Guest Post from Dr. Dennis Ortman: Words Matter
WORDS MATTER
“If
I speak with human tongues and angelic as well,
but
do not have love,
I
am a noisy gong, a clanging symbol.”
--I
Corinthians 13: 1
My three brothers recently visited from afar. We spent a
week together crammed into my small apartment. We exhausted ourselves talking
about our lives and our favorite subjects--religion, psychology, and politics. I
daily used up my quota of words. Many family and friends avoid talking about
these subjects to avoid conflict. But we relish the give-and-take of debate.
Coincidentally, the Republican National Convention was televised each night. We
watched it diligently and exchanged views. Our convictions ranged across the
political spectrum. So our conversations were animated, our disagreements passionate.
However, at the end of the week, we learned something from each other and
parted friends.
Words matter. They have power. Our traditions attest to this
fact. For example, God created the world with His word. He began, “Let there be
light.” He ended, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.” Jesus, the Son of God, came as the Word made
flesh. He preached the words of eternal life. The Buddha, anticipating
contemporary cognitive psychology, taught, “We are what we think.” Our
thoughts, our internal dialogue, shape our identity. Even politicians admit,
“The pen is mightier than the sword.” All revolutions begin with an idea and
spread through impassioned speeches.
In our contemporary political scene, we remain a house
divided by slogans, misinformation, conspiracy theories, fake news, exaggerations,
generalizations, and name-calling. This abuse of language has corroded our
minds and hearts. We have lost our anchor in Truth. We are adrift in a sea of
confusion, not knowing how to find our way back to truth and civil discourse. Paranoia
has replaced trust in our relationships. As a consequence, our democracy, based
on liberty and justice for all and the free exchange of ideas, flounders on the
rocks of untruthful speech.
For authentic dialogue, of course, we need both skillful
listening and right speech. In this article, I would like to address the second
part of meaningful discourse, how to speak wisely and well. How do we speak
responsibly, in a way that builds us up, rather than tears us down?
Before we engage in any serious discussion, we may ask
ourselves, “Is what I want to say an improvement on silence?” Idle chatter
certainly distracts us. Our words matter. They have the power to change the
minds and hearts of both the speaker and the hearer. I propose that we ask
ourselves four questions before speaking: Is what I want to say true, good,
beneficial, and timely? These questions arise from the wisdom traditions of
both the East and the West.
IS IT TRUE?
Answering this first question can be challenging. We are
bombarded with facts from all directions: the internet, rumors, the media, our
friends, politicians, and so forth. We are pressured by various groups who want
to sell us their ideas, for their own agendas, often hidden. Who can we
believe? How do we sort through this barrage of information and misinformation?
The Buddha, twenty six hundred years ago, offered this piece
of advice: “Do not believe in what you had heard; do not believe in traditions
because they have been handed down for many generations; do not believe
anything because it is rumored and spoken by many; do not believe merely
because the written statement of some old sage is produced; do not believe in
conjectures; do not believe merely in the authority of your teachers and
elders. After observation and analysis, when it agrees with reason and it is
conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to
it.” (Kalamas Sutra) The Buddha cautioned
against blind faith. He advised us to be skeptical and learn to trust
ourselves.
This recommendation, of course, is not easy to follow. It
requires a willingness to investigate all possibilities with an open and
selfless mind. It demands humility and zeal for the truth. We must face our
doubts and grapple with uncertainty. Few of us are willing to engage in such an
enterprise. Nevertheless, the Buddha encourages us to pursue our highest
aspirations.
A second challenge is to avoid self-deception in pursuing
what is true. We are preoccupied with the dishonesty of others and being
deceived by them. However, the deceiver we must fear most is ourselves. If we
are honest with ourselves, we admit that many fixed ideas, habits of thinking,
and prejudices guide our thinking. We have many blind spots and biases. We are
not as open to inconvenient truths as we pretend.
In working with my patients, I never tell them what to
think. However, we examine together how they think. I invite them to be careful
observers of the flow of their thoughts and reactions. I tell them, “Your
thoughts are just clouds passing in the vast sky of your consciousness.” My
patients are often conflicted about some area of their lives, for example
whether or not to stay in a job or a marriage. When they come to a tentative
conclusion, I ask, “How did you arrive at that?” I encourage them to be a scientist
of their minds, observing, analyzing, and weighing all the pros and cons. I
add, “You will only be happy if you are true to yourself.” They ask, “How do I
get to know myself?” I explain, “There is no short-cut. You have to spend time
alone with yourself. You have to go inward and dig deeply. It’s the practice of
a lifetime.”
