Daily Excerpt: A Widower's Guide to a New Life (Romer) - Self-esteem

 


excerpt from A Widower's Guide to a New Life (Romer) - 

Self-Esteem

What gives you self-esteem? Is it wearing a clean shirt and well-polished shoes when you’re heading out to dinner with a friend, whether male or female? Is it the knowledge that you can still be useful as you fix your neighbor’s lawn mower, or maybe even her computer?

 Is it the fact that the woman in the grocery store smiled at you when you let her go ahead of you in line, or the realization that you can still beat your old pal Phil on the tennis court after 31 years?

All of these things (and more) can contribute to self-esteem, a very useful commodity for a widower to have. Chances are, if you’ve lost your wife recently, your self-esteem has taken a beating. When our typical routine is drastically altered and we find ourselves struggling with everyday events, one of the first things to plummet is our opinion of ourselves. That good opinion, that high self-regard, is very important in the process of healing.

Most of us are pretty critical of ourselves at all times anyway, but for a widower, self-criticism can border on self-abuse. (“Oh, I can’t do anything right without Mary around,” or “How come this soup tastes so awful?—I am the world’s worst cook!”)

You may have married a superwoman—many widowers become convinced of this after their wife’s passing—but chances are it’s you who is placing way too much blame on yourself. So what if you can’t cook? You’ll learn to fix your own meals eventually—and you’ll learn to clean the house, balance the checkbook, plant the flowers and do all those things your wife accomplished effortlessly. Give it time.

In the meantime, it’s important to make special efforts to rebuild the self-esteem that has been displaced since your wife's death. You do this, first of all, by speaking gently to yourself instead of cursing your supposed incompetence. Congratulate yourself for every single good thing you accomplish that you never have before. (“Voila! It’s the best chili I ever tasted!” “Wow, I sent birthday cards to all the grandchildren, just like Virginia always did!")

Take special care with your appearance. Now is the time to go out and buy some new clothes, get a haircut, and lose a few pounds. You will be amazed at how much a little self-care affects the way you feel about yourself.

Plan a small trip to a relaxing place, buy a new iPhone, or even buy a new boat if you can afford it. No, we don’t want to make any big changes during the first year of our bereavement, but spending money on something you know you can afford is a great way to make you feel better about yourself.

Rebuilding your self-esteem is critical to the healing process, and you owe it to yourself to take it seriously. Remember, true self-esteem comes from within—when our thoughts are in harmony with God and nature. Strive to be at peace, and that serenity will give you comfort throughout your day.


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