Daily Excerpt: He's a Porn Addict...Now What (Overbay and Shea): The Spiritual Questions - Should I Make Him Tell Our Pastor?
from He's a Porn Addict...Now What?
Should I
make him tell our pastor?
Tony, the mental health professional:
Remembering that ultimately you can’t “make” him do
anything, I feel that it is reasonable to ask him to confess to your pastor,
especially if he has truly been living a “double life” with regard to the
addiction. Many addicts attend church regularly, which can confuse a spouse.
“How can he worship God, or teach a Sunday School class, or hold any type of
church responsibility and be acting out?” These are hard questions to process
for the betrayed, but to the betrayer, this has been part of the shame cycle that
often keeps an addict turning back to the addiction.
Many addicts tell me that when they are in church, they are
trying to be “all in.” They often say that they truly do compartmentalize areas
of their lives, and when it comes to church, they often desperately cling to
the hope that while they are in their “spiritual compartment” they will feel
some hope. Often they are hoping that with enough spirituality they can
overcome the addiction.
Unfortunately, however, this actually can feed the
addiction. When they are not actively seeking treatment, attending church and
then relapsing afterward, whether it be the same day or within a week or a
month, regardless of the timeframe, this feeds into their “what’s wrong with
me” story. They often feel like even though they are going to church, and they
feel like that is the correct thing to do and they have spiritual experiences,
they must be extremely broken if they continue to turn back to pornography.
I believe that truly turning away from the addiction requires
confession to a pastor or other religious leader. However, and this is
extremely important, I believe that you need to feel love, or hope, from a
pastor in order for the confession to be beneficial. Too often untrained
pastors, even therapists, feel like they need to sprinkle a small amount, or
worst case a giant bucket full, of shame when the addict comes into their
office. This only feeds the addiction. It is imperative for the pastor to let
the person know that they are loved, that the pastor is glad they came in, and
that they are on the path to recovery together.
I recorded a podcast on this topic that I believe will help
both the betrayed and the betrayer on the effects of shame with addiction. I
would recommend that you go to my website, find the episode on The Bishop’s Strongest Tools to Help Addicts,
and listen. Tell your pastor that you would like for them to listen before they
meet with you.
I feel that it is important to share that I am an active
member in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The pornography
problem in my church is as rampant, if not moreso, than any other faith
community. I believe a lot of the reason why this is the case is because of the
shame that is felt in a faith community. Well-intentioned leaders often give
sermons on the dangers of pornography, which is true, but often those sermons
come with the warnings of what will happen to the addict, their marriage, their
relationship with their kids, and their relationship with God if they continue
in their addiction. Wives often turn to their husbands and say, “I better not
ever catch you doing that!” which leads to more seclusion and isolation with
the addiction.
My personal belief is that addictions come from a void in
one’s life. I find that when a person is not feeling connected to their
partner, their kids, their work, their health or their faith, they will often
turn to an addiction to numb themselves out of their discomfort. So, an addict
truly needs to find their
place in their faith community.
Josh, the former pornography addict:
I think you could suggest it, but I don’t think you should
make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. You’ll only create resentment that
way. If he behaves in a way you don’t agree with and makes choices you don’t
want to tolerate, there’s a series of choices you can make. Forcing him to fit
your mold will likely not work in the long run.
I would make the suggestion and then step back. I look back
at the series of priests that led the churches I belonged to years ago when I
lived with my parents, and there was only one I would have felt comfortable
enough talking to about this situation.
While most pastors do have experience talking to people in
stressful situations, they don’t have the kind of training a therapist would
have in dealing with this kind of problem. If you’re looking for your partner
to have somebody to talk with, that’s a fair goal. If you’re hoping the
preacher can say something that will fix the problem, there’s nobody who can do
that except your partner himself.
I was not actively religious at the end of my struggles with
addiction, and while I have gone a long way to defining my spirituality as part
of my recovery, the church has not played an active role in most of my story.
I think an individual’s relationship with God is more
important than where they sit for an hour on Sundays, although I absolutely
respect your right to disagree. However, as with everything else around
recovery, this is largely going to come down to your partner deciding what’s
right for him.
You should not compromise your religious and spiritual
beliefs for him, but he should also not have to compromise his for you. I think
it’s perfectly fine to suggest he look to God or speak to your pastor, but if
he doesn’t want to, there really isn’t any way to make him.
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Read more posts about Tony and Josh and their book HERE.
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