Daily Excerpt: Healing from Incest (Henderson and Emerton) - Light at the End of the Tunnel
Today's excerpt comes from Healing from Incest (Henderosn & Emerton) -
Light at the End of
the Tunnel
Self-Assessment
I have a real hesitancy to believe that I can gauge where I
am emotionally with more accuracy than in the past. Still, I thought it might
be useful to try to explain what the headspace of a 60-something is like after
years of therapeutic work and figuring out how to live and how to have faith.
I’ve been able to live a number of years where dealing with one issue or
another from the past does not have to be a priority every day. At the same
time, I realize that a “Gold Star” is not going to be awarded for having
achieved perfection in all areas or having resolved all issues. I also know it
is dangerous to think that I will not have to deal with anything troubling
again. I understand that were I to continue in intense therapy, the things I
could or perhaps should deal with would be never-ending, but I suspect that
almost anyone, whatever the past experiences, might say the same. Until
recently I, along with the help of wonderful friends, have been able to ride
safely over the bumps in the road most of the time.
Again, this is high
emotional self-awareness on Geri’s part, as well as enhanced reality testing. Both
of these EQi (Emotional Quotient-Inventory) traits have grown in her since she
began her healing journey. It’s new for her to enjoy this deepened sense of
self-awareness and reality testing as she more effectively measures her
subjective experience against objective reality. This new ground is clearly an
outcome of the hard work she has done. She knows everything isn’t perfect (when
is it, ever, with any of us?), yet she recognizes a newly-found freedom in
herself as she has become increasingly symptom free.
When I am not in the midst of it, I know that depression,
when it comes, is not the beginning of a scary spiral that will automatically
lead all the way to suicide. I realize that taking medication is better than
feeling lousy or worse. I understand that I’ll probably always resent that. I
realize that my inner dialogue is loud and wrong most of the time even though
it seems completely true.
The power is in the
recognition that her inner voices aren’t always reality-based. This, coupled
with her core acceptance that depression is a frequent guest in her life, has
been huge in her ability to find a sense of peace from all the chaotic upheaval
of the abuse. She seems to find her center rather quickly these days, which
tells me she is managing the depression and it isn’t managing her.
Recently, I had a chance to ride another wave back into the
trough of depression. I can look back on it and say it was really no worse than
it ever has been. It still felt never-ending and very sad. As I looked into its
black depths, it was filled with despair, hopelessness, self-recrimination, and
all the other familiar feelings that seem so real. The “truth” of the inner
voices was the same believable message, “You’ve made a mess of things and
deserve to feel this way. Anything good you’ve tried to do has failed, etc.,
etc.” But the wave that seems to push me down also seems to bring me back to
the surface, gasping for air, grateful. The energy of waves is both down and up,
and knowing how to ride them and having the patience to expect the upsurge is a
skill I’m trying to learn.
Another metaphor that I’ve been repeatedly reminded of is
that of an onion with layers that seem to have no end. There is always another
issue, yet to be discovered, uncovered. That can be discouraging and ruin my
growing self-confidence. Sometimes, I have wondered if there were something
Biblical going on, the “pride goeth before a fall” kind of thing. I gain some
sense of security, and suddenly, for reasons I have to learn or find out later
sometimes, I am in emotional trouble yet again. That’s no fun, but it’s clear
to me that certain fears, uncertainties, despair, and frustrations that are
deep and old never go away completely. I guess it is unrealistic to expect
anything different. Childhood is important for learning about the world,
relationships, play, and a whole host of things. When most of a childhood is
missing, so are the pieces that make up a complete life. I don’t think about it
much, though, unless I am forced to try to peel back another layer. And, like
an onion, some layers bring tears. There comes a time when it is more important
to get well than to keep trying to avoid the pain. Where is the core, the
center? I don’t expect I’ll ever know. When things get completely unmanageable,
I go back to therapy.
Living without ever
really feeling her “core” is beyond frightening. It can shake her whole
foundation because her foundation feels weak to begin with. Yet, I find Geri’s
ability to accept what it is quite healthy. Because she has high sensitivity
and high emotional self-awareness, she is heightened in her sense of loss
regarding this issue. When I encouraged her to get more therapy (from another
provider, of course), she followed up on the recommendation without much
resistance. It is hard for her to accept that therapy seems to be an ongoing
part of her life. Yet, I celebrate that her efforts to get well and move
forward, rather than avoid the pain, have paid big dividends.
Self-Regard
There is a positive message that I always seem to be able to
believe and accept now and that is the recognition that I am a good teacher. I
have enjoyed some successes in my career and have numerous close, valued
connections with former students. I have learned to measure my teaching
abilities objectively and see the successes as real and consistent rather than
a sudden, good, great fortune that cannot be repeated. I recognize that I can
connect well with students and that this has helped establish a rapport in the
classroom that creates a positive and safe learning environment.
