Daily Excerpt: Depression Anonymous (Ortman) - Psychotic Depression

  


excerpt from Depression Anonymous (Dennis Ortman) -- 

PSYCHOTIC DEPRESSION

Jennifer, a suicidal woman with two children:

“I’ve never been happy in my marriage. The only good thing that has come of it is my two children. My husband is a drunk. When he drinks he becomes mean. When I argue with him, he can become violent. I can’t believe I was so stupid to marry someone just like my father. That depresses me. After fighting with my husband, I often feel hopeless and trapped and fall into a deep depression. I’m inconsolable at those times and just want to sleep. I have zero energy. I literally can’t do anything. My sister has to come and take care of the children when I get that way. I feel so guilty about that, but can’t help myself.

One time I became so depressed that I didn’t want to live anymore. I began making plans about how I would kill myself. I didn’t want to leave my children with my alcoholic husband, so I also thought about how I would kill them. I believed we would all be better off dead. That was a crazy idea. I felt so desperate I didn’t know what else to do. One day the news covered the story of a woman who murdered her children. That shocking story woke me up. I realized how delusional I had become. That motivated me finally to get help.”

In the depths of depression, you feel dead inside. You begin to focus all the rage you feel at the unfairness of your life on yourself. Violent thoughts preoccupy you, thoughts of turning all that aggression against yourself. Of course, the most violent act is to kill yourself. Such thinking can become delusional, out of touch with reality. You imagine destroying the world by eliminating yourself. Thoughts of how sad others would be at your demise fill your mind. In reality, you seek revenge through your death. You fantasize transforming your miserable life into a peaceful one through death. Your suicidal wish expresses a desperate desire for instant self-transformation. It is a desire for a quick fix. But in reality, suicide closes off the possibility of new life.


THIS BOOK WAS SELECTED AS A FINALIST FOR
BOOK OF THE YEAR AWARD
(FOREWORD REVIEWS)



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