Guest Post from Dr. Dennis Ortman, MSI Press Author: No Judgment
NO JUDGMENT
“Mercy
triumphs over judgment.”
--I
James 2: 13
“Love is a many-splendored thing,” the popular song celebrates.
Romantic love arises from the heart and expresses its beauty. St. Paul echoed
these sentiments when he described God-like love (agape): “Love is patient;
love is kind. Love is not jealous, it does not put on airs, it is not snobbish.
Love is never rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not prone to anger; neither
does it brood over injuries. Love does not rejoice in what is wrong but
rejoices with the truth. There is no limit to love’s forbearance, to its trust,
its hope, its power to endure. Love never fails….There are in the end three
things that last: faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love.” (I
Corinthians 13: 4-13) Love is such a profound, unspeakable mystery, that its
definitions often include what it is not.
Love is like a beautiful tapestry with many colorful
threads. These threads, carefully woven together, are the many virtues that comprise
love. The many-splendored facets of love shine through the beatitudes: poverty
of spirit, meekness, gentleness, hunger for holiness, purity of heart, mercy,
peacefulness, single-mindedness.
The Dalai Lama expressed the meaning of love in negative
terms and focused on one of its strands: “Love is the absence of judgment.” It
points indirectly to love’s positive quality: mercy. As an expression of love,
the refusal to judge forms its own rich moral tapestry that includes many
virtues. Also, its opposite, indulging in judgment, paints a dark picture.
While difficult to define, the experience of authentic love and its opposite
are easy to identify. One results in joy, the other in misery.
How can the darkness of judgment be overcome by light-giving
mercy?
DARK WEB
Jesus, who was meek and humble of heart, reserved his
harshest criticism for those who were self-righteous and judgmental. Some
scribes and Pharisees, the social powerbrokers, brought to Jesus a woman caught
in adultery. They reminded Jesus that the Law demanded that she be stoned and
asked him, “What do you think?” They wanted to trap and condemn him as a
law-breaker. Jesus simply wrote something on the ground and eventually said,
“Let the man among you who has no sin be the first to cast a stone at her.” Embarrassed
by the searing light of truth, the audience drifted away. Then, he asked the
woman, “Has no one condemned you? Nor do I. You may go. But from now on, avoid
this sin.” (John 8: 3-10)
Clearly, Jesus considered the greater sin, not the woman’s
adultery, but her accusers’ judgmental attitude. He invited them to take their
own moral inventory, and no one else’s. The surprising twist in the story
provokes the question: What makes being judgmental so offensive and
destructive?
St. Paul gives the answer in his letter to the Romans. He
wrote: “Every one of us will have to give an account of himself before God.
Therefore we must no longer pass judgment on one another.” (Romans 14: 12) When
we judge another, we make ourselves like God, the only Judge. We take on the
mantle of pride and power. Unfortunately, our judging often lacks the love God
lavishes so generously. Instead, vengeance takes over. St. Paul cautions:
“Beloved, do not avenge yourself; leave that to God’s wrath, for it is written,
“’Vengeance is mine; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” (Romans 12: 19) Our playing
God in judging others quickly degenerates into hateful vengeance, untempered by
mercy. We become judge, jury, prosecutor, and executioner of others. And we
place ourselves on trial.
Our judging creates a dark web with many entangling chains. As
St. Paul suggests, many vices make up that web. Most often, an aggrieved anger
drives our judgments about the world, others, and ourselves. That anger has
many tangled strands. Arrogance: “I know what’s right for you better than you.”
Self-righteousness: “I alone know what is right; what I value should guide your
life.” Hypocrisy: “Do as I say, not as I do.” Intolerance: “How dare you
disagree with me; you cannot want anything different from my desires.”
Impatience: “When will you ever learn what I know as right and true?” Blame: “You
are ruining the world by your wrong decisions.” Hatred: “I detest what you do
and who you are.” Vengeance: “You will pay for not doing what I want.”
Violence: “I am willing to force you to do the right thing.”
Many of my patients live under the tyranny of “the should.”
They are perfectionists who try to live up to impossible standards. They have
become their own harshest critics and feel depressed. Another name for
depression is “anger turned inward” or “low self-esteem.” Unresolved anger
eventually boomerangs inward. Without knowing it, these sufferers desire to
play God and be all knowing and all powerful. They want to be special. However,
their grandiose expectations are doomed to fail. By ignoring their ordinary
human frailty, they make themselves miserable. Furthermore, their harsh
self-judgment inevitably overflows into their relationships. They judge others
mercilessly, pushing them away. The result is that they are lonely and
isolated, living lives of quiet desperation.