Barraged with so many facts and alternative facts, we can
feel overwhelmed. To cope, we may cling to some simple solution or give up the
effort of understanding, saying, “You can never really know anything for sure.”
However, I believe that we have a natural affinity for the real. We have a
built-in BS detector. We can innately know true from false. Our work is to engage
our wise minds for removing all the dirt of our illusions that keeps the light
of truth from shining through. Once we see ourselves clearly, we can discern
more accurately what others say.
IS IT GOOD?
The second question addresses our motivation in speaking. Not
only do we seek to tell the truth, but we speak the truth in love. Do we wish
to help or harm others? Is our goal to build up or tear down, to unite or
divide? Jesus stated, “Blessed are the pure of heart; they shall see God (the
Truth).”
Right speech requires a conversion of heart. We speak from a
heart of compassion, not anger. St. Paul explains the inner conversion
necessary: “See to it, then, that you put an end to lying: let everyone speak
the truth to his neighbor, for we are members of one another….Never let evil
talk pass your lips; say only the good things men need to hear, things that
will really help them….Get rid of all bitterness, all passion and anger, harsh
words, slander, and malice of every kind. In place of these, be kind to one
another, compassionate, and forgiving, just as God has forgiven you in Christ.”
(Ephesians 4: 25, 29, 31-32) If we speak from a compassionate heart, our goal
will always be to relieve suffering.
Speaking the truth with charity requires that we respect the
freedom and dignity of others. However, the odds of misunderstanding and
disagreement arising in our conversations are only one hundred percent. How do
we respond? It is essential that we separate the person from their opinions. We
may vehemently disagree with their ideas and forthrightly speak our truth. Yet
we always respect the person. We honor their freedom to have and express their
own points of view. Obviously, personal attacks, such as name-calling and
demeaning comments, have no place. These attacks diminish ourselves as much as
the recipient.
We often try to read people’s minds and discern their
motivations. For example, some patients involved in conflicts with others tell
me, “He is jealous of me, selfish, or angry because he is not getting what he
wants from me.” As I listen, Jesus’ words reverberate in my mind: “Why look at
the speck in your brother’s eye when you miss the plank in your own?” (Matthew
7: 3) I ask my patient, “How do you know what that other person is thinking?
How can you know their motives? We hardly know why we do what we do. It’s a
full time job to understand ourselves.” Then, we begin the laborious process of
deepening our self-awareness, unpeeling the onion of our hidden desires. All of
us are driven by passions, such as pride, envy, and greed, which escape our
attention. Our regular self-examinations expose our character defects that
prevent us from loving whole-heartedly. We spend a lifetime rooting out these
engrained faults.
Despite our many faults, I believe that our true nature is love.
Just as we are naturally truth-seeking, we have the seed of great love inside. We
are made in the image and likeness of God who is Truth and Love. We innately
know right from wrong. Our work is to cultivate those seeds, removing the weeds
of hatred and selfishness. Then, our love can flower. That love grows within
ourselves and spreads to others, who are another self. I often invite my
patients to ask themselves in making decisions, “How would someone who loves
himself act in this situation?”
Unfortunately, I see today that many of us sacrifice truth
for power. We spin what we say to influence others to do what we want them to
do. The craving for personal power and control only divides us. In contrast,
seeking the truth together unites us.
IS IT BENEFICIAL?
Our compassionate heart sensitizes us to the suffering of
others. It also guides us in finding a way to help relieve their suffering in the
way we speak to them. Of course, we are not so proud that we think we have all
the answers to the problems of the world and our neighbors. However, we may
have some insight that helps.
I want to meet people with kindness. I presume that everyone
I encounter is carrying a heavy burden, which is often hidden. Approaching
those who are troubled, as we all are, we can be helpful only if we give up
judging them. The Native American Code of Ethics states: “Be tolerant of those
who are lost on their path. Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem
from a lost soul. Pray that they will find guidance.” We may be the one who can
offer the guidance they need, if we speak the truth in love.
Most often, a kind, calm, and reasonable approach is most
effective. We offer comfort to the disturbed. However, there are times when,
like Jesus, we disturb the comfortable in our conversations. We do not flee
difficult conversations. If we are offended by others’ comments, we may need to
inform them of the impact of their words on us. If their language is abusive,
unjust, and prejudicial, we may feel compelled to speak up. Hateful language
poisons the speaker. Out of love, we want to alert them to the harm both to
themselves and others.
