Daily Excerpt: How to Get Happy and Stay That Way (Romer) - How can we tell when true happiness is ours?

 

excerpt from How to Get Happy and Stay That Way (Romer) -

How Can We Tell When True Happiness Is Ours?

Knowing when we are happy may seem like a no-brainer, but actually it can be trickier than it sounds. What seems to be true happiness may be deceptive and turn out to be just a passing phase or, worse, the opposite of happiness. For example, have you ever spent hours, even days, planning an event, and it turns out to be something that sounded much better on paper than it actually was? In this case, it may be that whatever happiness was derived from the situation came from the planning process, and not the event itself. Now there’s nothing wrong with achieving satisfaction from producing an event—event planners will vouch for that! However, it’s important to know whether it’s the process or the result itself that makes us happy, so that we’re not disappointed.

But how about simple, everyday happiness, not associated with major projects—how can we accurately tell when happiness is upon us, and not some fleeting counterfeit? Cheryl Vassiliadis defined happiness as achieving “a state of inner warmth and contentment,” feelings that can often be brought about by doing things we like to do. In Cheryl’s case, that was usually dancing, or teaching others to dance: you yourself might find that “inner warmth” from gardening, or water skiing, or playing chess, or hiking in the woods and surrounding yourself with nature. The difference between this type of “inner warmth” happiness and the more fleeting “ego-oriented” happiness is that the inner warmth will stay with you; it has become part of your psyche. Ego-oriented happiness is here today and gone tomorrow, often leaving you wondering what all the fuss was about.

Here’s an example: a woman I know—we’ll call her Samantha—found herself attending numerous fund raising events with her husband, the Director of Development for a major museum in New York City. She was always going shopping for something to wear (that part was fun, she told me)—and then standing around for hours chatting up rich people. On one occasion, Samantha remembered wearing a particularly stunning dress and going to a beauty shop to get the red carpet look of the moment. She said she got lots of compliments that evening, particularly from a handsome gentleman who was one of the prime fund raising targets for the campaign. At the time her ego bubbled—she’d proved to herself how good she could look—but after the gala she felt…nothing. She had, after all, been merely an accessory; she’d done nothing of value except stand around and “look pretty.” She couldn’t even share her ego success with her husband, who would not necessarily be interested in another man’s admiration.

Samantha compares this to the real satisfaction and inner warmth derived from doing something she enjoys, which happens to be painting landscapes. No, she may never hang her work in a museum, despite her husband’s connections, but she doesn’t mind. “It is the things we do that bring lasting happiness,” she says, “not the compliments we receive.” Ego achievements, no matter how vibrant at the moment, will leave almost immediately, and often they will bring an emptiness that has to be filled in order to feel good again.

We do not have to achieve notoriety, monetary success, or even kudos in order to feel the inner warmth and contentment that Cheryl Vassiliadis describes. All we have to do is undertake something we love—that warmth will be there, as our reward.

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For more posts about Joanna and her books, click HERE.

For more posts about happiness, click HERE.

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