Excerpt from Soccer Is Fun without Parents (Jonas): The Passive-Aggressive Predator

The Passive-Aggressive Predator 

The urban dictionary defines Passive-Aggressive as: “A defense mechanism that allows people who aren’t comfortable being openly aggressive to get what they want under the guise of still trying to please others. They want their way, but they also want everyone to still like them” (Urban Dictionary, 2005). I merely added the noun of predator because it means: 1) an animal that naturally preys on others, “wolves are major predators of rodents,” or 2) a person or group that ruthlessly exploits others. Both definitions fit in this case.

The more talented the soccer team, the more problems they have with parents. Many of the select soccer teams report that they have a plethora of families that simply don’t pay to be in the club, and then come up with every excuse in the world not to pay their dues. It is typically the same families every year that say, “the check is in the mail,” but the money never seems to arrive. This type of behavior puts the coaches in an extremely awkward situation and is without a doubt very passive-aggressive. One select team from Ohio found a solution. Before the start of an important tournament, the coach handed out letters to each of the players. They were told to give them to their parents and return immediately to the bench. The letters contained the amount overdue to the club. If the account was balanced, the note simply said, “Your account is fine, and your son will be playing as usual today.” If the parents owed money, the letter simply read, “Your account is not in balance. You owe XYZ club $900, and your son will see the field when we see the money.” Show me the money!

A lot of what goes on with the parents is basically some sort of clever manipulation. I hate to break this to you, but coaches see through this type of behavior. Parents are constantly coming up to coaches and saying things like, “All the parents are really wondering when you’re going to start all the best players.” In other words, “I’m wondering why my kid, who’s obviously better than that other kid, isn’t playing all the time.” Passive-aggressive parents ask loads of questions like this. “Have you ever thought of this lineup? Have you ever thought of that lineup?” Of course, coaches try to do a good job of keeping those questions at bay. The other classic thing is for a parent to call a coach to ask about another player on the team. “I was just wondering if Jose is hurt because he just did not seem like himself today.” One coach indicated that he gets calls like this all the time. Or parents calling about rumors regarding another player or something else happening without saying a name. Typically, this is done to get their own son or daughter more playing time. “You know, I think that Timmy, the U-10 player, is really a king pin drug trafficker and doing methamphetamine all the time. This is OK with me, but do you think he should be playing mid-field? Maybe he is better on the defense?”

During a rather physical tournament in Cincinnati, Ohio, several U-16 players got into a bench-clearing pushing match. No punches were thrown, but a parent-manager for the out-of-town team ran onto the field to “protect” his son. (The key term here was PARENT-manager.) A player from the opposing team started yelling obscenities at the parent-manager, who promptly responded, “I am a devout Christian, G--d d---it, stop yelling your filthy mother-f------ obscenities at me!”

Most coaches say that they would rather have parents scream than be passive-aggressive in front of their children. At a Princeton youth soccer match (a small city in Wisconsin, not the University in New Jersey), the fans for one team were divided over their support of the current coach. Consequently, the two different sides sat by each other on the sidelines and spent the entire game shouting at each other instead of watching the game and supporting their kids.

In another instance, the parents were more united and decided collectively that they no longer supported the coach—even though he spent all his free time developing training plans, leading practice, sending out newsletters, meeting with kids after and before practice and so on. The parents would yell comments like, “Great job coach!” and, “Here comes the coach of the year!” in loud and sarcastic voices. Obviously, the coach and the kids could hear all this poor sportsmanship. However, on one occasion where the team was losing, the parents tossed insults about the coach’s physical appearance and yelled a number (.237). It took a while, but the coach finally realized that this was his winning percentage for his U-13 girls.

Some youth organizations try to address negative behavior of parents by promoting Silent Games where parents are forbidden from talking during the soccer match. They can clap, but are forbidden from verbally cheering anything positive or negative. Now we are back to the concept that parents should be seen, but not heard, at soccer matches.

The National Association of Intercollegiate Athletics (NAIA) has also taken steps to address negative behavior. The NAIA developed a program entitled Champions of Character. The following is a pledge said before NAIA games by student-athletes:

"As a student-athlete, I pledge to accept the Champions of Character five core values. I will do my best to represent my team, my teammates and myself while striving to have the Integrity to know and do what is right; Respect my opponent, the officials, my teammates, my coach, myself and the game; take Responsibility by embracing opportunities to contribute; exemplify Sportsmanship by bringing my best to all competitions and provide Servant Leadership where I serve the common good while striving to be a personal and team leader (NAIA website, no date)."

Soccer Is Fun without Parents has won the Bronze award from Readers' Favorite and is a 20129 Best Books finalist.

Soccer Is Fun without Parents is available online, at retail stores, via Kindle, and from msipress.com/shop. MSI Press webstore books receive a 25% discount with the coupon code FF25.

Read more posts by and about Dr. Peter Jonas HERE.