Speaking up directly may take us out of our comfort zone. We
naturally want to be loved and accepted. Confronting harmful language and
behavior may lead to us being rejected. It takes courage to bear witness to our
truth. We may even be required to use forceful language, as Jesus did in
casting the money changers out of the temple and challenging the scribes and
Pharisees. He even called them “a brood of vipers!” Such honest challenging can
only be done effectively with a pure heart, and not out of anger. Our love
enables us to see more clearly the goodness and potential in ourselves and
others. In our difficult confrontations, we invite others to be their best
selves.
Challenging conversations occur regularly in families
struggling with substance abuse. For example, John (fictitious name) came to
see me because he was so frustrated by his young adult son who abused alcohol
and marijuana. He complained, “He comes home drunk on weekends and disrupts the
house. He smokes marijuana in his room. He can’t keep a job. We’ve had so many
fights about this. I’m at my wits end and don’t know what to do.” We talked
about his conflicts in setting limits. He did not want to enable his son’s
irresponsible and disruptive behavior, but felt guilty telling him to leave.
“He’s so immature, I don’t believe he can survive on his own,” John bemoaned.
What is most beneficial for his son? There are no easy answers.
IS IT TIMELY?
Right speech flies on the wings of both compassion and
wisdom. “There is a time for every purpose under heaven,” Ecclesiastes reminds
us. Proper timing joins hands with the most appropriate place and the right
words. Wisdom discerns when, where, and how to speak the truth.
There are no clear, simple rules about the proper moment and
manner to speak up. However, Jesus offered some practical advice regarding
personal correction: “If your brother should commit some wrong against you, go
and point out his fault, but keep it between the two of you. If he listens to
you, you have won your brother over. If he does not listen, summon another, so
that every case may stand on the word of two or three witnesses. If he ignores
them, refer it to the church. If he ignores even the church, then treat him as
you would a Gentile or tax collector.” (Matthew 18: 15-17)
Jesus suggests a step-wise process of addressing offensive
behavior. If someone offends us, we meet them first face-to-face in private to
work out the differences. We speak directly and honestly of the impact of their
behavior on us. If they do not listen to us, we may enlist the help of others,
such as in a family intervention with an alcoholic. As a third step, when the
offense is serious, such as the case of physical or sexual abuse, the
authorities may need to be involved. The vulnerable deserve to be protected. We
speak up on their behalf. Separation from the community may be necessary for the
safety of all. It is not simply for punishment. We always hope for
rehabilitation. Forgiveness does not necessarily involve reconciliation if the
reunion is too painful for the offended person.
Furthermore, Jesus encouraged a sense of urgency to seek
reconciliation: “If you bring your gift to the altar and there recall that your
brother has anything against you, leave your gift at the altar, go first to be
reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Lose no
time….” (Matthew 5: 23-24)
Jesus discusses the case of our being the wrongdoer. He
advises that we not wait and let the offended party stew in his resentment.
There is a sense of urgency that we reconcile as quickly as possible. We must
avoid our natural tendency to procrastinate in admitting our faults and making
amends. Love demands that we say we are sorry. Asking forgiveness and
reconciling represent our true offering of praise to God.
Continuing John’s story, a critical moment arrived when his
son was arrested. He came home drunk one night and started a fight with his
brother. The police were called, and he was arrested for domestic violence.
John came to a decision, telling me, “Enough was enough! I told my son to move
out and that I would pay for an apartment for three months. I said, ‘You are
now on your own.’” Enraged, his son vowed never to speak to him again. John related,
“Of course, I still love my son. I’m waiting patiently for him to grow up.” He viewed
this separation as only a temporary interruption in their conversation. John
felt like the father in the Bible waiting for the return of his prodigal son.
Words matter. They can create or destroy worlds. The
irresponsible use of language these days is tearing apart the fabric of our
society. We lack confidence in our ability to discern true from false, right
from wrong. The only responsible speech, which is truly free, seeks to express
the truth in charity. As speakers, great demands are placed upon us to say only
what is truthful, beneficial, and useful. Such honesty invites listening with
openness and fruitful dialogue. Only through such sincere discourse can we
together create the society we long for, based on liberty and justice for all.
For more posts about Dennis and his many awawrd-winning books, click HERE.
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