Children's Fears: The Secret of Parental Space (shared by Dr. Haim Omer)


From "Children's Fears" -- 

Their bed, room, ears, body, time and leisure are not their own, but are often invaded by the child’s anxious reactions. A series of studies by Eli Lebowitz on our approach to parents of anxious children showed that when parents learn to restore and protect their personal boundaries, the child’s anxiety and distress diminish significantly. And what is not less important: The parents’ distress diminishes as well!


We all know that when the baby is born, the mother’s availability is virtually unlimited. Probably many babies “would like” to perpetuate this situation. Thus they protest loudly when the mother becomes gradually less available. Fortunately, mothers have needs of their own, reducing their readiness to service the baby unlimitedly. The renowned psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott coined the expression “good enough mother” to stress that mothers do not need to be perfect. On the contrary! If they were perfectly attuned and always sensitive to their child’s needs, the baby would probably not grow well. Babies need mothers who are not always immediately responsive. Therefore, even the mother’s headaches or menstrual pains may help the baby to develop. At those times the mother’s availability diminishes naturally, allowing the child to learn how to cope.


However, children with a predisposition to anxiety (probably an inborn tendency) put their parents’ boundaries to a test, demanding total protection against unpleasant experiences also as they grow up. These kids find it hard to sleep or stay on their own, or even to let other caregivers take the place of the parents. In those cases, the parents have to take special care of their own space, so as to withstand the child’s excessive neediness. In so doing they will actually be helping the child, as “parental accommodation” to the child’s demands and expectations badly aggravates the child’s symptoms and dysfunction. In order to protect their parental boundaries, they need to develop some skills and insights, which are crucial not only for the child’s wellbeing but also for their own. The following tips and principles may help them move in this direction.


Read the full post HERE.



For more posts by and about Dr. Omer and his book, click HERE.

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