Daily Excerpt: Widow: How to Survive (and Thrive!) in Your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th Years (Romer) - Carving out a place for yourself

 

Today's book excerpt comes from Widow: How to Survive (and Thrive!) in Your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th Years by Joanna Romer.

Year Two
Carving Out a Place for Yourself

Nothing in my previous experience prepared me for being a widow, not my 40 years of job experience, ranging from Cosmopolitan Magazine to St. John’s University; not my 25 years of marriage to my beloved husband, Jack; not even my five years of worrying about Jack as he slowly become fatally ill. The widow experience is, as I’m sure you’ll agree, unprecedented.

We can’t sugarcoat being a widow. After a year of widowhood, you’ve probably figured that out. It’s hard, it’s a struggle, it’s not something that goes away like the flu. And, unless you get married again, you’re going to be a widow from now on.

Yet, believe it or not, you can get used to it. I feel pretty good about my widow status now, although it’s taken me awhile the reach that plateau---4 ½ years. The first year was a killer, wasn’t it? The depression, the pain, the uncertainty of who you are---sometimes it was just too much. But now that year is over, and you’re into Year Two, or maybe Three or Four. I’m not saying everything’s a cinch from here on in, but it does get easier. Some elements of your widowhood will still be difficult---holidays, for instance. But other aspects, such as coping with being alone, do become more comfortable. And, I can even say (with a bit of surprise) that I now relish my independence.

But I confess I wasn’t alone the whole time. That’s right, I had a man, off and on---I’ll get to that a little later. For now let’s just say that the second, third and fourth years of widowhood each bring their own particular challenges. Whereas you probably started the first year wondering if you could make it through the day---your mind a soupy mess, unable to think straight---by the second year you’ve probably conquered that challenge. Panic, pain and depression have given way to stress, boredom and anxiety about the future. (Yes, you may still have depression at times---hopefully not all the time.)

The secret to surviving Years Two, Three and Four is to know you can do it. After all, you made it through Year One; you have a track record. Some of the techniques of continuing on will be the same methods that got you through the first year---making lists, for instance. Others will be new, like refining your mission. Your mission for Year One was simply to keep going. Now you want more than that; you want to be happy.

The two rules for survival in the second, third and fourth year are, 1) learn how to love yourself, and 2) find yourself a purpose. Learning to love yourself as a widow can be hard because you may have some lingering guilt clouding your consciousness. Building a strong, loving relationship with yourself can guide you past many of the hurdles you’ll face as you move ahead with your life. As for finding a purpose, let it develop slowly. The more you appreciate yourself the happier you’ll become; let your purpose emerge as a by-product of your new-found happiness.

No, you probably won’t be jumping for joy six months into Year Two. Even though I’d begun seeing a new man in the second year, I missed my late husband Jack terribly. If you’ve begun a relationship with someone new you might be transferring feelings for your late husband onto that new person (we’ll deal with that in this book). There may be days when you’re still confused about who you are. You may take a job, decide it’s not for you and quit before your first paycheck. Don’t beat yourself up about that. It’s part of the complexity of widowhood---emerging from one lifestyle and beginning another.

If you can approach Years Two, Three and Four of widowhood with an eye toward carving out a place for yourself, building your self-worth and enhancing your autonomy, you’ll thrive---no matter how many men you see (or don’t see). Just focus on the prize---and the prize is you.

 GUIDELINES FOR CARVING OUT A PLACE FOR YOURSELF

1.    Give yourself a pep talk: you made it through Year One of widowhood---you can make it through Year Two!

2.    Continue using some of the techniques that got you through your first year, for example: making lists, shopping, going out to lunch, and being grateful.

3.    Appreciate yourself and everything you do.

4.    Think about developing a purpose, but let it emerge slowly, no rush.

5.    Don’t beat yourself up if you switch directions several times: start a job and quit after two weeks, cancel a date right after you make it, or change hairstyles every four weeks. Be tolerant!

 For more posts by and about Joanna and her books, click HERE.

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