Daily Excerpt: A Woman's Guide to Self-Nurturing (Romer) - What is self-nurturing?
Today's excerpt comes from A Woman's Guide to Self-Nurturing by Joanna Romer.
What is Self-Nurturing?
On
a tray in the middle of your bed sits a pretty teapot, milk and sugar, a
flowered teacup and, the piece de resistance, a frothy cream puff on a
matching flowered plate. No, you’re not sick, and there is no one invited to
this little tea party but you. You have gone out of your way to create a
tempting display of yummy food and fine china solely for the purpose of
pleasing yourself.
“A
waste of time,” I can hear you saying—but is it? Gazing at the tea tray and the
cream puff, some inner part of your being is unaccountably soothed. It is the
side of you that is, undeniably, female. Yes, men and women are equal, but
sometimes their needs differ. Even Sheryl Sandberg, author of Lean In,
the most feminist book in decades, declares, “…there are differences between
men and women both in their behavior and the way their behavior is perceived”
(Sandberg, p. 145). Sometimes women need… something extra.
“Yes,
I know all that, but I have to stay strong,” you say, eyeing that cream puff in
your mind—is your mouth actually watering just reading about it? Yes? Taking
care of yourself does not mean you are weak. We all need self-nurturing at
times, giving-in to that desire to be pleased,
praised and pampered.
The
problem is, perhaps due to circumstances we can’t control, we may not get that
needed pampering from loved ones. Maybe you’re a single woman in a strange
city, about to start a new job, and you don’t know a soul. Or perhaps you’ve
just gone through a nasty divorce, and you really want to be alone to recover
right now. Maybe, like me, you’re a widow of a year, or two, or three, and you
haven’t found anyone to take his place, nor are you even sure you want
to.
For
whatever reason, you find yourself alone on this Sunday afternoon, perhaps with
some paperwork that requires attention, but you’ve decided you need a special
treat first to build up your spirits. That’s called “self-nurturing,” and
though it may seem like a little thing in the greater scheme of life, it could
be a big thing to you right now because it makes you feel better about
yourself. You’ve done something to please yourself and it works; with that
first bite of the scrumptious cream puff, the inner tension we all carry with
us is dissipated, just a bit. You realize, happily, that you don’t need anyone
else around right now; you’re quite content by yourself, thank you.
Maybe
you’re a married woman whose husband is out of town for a while, and you’re
taking advantage of the time alone to get organized. Part of getting organized
is renewing your faith in yourself and your capabilities—when was the last time
you paid yourself a compliment? Maybe you and your significant other had an
argument and some hurtful words were said—you know he didn’t mean it, but you
still need a pick-me-up. Perhaps there’s been a death in the family, or your
son has lost his job—maybe a child is sick and there’s nothing you can do about
it.
These
are all reasons to undertake something extraordinarily nice for yourself. You
spend your days taking care of other people—most women do: you’re a wife, a
sister, a girlfriend, a mother, a grandmother, a teacher, a nurse, a problem
solver, a business woman (paid or unpaid, running a complex organization and
keeping it all together). You think you’re devoting time to your needs, but are
you? Getting your hair done once a month isn’t really enough; you need to do
some special thing to make yourself feel cherished as often as possible.
The
Bible tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, but most of us focus on the
neighbor part, ignoring the fact that if we don’t know how to give love to
ourselves, we probably won’t be too good at bestowing it on our neighbor
either. But to love ourselves effectively, we need to know what it is that
makes us happy. In the same way that giving your son a train set when he really
wants a video game won’t bring him joy, buying yourself cotton pajamas when you
really want a nylon nightie won’t do the trick. It all depends on our
individual soul’s craving—and only we know what that is. Or, if we don’t know,
it is our duty to ourselves to find out—any way we can.
And
so, our first task in learning the art of self-nurturing is to admit to
ourselves that we need it—not only need it, but are simply dying for some
pampering, praising, pleasing and all that other good stuff that’s so nice to
indulge in. The second step is to find out what actually pleases us—not our
mother or our best friend—just us. No two women are alike, and we need to dig
deep to tackle each of these challenges. So let’s start with Number One.
GUIDELINES
FOR DECIDING TO SELF-NURTURE
1. Make a list of little ways you could add
pleasure to your life, i.e.—“I could buy myself some flowers on the way home
from work.” If you’ve got more than
three items on your list, it’s time to self-nurture.
2. Take a walk in the
park, by the ocean or even on a city street, stopping to look at store windows
as much as you like. If you say to yourself, “I should do this more often,”
then you need to self-nurture.
3. Go out to lunch
someplace you feel comfortable, but don’t bring a book. (You can take a journal
and write down how you feel, however.) If you find this experience surprisingly
exhilarating, you can probably benefit from self-nurturing.
4. Give yourself the
afternoon off from your job or regular activities and go shopping. You don’t
have to buy much—just some little thing that pleases you. If it makes you feel
good about yourself, you’re ready for self-nurturing.
5. Make a list of
everything you are grateful for on this particular day. If the activity brings
a glow of well-being to your psyche, then you will enjoy self-nurturing.
If you answered “yes” to any one of the above, go on to the next chapter. If not—repeat the process!
For more posts on Joanna and her books, click HERE.
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