I am a good friend, sister, and aunt. I can accept that now
and rarely doubt it. I remember, though, that I used to be so very insecure
about my relationships! I wondered if people were angry with me when I didn’t
hear from them. I spent a great deal of energy worrying about what I had done,
how it might be perceived, and what people were thinking. Part of one’s ability
to let that go comes with age, I think, but the other part is learning to trust
that when people say they love you, they miss you, or they care, they really do
mean it. It makes sense now that I have the wonderful friends and relationships
I have because my friends are responding to the things they see in me. I can
see that they make choices I respect about other friends they have.
Geri’s self-regard has
dramatically increased as another outcome of her healing journey. She can
finally receive love and not just give it. This creates a beautiful ripple
effect because the people in her life are then drawn to her even more. There is
not a manipulative sense about her because she is more direct and assertive in
her communication. She gives/she receives, and she gives a lot. Yet, it is more
in balance, thus allowing a healthy
complementarity in her relationships. She used to give, give, give, and because
she didn’t feel worthy, she did not allow herself to receive. Or there was an
unrealistic expectation from her toward others that they should give as much as
she did, or it meant, somehow, that she was not valued, cared for, or truly
loved.
(You know, thoughts of equal reciprocation were rarely a
part of my thinking. I believed I wasn’t worthy of their friendship in the
first place. When I was disappointed, there was always a way I could make it my
fault, often ending up apologizing for something I perceived I’d done.)
BPD
The symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) that
disturbed, depressed, and paralyzed me for a time hardly ever bother me anymore.
I took an online test just now and scored 19 out of 33 for a “possible” BPD
diagnosis. I can see from the questions that I could have easily scored in the
“severe” category earlier.[1]
My friendships are stable, and I can count on them as surely as they can count
on me. I can usually control my thinking so that my thoughts don’t run too far
away from what my rational mind knows to be true. My mood swings have almost
completely subsided. However, when I saw the question about anger—sudden
outbursts of anger—I had to admit that yes, that has happened and just
recently. I hope I am learning to step back from those sorts of situations and
to remember that the person I might be talking to is really not the authority,
not the rule-maker.
The fact that BPD
symptoms no longer rule her life is an amazing and wonderful outcome for Geri. I
say amazing because it usually is very difficult for someone to deal
effectively with borderline personality characteristics. The anger she reports
seems justified, and I celebrate that she doesn’t stuff it as much as she used
to! She has grown her assertiveness skills which contributes greatly in helping
keep the borderline symptoms at bay. She is rarely aggressive and hardly ever
passive these days. True assertiveness requires practice, mindfulness, and
intention. I respect that she honors her own integrity to confront situations
that do not align with her values. Yet, she confronts in a direct, honest
manner, allowing others the respect of directly communicating back.
Sleep and Health
I have read so much about sleep, some of it required in the
course of therapy, so I know that my poor sleeping habits have been a huge
factor in my struggle with depression as well as uncontrolled negative
thoughts. I can report that I am aware now when I experience exhaustion and
make every effort to go to bed when that happens. Even more surprising to me is
that my evening routine has increasingly made going to bed and sleep a welcome
end to the day. There are many nights I find myself asleep until morning, 6-7
and even 8 hours of sleep at time. I no longer believe that sleep is a waste of
perfectly good work time. I recognize that I work better having had restful
sleep. Just this week I looked at my bed and thought, if I were sick, truly
sick, I could stay here for a few hours. Fortunately, I have hardly ever been
stay-in-bed sick any time of my life (except for migraines).
Geri has made
remarkable strides in the area of sleep. Her empowerment of self has allowed
her to be intentional with sleep, and she has come to value it more than ever
before. This helps her practice good sleep hygiene, facilitating deeper and
longer which is good preventative practice for managing depressive symptoms.
My general health is pretty good. I do exercise. I never
binge or have more than one drink and not that often. The best thing is that my
migraines have diminished greatly, and I have better ways of managing them when
they do show up. I realize my weight is an issue. I just have not wanted to
deal with it, no matter how important I know it is. Anyone who has tried to
lose weight knows this very well. If only I could be a body-less head!
Recently, I have had some success in weight loss.
Spirituality
Spiritually, I am much more settled with the ambiguities of
a human’s poor comprehension of what God does and allows. I feel comfortable
knowing that God is in control. That does not mean that I have to understand
what that looks like or how that affects others. I only have to understand what
that means for me. I am secure in my faith and trust in God, and it is
uncomplicated by precise theological dogma. I am more concerned that people of
faith practice what they believe—that they demonstrate kindness, charity, and
concern for the poor and weak of the world.
I am so grateful that
Geri has been able to find peace in her spiritual journey. As she has said
earlier in this book, a big part of her internal conflict when treatment began
was her inability to reconcile a loving God with her abusive experiences. It
was a long and slow journey for her to examine and deal with her spiritual
questions openly and honestly. It required her finding a member of clergy with
whom she felt safe and who not only was well trained to deal with the
complexities of her issues but who also embraced these complexities and didn’t
patronize her with simplistic answers.
