Excerpt from The Pandemic and Hope (Ortman): Alone with Ourselves

Alone with Ourselves 

In therapy sessions, I have been asking my patients how they are coping with the confinement, loneliness, and fear. Regarding their quarantine, I ask if they experience it more as a prison or retreat.

Almost all have told me that it feels mostly like a retreat. Perhaps my encouraging them to relax and observe themselves is paying some dividends. For example, one insight patient, commenting on the lock down, said, “If we allow fear to take over, we’re exchanging prisons and giving ourselves a life sentence.”

However, as the quarantine drags on for weeks, I suspect they may change their tunes.

Surprisingly, my most emotionally fragile patients struggle little with the virus fear. They do not sweat the big stuff, only the small stuff. For example, they may agonize for years about a rude comment.

My patients also complain about so much closeness with restless, bickering kids and bored partners that, they say jokingly, it will eventually lead to the doorsteps of the obstetrician, Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, the divorce attorney, or the undertaker (“We might kill each other!). They try to create some space for themselves.

Concerning loneliness, my patients admit missing their usual activities and socializing. Being alone with themselves is probably their greatest struggle. Many say, “I just feel so restless and bored.”

That is not surprising, when you think about it. Mother Teresa founded a religious order to serve “the poorest of the poor.” When she opened homes in India, everyone nodded. But when she opened residences in the United States, people scratched their heads. She explained that the United States is the loneliest country in the world. We rugged individualists, especially men, experience emotional and spiritual poverty. We are so busy chasing after possessions, money, status and success, competing with each other to be number one, that there is little time or energy to relax with ourselves. Consequently, we become estranged from ourselves, and our relationships remain superficial.

I tell my patients, “The antidote to loneliness is solitude. You cannot be any more intimate with another than you are with yourself. You can only make friends with yourself by spending time alone with yourself.”

If we enter deeply into the silence and solitude, we learn we are never alone because we are intimately connected with everyone and with the universe. After all, we are all part of nature, the web of life.

I continually invite my patients to stop and listen to the still voice within. And to take it seriously.

What emerges in the time alone for many of my patients is a profound sense of sadness and grief. The feelings can be overwhelming. They miss spending time with family and friends outside their immediate family. In solitude, we recognize how much we need each other, how much our happiness comes from being with those we love.

So, time alone can be an opportunity to appreciate what we take so much for granted. Of course, we miss our usual activities and become aware of how much we depend on being busy for our sense of well-being. We also miss critical life events shared together, such as Sunday and Easter church services.

One young patient of mine, a senior in high school, grieves the loss of prom and graduation. Another patient, whose mother contracted the virus, told me, “I feel so helpless and guilty not being able to be by her side when she needs me most.”

How many have suffered the deaths of their loved ones from COVID-19. They have not been able to be at their bedsides or gather for funeral services. Their loved ones died alone. Undoubtedly, there will be a residue of guilt and lack of closure.

During this crisis, we are living in the shadow of death. Each night the evening news confronts us with stark images of death, which make our fears go viral. It attacks our habitual denial of the reality of death. So much is being threatened: our physical health, routines, financial security, and way of life. We prefer to anesthetize ourselves by keeping busy and distracted.

However, therapy asks us to do something counter-intuitive, to sit alone with our fears. Chogyam Trungpa, a renowned Buddhist teacher, said, “Bravery is not being afraid of ourselves.”

It takes courage to be still and acknowledge to another everything that overflows from our agitated minds. For example, a middle-aged patient told me this week that he had an emotional breakdown and could not stop crying. He reported that he was reading a novel and suddenly felt overwhelmed by a nameless terror. I told him that it was a breakthrough of suppressed feelings, and not a breakdown. Together we sorted out the experience that terrified him. He said he was worried about dying from the virus and not doing all the things he planned. He thought about his legacy and did not know what it would be. His life seemed a meaningless waste. It takes courage to face our fears about threats to our health and well-being.

One of my patients contracted the virus. I learned how much we need courage especially when we are struck down by the illness. Death stares us directly in the face. My patient wrote: “All of the work we’ve done together, I think you’ve truly prepared me for the ability to battle this virus in the most effective manner…Do not panic!”

The most intense battle is the inner one, against our fears about the virus. During therapy, I accompany my patients on the terrible and wonderful journey of exploring the vastness of their minds. I tell them to lean into their fears and not avoid them. We then explore what they can teach us.
Joseph Campbell, an expert on myths, wrote, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” Entering the dark cave of fear, we discover what we are afraid of losing and hold on to too tightly. We learn, then, what we treasure, and further, can ask if it matches the largeness of our hearts. Jesus, another wise teacher, proclaimed in his Sermon on the Mount, “Where your treasure is, there is your heart.”

Purchase The Pandemic and Hope from the MSI Press webstore. at 25% discount by using the code, FF25.

Also available online and retail. Coming soon as an e-book.

Other books by Dr. Ortman:

    


Read more posts by and about Dr. Ortman and his books HERE.