Daily Excerpt: Depression Anonymous (Ortman) - Psychotic Depression
excerpt from Depression Anonymous (Dennis Ortman) --
PSYCHOTIC
DEPRESSION
Jennifer,
a suicidal woman with two children:
“I’ve
never been happy in my marriage. The only good thing that has come of it is my
two children. My husband is a drunk. When he drinks he becomes mean. When I
argue with him, he can become violent. I can’t believe I was so stupid to marry
someone just like my father. That depresses me. After fighting with my husband,
I often feel hopeless and trapped and fall into a deep depression. I’m
inconsolable at those times and just want to sleep. I have zero energy. I
literally can’t do anything. My sister has to come and take care of the
children when I get that way. I feel so guilty about that, but can’t help
myself.
One
time I became so depressed that I didn’t want to live anymore. I began making
plans about how I would kill myself. I didn’t want to leave my children with my
alcoholic husband, so I also thought about how I would kill them. I believed we
would all be better off dead. That was a crazy idea. I felt so desperate I
didn’t know what else to do. One day the news covered the story of a woman who
murdered her children. That shocking story woke me up. I realized how
delusional I had become. That motivated me finally to get help.”
In the depths of depression, you feel
dead inside. You begin to focus all the rage you feel at the unfairness of your
life on yourself. Violent thoughts preoccupy you, thoughts of turning all that
aggression against yourself. Of course, the most violent act is to kill
yourself. Such thinking can become delusional, out of touch with reality. You
imagine destroying the world by eliminating yourself. Thoughts of how sad
others would be at your demise fill your mind. In reality, you seek revenge
through your death. You fantasize transforming your miserable life into a
peaceful one through death. Your suicidal wish expresses a desperate desire for
instant self-transformation. It is a desire for a quick fix. But in reality,
suicide closes off the possibility of new life.
BOOK OF THE YEAR AWARD
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