Professionally, I have found that the things that most
academics value—research and publishing—are things I enjoy but are not things
that are as necessary as they once were. I used to be able to lose myself for a
whole day in a library, never thinking about physical needs, never needing more
than water to keep going. Given the right circumstances, I would be happy to do
that again, but I know now that I would not be satisfied with that forever. I
have come to realize that for me, rewarding work means work that has human
value in leaving things better than they were for people, making a
contribution. I don’t think this is particularly high-minded, altruistic,
idealistic, or unreasonable. I think that anyone who is really in touch with
themselves spiritually hopes to be able to look back on a life spent well,
doing good, improving the world in some way. Being the best teacher I can be
could be enough, I suppose, but somehow it is not. I have too many students for
whom attempts to pass my classes are just barriers to graduation. Perhaps this
book is one of the ways I can try to help.
Making some kind of
sense out of horrible situations and trauma is a vital key to healing. Geri is,
by nature, a giving person who wants to make a difference and leave the world a
better place. I celebrate her ability to manage her symptoms so that she can
truly do this. She has lived in many challenging situations in her professional
positions abroad that, even under the best of circumstances, require extra
skills to navigate. She has accomplished that and has flourished in her
environments. She has been able to invest herself completely in her work and
goes above and beyond to take on issues, often in less than receptive environments.
Her passion for making the world a better place is indeed high. Her suffering
would have been exacerbated by an inability to do what she is called to do.
When I was about 11, I used to fantasize about becoming a
nun. Wouldn’t that be nice, I used to think, to live in a safe place,
surrounded by praying, devoted women? While other girls were reading books
about dancers, scientists, nurses, and teachers, I was reading books about
nuns. I was fascinated by their lives and commitment. I thought that was
something I could do, too. But, obviously, my life has not turned out that way.
I have lived outside the presumed safety of the convent, dealing with everyday
issues, struggling with the boring and quotidian details that fill everyone’s
lives. One of those is sexuality. I hate to say it, but it is an important
issue for most people and a good thing, too, for most people. I’ve remained
single and celibate.
Another thing I used to think about was what it might be
like to have a healthy, intimate, sexual relationship with someone. Would it
ever be possible? Now, I don’t think about it at all. I enjoy my single life
and have close friendships, as well. I don’t feel as though I’ve missed out,
either, in not having children of my own or in not having a sexual relationship
with someone. As a matter of fact, I have become more and more introverted,
enjoying my alone time so much that I cannot imagine being happy sharing it
with anyone else on an ongoing basis. I realize I’ve become more exacting and
particular about my habits—the way I do things, the way I like things done—and
cannot imagine giving that up to change for anyone. But, I have never been in
love, either. Perhaps people in love willingly give up their privacy and
fussiness?
Geri’s ability to find
peace with her sexuality is another hard-won victory. Obviously, this is an
area that is difficult for incest survivors to reconcile. Many either become
overly promiscuous or shut down sexually. While Geri has experienced this full
continuum at times in her life, she has not denied the need to work on this
area and, as a result, has come to a place of acceptance and, in fact,
satisfaction with being single.
Because I have lived overseas most of my professional life,
people use words like “courageous,” “adventurous,” and so on with reference to
the life I lead. I don’t see it that way at all. I have gone where positions
have taken me, and the longer I have been abroad, the more relevance I have to
those positions than I do to positions in the US. I am not averse to moving
back to the US, but I need to work and cannot imagine not working. The chances
of finding work in the States diminish with each year I have been away.
My family’s pain over disclosure and my choice to let go of
anonymity for the sake of this book have brought new waves of shame and pain
for which I was unprepared. The idea of a completely honest and open book is
still very fresh, and I told Seanne that dealing with this new pain, the pain
and fear of my family, was like running barefoot on the beach, oblivious to the
broken glass hidden just beneath the surface. It is stupid to run barefoot over
broken glass, and it would be better to realize that no matter how much my mind
has changed, there will always be broken glass just beneath the surface. I must
learn to remember that and protect my feet, metaphorically, by being prepared
for the sharp shards that can suddenly cut without warning. Dealing with new
wounds always feels like a setback. Sometimes, it even feels as though these wounds
are just like the early ones, the ones that felt like they would never heal. I
want to believe regression or any other setback shouldn’t happen at this stage
of my life, but it does. Some wounds heal completely; they really do. For some,
I never will develop a thick enough skin to withstand a barefoot run in the
sand. And some of the broken glass is too sharp not to cut.
No, the beaches I run on are not completely safe, but my
protection is better. I know now my wounds will heal.
I went back into therapy with Gretchen because dealing with
the family issues brought up areas of hurt that were too difficult for me to
manage alone. I have alluded to the mode Gretchen is using to help me regain my
security. What is different this time, besides the therapist, her personality,
and methods, is that I am much more aware now of how I am working, and how I am
not working. Mostly, I try to work hard, but this stretch of beach feels
particularly laden with glass. A full description of this work is not possible
here because Gretchen’s voice is missing from this section as we are still
working together. However, I see progress, and I have hope.
So, what is this “light at the end of the tunnel?” It is the
light of survival, but more than that, it is the light of hope and healing, a
light that cannot be completely extinguished. I see the light as brighter and steadier
with each year. Though it disappears from time to time as the road curves
around one obstacle after another, it is always there, closer than before.
Finalist, Book of the Year Award
Book Excellence Award
For more posts about Geri and Seanne and their books, click HERE.
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