a new mom with two young children, I am often looking for a positive role model to help me through the seasons of motherhood. Her wisdom, kindness and genuine spirit is what every parent needs!
--Sabra Ritter, Beautiful Chaos Blog
Franki helps readers fight their parenting battles by lending a helping hand and offering new tools to win daily parenting battles, while reminding us that even with her professional "superpowers" she is right there in the trenches with us.
--Katie Solomon, Mental Illness Research Association
"If you are looking for a real parenting book, with actual real life parenting advice, from a mom who has the ability to share her own personal & very real family life experiences, as if she is your friend, just chatting with you...then this is YOUR parenting book!"
Jozlyn Rocki - Host of Keeping Up With Chaos podcast, VoiceOver actor & mom of 3
As a parent of two kids and a psychologist, I have read MANY books on parenting. This one is by far the absolute BEST one. It is the perfect length, a pleasure to read, [and] a brilliant guide to parenting ALL types of children.... The gems of sage advice are absolutely invaluable. ... I feel incredibly grateful to have found this book!
Terri Bacow, Ph.D. author of Goodbye Anxiety
I Love My Kids but Don't Always Like Them helps parents who have challenging kids. Ideas on parenting to help improve a kids' behavior is invaluable. Sound, practical, wise, and often lifesaving for parents with extra challenged kiddos.
Bestselling Co-Authors of The Parent Compass, Cindy Muchnick, M.A. & Jenn Curtis, M.S.W..
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