There is a way to escape this dark web woven by our inner
critic. In therapy we examine each of the self-defeating strands of my
patients’ judging minds and hold them in the light of their wise minds. Judging
involves the ceaseless measuring of the worth of ourselves and others. The
standards of judgment need to be identified, explored and challenged. For
example, I ask my patients, “What do you expect of yourself? What do you expect
of others? Where did those grandiose ideas come from? What makes you think you
need to be so special? Are your expectations realistic? Is it worth the
emotional price to chase perfection? What keeps you from loving yourself as you
are, as an ordinary human being? Can you forgive yourself for not being
perfect?” I remind them that the path to disappointment and resentment is paved
by expectation.
It is only the “big ego” that wants to play God, judge the
world and be master of the universe. It seeks perfection that is only an idea
and imagines it to be reality. However, the ego, that seems so real, is only a
bundle of thoughts gathered from years of habitual thinking.
COLORFUL WEAVE
The opposite of judgment is mercy. While judgment tears us
apart, mercy builds us up. St. James points out, “Merciless is the judgment on
the man who has not shown mercy, but mercy triumphs over judgment.” (I James 2:
13) Mercy frees us for a fuller life.
Our judging is rooted in our pride, our desire to be like
God, the same desire that afflicted Adam and Eve in the garden. That is the
original sin. What is the antidote to pride? It is to take on the mind and
heart of Jesus Christ, best articulated by St. Paul in his famous hymn in
Philippians: “Though he was in the form of God, Jesus did not deem equality
with God something to be grasped at. Rather, he emptied himself and took the
form of a slave, being born in the likeness of men.” (2: 6-7) We will be free
to be merciful when we renounce our ego’s desire to play God. Only humility and
letting go will set us free to be our true selves.
In contrast to pride, which wants to create the world in its
own likeness, to suits its desires, humility embraces the truth of the world.
It accepts reality as it is, not as we wish it to be. It mimics Mary’s “Let it
be,” and Jesus’ “Your will be done.”It means accepting the reality of ourselves
and others as fallen and noble human beings, as both sinners and saints.
In contrast to the dark web of judgment that enslaves us,
mercy and forgiveness creates a colorful tapestry interwoven with many
uplifting qualities. In place of arrogance and self-righteousness, we become
meek and humble of heart. Hypocrisy hides in darkness. When we are merciful, we
let the light of who we are shine brightly. We tolerate and welcome those
different from us because we see their dignity and beauty. We appreciate how
their lives can enrich us. Aware that we are all flawed human beings, we can be
patient with the defects we experience in ourselves and others. Realistically,
it may take a lifetime of work towards correcting them. Instead of blaming
others for our problems, we take full responsibility for our own lives,
empowering ourselves. Compassion replaces hatred. Instead of cultivating vengeance
and violence, we embrace our enemies as friends, including our worst enemy,
ourselves.
St. Paul summarizes the shift from living in darkness to
living in the sunlight, exposing all the beauty of a life well-lived: “Get rid
of all bitterness, all passion and anger, harsh words, slander, and malice of
every kind. In place of these, be kind to one another, compassionate, and
mutually forgiving, just as God has forgiven you in Christ.” (Ephesians 4:
31-32) A new self is transformed and replaces the old.
Many of my patients have been deeply wounded.
Understandably, they bear grudges against those who have harmed them. Their
anger serves a purpose. It protects them from being overwhelmed by grief. It
also gives them a sense of power, when deep down they feel like helpless
victims. In therapy, we discuss the emotional price of clinging to their anger,
which is like a poison. We also examine the benefits and costs of seeing
themselves as victims in life.”You will only be free when you give up your
anger and face your pain. You heal by going through your pain, not avoiding it,
and becoming stronger,” I explain. And I add, “You release yourself from the
grip of your anger by forgiving from your heart.”
What webs we weave with our lives! We can create either the
colorful tapestry of mercy or the dark web of judgment. Our happiness depends
on the choice. However, there is no cheap grace in letting mercy overcome
judgment. The cost of giving up our judging entails nothing less than killing
our pride, our illusion of being special and powerful. The surprising reward is
a many-splendored thing called love.
Dr. Dennis Ortman is the author of Anger Anonymous, Anxiety Anonymous, Depression Anonymous, Being Catholic in Troubled Times, and Life, Liberty, and COVID-19.
For more posts by and about Dennis and his award-winning books, click HERE.
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