Daily Excerpt: Divorced! Survival Techniques for Singles over Forty (Romer) -The Break-Up
from Divorced! Survival Techniques for Singles over Forty (Romer)
The Break-Up
“I
want a divorce.”
If
you cringe when you read these words, chances are you’ve heard them yourself. Or
maybe you’ve uttered them—initiating a divorce is almost as bad as being the
victim of one. Well, not quite. Having been in both situations, I can attest
that it is far more painful to be the one who is left.
Feeling
lost, betrayed or abandoned is a typical reaction for the marriage partner who
has been told that he or she is no longer necessary for whatever reason. We cry, we sulk, we wonder what we did wrong.
Often there is confusion and unanswered questions—is he really leaving today?
Is there another woman (or man), or isn’t there? That person whom we thought we
knew, the one who is now in the process of walking out the door, isn’t telling
us everything because—well, the truth hurts. At this difficult juncture, our
soon-to-be ex-spouse may be trying to spare our feelings by leaving a smidgeon
of hope, but the ambiguity usually doesn’t help much. When the marriage is
over, both parties seem to know it deep down. A lot of the divorce “dance” that
goes on has to do with each partner’s desire to justify himself or herself:
“This is why I did that,” or, “I said such and such because you never told me
about so-and-so…”
As
I said, I’ve been both the spouse leaving and the one who was left, and in both
situations, it seemed that one of the most important objectives for everyone
concerned was the ability to continue functioning (or perhaps start functioning
again) in a normal manner. No matter how much our heart has been broken, we
know we need to keep going. We don’t want to fall apart. We need to be able to
climb out of bed, get dressed, go to work, and perhaps take care of teenage
children. Or, if there are no children involved, we need to take care of ourselves
in every way possible. This is a time to lavish care and concern upon ourselves
in ways we may not have thought of before.
Going
through a divorce is traumatic, but it can be made bearable by seeking help
from the right sources. If you are reading this book, you’re probably looking
for a little assistance. Take a deep breath—comfort is on the way.
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