Excerpt from Life, Liberty & Covid (Ortman): "Self-Compassion"
excerpt from Life, Liberty, & Covid-19
SELF-COMPASSION
When we blame others with such vehemence, it is a good
indication of a hidden, unacknowledged self-blame. We used to say as kids, “It
takes one to know one.” Another way of saying it, “If you spot it, you got it.”
That is called projection, as we discussed regarding prejudice. What we hate in
others is what we cannot tolerate in ourselves but disown. We get rid of what
we despise in ourselves by casting it onto others and then berate them for it.
There is only one way to escape the blame game. Beginning
with ourselves, we give up the harsh self-judgment. The first step in
self-compassion, forgiveness, is to become attuned to our own suffering, which
has several aspects:
Losses
During the pandemic, we suffer so many unavoidable losses.
Our lives have been turned upside down. Most tragically, family members may
have become infected and died. We could not be by their sides during their
sufferings because of the quarantine. To keep safe and prevent the spread of
the Coronavirus, we face many degrees of lockdown. At times, we have lived in
near isolation. In the best of times, we have guarded interactions with family,
friends, and others, keeping a safe distance and wearing face masks. We have
lost our freedom to live and move about as we please. Many of the social events
and activities that sustain us have been postponed. Our jobs have been cut
back, threatened, or lost. Our future is uncertain because we do not know the
course of this plague.
Imperfections
All of us try to cope with these losses the best we can. The
adjustment is made more difficult because we have been deprived of many of our
survival resources: restaurants, movies, shopping, travel, family celebrations,
church, and so forth. With all the restrictions, we experience both excessive
isolation from others and excessive togetherness with our families. This
situation is like a magnifying mirror that intensifies both our strengths and
weaknesses. Feeling depressed and anxious, we naturally focus on our
weaknesses. We complain to others that we are eating and drinking more, gaining
weight and possibly becoming alcoholic. We are more irritable and impatient
with our families. We are on edge, and everything bothers us. Perhaps, our
worries keep us awake at night. The list of exposed faults is endless if we
take a moral inventory in this trying time.
Decisions
Every day we make countless survival decisions. We are aware
that the health and wellbeing of our family and ourselves is at stake in our
choices. We know that the Coronavirus can be deadly, so we are watchful to
protect ourselves and our loved ones. That requires constant vigilance, which
is exhausting. We constantly ask ourselves if it is safe enough to go out to
various places, a store, a restaurant, a social gathering. We wonder what
precautions we need to take, whether to wear a mask or not, how many people
will be there, how conscientious they are about safety. We make continual risk
assessments, knowing that isolating too much can be just as deadly as exposing
ourselves to COVID-19. Each of us has different tolerances for risk in finding
the middle path between protecting ourselves and living life.
For example, one mother with two young children related to
me how she was agonizing about sending her children to school in the fall. She
said,
I don’t know how safe it will be. I would never forgive
myself if my children got sick. I know the state and the school district are
setting up criteria for a safe return to school. But who knows if that is
enough? Maybe a private school with fewer kids would be safer. My kids are
suffering staying at home. They are not learning like they should. And they are
separated from their friends. I just don’t know what to do.
Expectations
We are conscious of making all these choices in the shadow
of sickness and death. The stakes are high. We cannot afford to make a mistake.
The lives of our children, parents, and loved ones are at risk. We have great
expectations of ourselves to make the right decision every time, to live and
yet be safe. We try to be informed the best we can, but information about
safety precautions is confusing, contradictory, and uncertain. We live in
constant fear that we might infect someone we love. In the worst-case scenario,
if they die, we would never forgive ourselves. Our standards are high, and
perhaps unrealistic, because so much is beyond our control.
We may also expect that we will always be an emotional rock
for our families during this storm. We expect we will always be strong and a good
example for our children. Yet, we have our limits. We have our weaknesses,
which the pandemic exposes. There are times we feel overwhelmed by fear,
sadness, and a sense of helplessness. We may find ways of self-medicating that
shame us. In short, we live with all the ingredients for guilt, a sense of not
living up to our standards.
Our high standards plant seeds of moral perfectionism. We
aim high. If we miss the mark, we judge ourselves an utter failure. We see
ourselves as either saints or sinners, not the human beings we really are. In
negotiating the perilous decision-making to survive the pandemic, we will make
mistakes.
We have a choice when we make mistakes. We can condemn
ourselves for our inevitable failures or we can forgive ourselves. Each choice
has consequences. Self-condemnation leads to a bottomless downward spiral of
depression and possible suicide. Forgiveness, which means giving up the anger
and desire for revenge against ourselves, opens the door to healing and new
life. We acknowledge we are better than our harmful behavior and take action to
improve.
Read more posts about Dr. Dennis Ortman and his books HERE.
Read more posts on Covid-19 HERE and the pandemic HERE.Read more book excerpts HERE.
Read more posts on self-compassion HERE.
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