Daily Excerpt: He's a Porn Addict...Now What? (Overbay and Shea) - Concealing Addiction
This excerpt comes from He's a Porn Addict...Now What? (Overbay and Shea)
How did he manage to conceal it all so well and deceive me for such a long time?
Tony, the mental health professional:
You may have just
found out, but more than likely there have been years of this pattern of
behavior on his part that have led to either his disclosure or your
discovery, and during these years there has undoubtedly been a tremendous
amount of guilt and shame on his part.
Guilt can be a
good emotion, because it can cause someone to evaluate a situation and motivate
them to do something different. But when shame kicks in, that’s the voice that
tells you, “You’re a horrible person and you’ll never overcome this. People are
going to know you’re a fraud, or that you’re disgusting if they ever find out
about this.” Pornography is the type of addiction that for most individuals is
laced with guilt and shame, evolving into an addiction fueled by isolation
because they don’t want anyone to know anything about it
In my practice, I
can’t count the number of times I’ve had a couple in front of me and the wife
(who has no idea about her husband’s use) says something like, “My friend Tina
caught her husband Bob looking at pornography. I can’t believe guys look at that,
it’s disgusting! She kicked him out. If that happened to me, I’d do the same
thing!”
Even if he wanted
to disclose his use at this time, he’s hearing a message that his addiction is
going to end his marriage. He’s going to have to leave. His life as he knows it
will be over. All of this leads to even more guilt and shame, which will just
lead to more isolation.
For him,
concealing has been part of a routine. When I work with clients trying to break
pornography addiction, often times we’re trying to break that routine, which
has been solid and foolproof for years.
Most men have a
mental checklist as part of their routine: Make sure she’s gone, lock the door,
close the blinds, make sure the phone is nearby. There’s also a routine for
when he is finished, and neither are haphazard. They are methodical about
things. They craft a world where they can do this and nobody is going to know.
As the addiction grows, they may get more extreme with things like burner
phones or installing apps to hide their behavior. The depth of guilt and shame
associated with this addiction have caused him to work diligently to keep it
hidden from you.
Josh, the former pornography addict:
My wife was under
the impression I looked at porn once in a while. She was never a prude and
believed an occasional glance at porn was just something guys do.
Unfortunately, she had no idea the extent to which I watched, nor the reasons
for my use, which put me far into the addict category.
I’ve been a porn
addict since the very first time I saw hardcore pornography at 11. By the point
I met my wife, around 15 years later, I knew how to hide my porn use from my
parents, girlfriends, roommates, friends and every other human I came into
contact with. Hiding my use from my wife was never a challenge, nor did it ever
feel like a deceitful behavior because I’d been doing it so long.
When I reached
the most critical stage of my porn addiction, I had sunk to such lows
(including communicating with women in chat rooms) that even if I had wanted to
come clean about my behavior, the potential cost of disclosure seemed too
great. I thought she would leave if I told her what was happening.
If you’re a
typical partner in what you believe is a healthy relationship, your life is not
consumed by what your husband or boyfriend is doing when you’re not around.
Even if you have relationship problems, pornography addiction is not one of
those things that’s we’re programmed to look for in our partners. It’s easy to
hide what the other person is not looking for.
Have you ever
noticed the moon in the sky in the middle of the day? It’s almost always there,
but you really don’t see it unless you’re actively looking for it. Were you
actively looking for a pornography addiction? I know my wife was not. I had
enough other issues on the surface that she needed to deal with. Spending the
time and energy to dig deep and look for things that weren’t obvious was not
something she did.
The revelation that
he successfully hid this from you for a long time should not make you feel like
you weren’t paying enough attention. It should not make you feel stupid or
ignorant. It should not make you feel like you were played for a fool. He hid
his behavior because he knew you would not approve and that it would hurt you.
He likely also felt a great amount of shame using it to meet whatever gap it
filled in his mind, body and soul. This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but
hopefully once you can internalize this, you’ll realize the bigger question is
why he needed it in the first place.
For more books by Tony and Josh, click HERE.
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