Daily Excerpt: Recovering from Domestic Violence, Abuse and Stalking (Romer) - Recovering from Domestic Violence, Abuse, and Stalking
Excerpt from Recovering from Domestic Violence, Abuse, and Stalking by Joanna Romer -
My Experience: Lauretta
Avina
“I’m a huge believer in
counseling, and I never used to be.”
When Lauretta Avina heard that her sister had
been murdered by her boyfriend, she couldn’t believe it at first. “I felt
disbelief,” she said. “I managed to walk next door to my neighbor’s house. I
told him, ‘My sister’s dead!’”
Lauretta said her sister, Franca Bars, who was
38 at the time of her death in 2006, had been going with her boyfriend David on
and off for seven years.
“I only met him once,” Lauretta told me. “He
had an angry look. That was two months before the murder.”
Despite the angry look, Lauretta said she would
never have imagined David capable of murder. “My sister’s exact words were ‘He
would never hurt me,’” Lauretta said. “A friend said later he was abusing her.
I kick myself in the butt—why didn’t I question her? But my husband had been in
Iraq and came home injured; I was a single mom.”
She explained that her hands had been full with
an injured husband, working full-time from home, and taking care of two boys.
Her oldest son had major surgery just two weeks before Franca’s murder, which
added to her distracted state. “I didn’t pay very much attention to what was
going on outside of my home,” she said. “I feel guilty because if I had paid
better attention, maybe I would have noticed more or done something to help.”
Lauretta said that the year before Franca’s death,
the family had begun to realize she was becoming more and more withdrawn.
Typically, Franca would socialize with her relatives at Lauretta’s pool, but
the last year she hardly joined them at all.
Lauretta told me she did notice, the year prior
to Franca’s death, that her sister was always wearing long sleeves, even in
summer. “She would go to my mom’s house to do laundry and talk,” Lauretta said,
indicating that it became one of Franca’s few social outlets. “Then he [David]
bought her a washer and dryer. He pulled her away from family and friends.”
Lauretta is from a close-knit Italian family.
She said the family had expected to see Franca on her step-father’s birthday,
the Sunday before she died, but Franca was a no-show.
“We knew something was wrong the next day,”
Lauretta said. “She didn’t pick up her son from elementary school—she’d never
failed to do that before. The whole time she was already dead in her apartment.
He left her in a horrible way.”
Lauretta said her mother went over to look for
Franca but couldn’t find her. “She tried to look for clues as to where Franca
might be, friends’ phone numbers and so forth. If she’d found Franca dead on
her bed and covered by blankets, my mother would have had a heart attack,”
Lauretta said.
The family called Franca all night but were not
able to reach her. Finally, the police were summoned. They did a welfare check
since Franca’s car was missing.
“The detectives sent a team to her condo,”
Lauretta said. “They were the ones who found Franca’s body. They went in first,
then came out and told Mom. Since she had already lost another daughter [to
illness]. it was very difficult.”
Driving to her mother’s home after receiving
the devastating news, Lauretta called her son’s school to have him picked up; a
close friend picked up her nephew at his school. She called her husband, and
she called her sister-in law, who was a registered nurse. “The one dominant
thought I had was my mom,” she said. “I wanted to shield her.”
Lauretta told me that she was the one who had
to tell Franca’s son that his mother was dead. “I sat down with him and said,
‘Remember how Mom didn’t come home yesterday? She’s in heaven now. Do you
understand?’
“He said, ‘Yes, I know she’s dead.’”
In the months that followed, Lauretta took care
of everything and everybody—her mother, her nephew, the detectives
investigating the case, whatever had to be handled. “I’ve been on my own for so
long—my husband’s been in the military,” she said. “I think because of that it
gave me resiliency.”
Then in 2007, six months after her sister’s
death, she had a sort of meltdown. “It was more of a meltdown than a
breakdown,” she said. “I didn’t allow it to affect me for very long, but it was
the first time I took time to acknowledge my feelings.”
Lauretta said that the investigators were not
done with the investigation, so she didn’t have time for a breakdown. “We got
him [David Reyes] convicted around Thanksgiving and put away for 33 years. The
whole year I was dealing with it.
“I had the wild idea that somehow with him
behind bars, our pain would lessen. It didn’t; we just had closure with regard
to justice,” she said.
It wasn’t until April of 2015 that Lauretta’s
body finally broke down. “I was in so much emotional pain,” she told me.” I
couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I told my husband, ‘I don’t know where it’s
coming from.’ I couldn’t stop crying.”
It was delayed PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder). “The doctors told me, ‘You were the strong one,’” she explained.
“Although I had been diagnosed with mild PTSD
back in 2007, I never really had any true issues until April 2015. I never
thought it was PTSD until I went to all of my doctors, OBGYN, PCP, and my
counselor. They all confirmed it for me. I was finally done taking care of
everyone. I was finally in a ‘good’ place, and that’s when my body said, ‘now
it’s my turn, you need to take care of me’. PTSD symptoms or breakdown can
still happen many years down the road, as I experienced.”
During her early years of recovering from
Franca’s untimely death, Lauretta went back to school. She took a double major
in criminal and social justice and became a victim’s advocate. A friend of
Lauretta’s had ties with the Santa Clara, CA Juvenal Probate Victims Services,
a group that sponsors volunteer speakers. “The juveniles have to attend two
nights a week,” she told me. “They teach empathy to these minor offenders. Both
my mom and I became volunteer speakers.”
Lauretta was able to get an internship with the
organization, and she then became a facilitator. “It was my way of trying to
make amends for my sister,” she said.
Nowadays, Lauretta finds solace through walks
and meditation. “I have an awesome husband,” she said. “As I’m my mom’s
sounding board, he’s mine.”
She also has a very satisfying job as a
guidance counselor at the local high school in her area. Lauretta is adamant
that the best way to prevent domestic violence is to start in the classroom.
“One thing I really believe in is educating our
youth—whether it’s your mom getting hit by your dad or your dad getting hit by
your mom.”
Her goal is to bring an awareness of domestic
violence to the community. “Domestic violence is cross-generational,” she says.
“How do you break these chains? In my opinion, by getting education into
schools, even in middle school.”
Lauretta has some
specific advice for bereaved family members, too. “I’m a huge believer in
counseling, and I never used to be,” she said. “I realized that this person is
not here to judge me. It gave validation to my feelings. You are not alone.”
For more posts on abuse, click HERE.
For more posts by and about Joanna Romer and her books, click HERE.
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