Daily Excerpt: Widow: Surviving the First Year (Romer) - Nurture Yourself
Today's book excerpt comes from Widow: A Survival Guide for the First Year by Joanna Romer.
Nurture Yourself
Nurturing
Yourself
Grieving effectively
is about finding a balance between two worlds. On the one hand, there is the
life you had with your husband; you miss it, and him; you wish he were still
with you. Often there is pain involved in your memories. On the other hand, you
know you have to go on---there are a million details to take care of in
connection with his passing. Your current job (if you have one, or maybe now
you have to find one), your children,
other relatives, friends and other individuals in your life will expect you to
carry on. No one wants you to go to pieces---and you don’t really want to
either, do you?
One of the best ways
to handle both the emotions and the sense of unreality that grieving brings,
along with the responsibilities of carrying on, is to nurture yourself. Get in
the habit of this, early and often---from day one of your mourning. The idea is
to treat yourself the way you’d like some loving person---a mother, sister, or friend---to
care for you, if you could tell them exactly what you needed.
“That’s all very
well,” you say helplessly, “but I don’t really know exactly what I need. My
feelings are confused.”
Of course they are.
You’ve been through a trauma. All the more reason why you need “special
handling.” How can we figure out what will really soothe us, and what will
provide some comfort for that ongoing pain inside? My friend Beth (not a widow)
taught me to make a list of “Nice Things To Do.” This list will probably change
a bit every week---just like you’ll change every week. Yet several of your
favorite items will always be on your list. (Check out some of my “Nice Things
To Do” lists in the Appendix.)
I first learned
about nurturing myself after my father died when I was 39 years old. I was
living on the North Shore of Long Island, having moved out of Manhattan with my
second husband. He had a job out there; I had---grief. I mourned my father
continually but didn’t know what to do about it. Finally, I sought a therapist,
who told me I was depressed. Among other remedies, he suggested I go shopping.
“Go shopping?” I
asked. “How on earth will that help?”
My therapist assured
me it would. So, shopping I went, making myself buy one item on every
excursion, no matter how “down” I felt. I bought pretty soap, costume jewelry, and
small, unusual handbags. Later, more impulsively, I bought gypsy skirts,
peasant blouses, and a wonderful blue and rose fringed shawl. I also bought
things for my husband, but the therapist said that didn’t count: I was trying
to nurture me.
Sometime later,
after several months of nurturing, during which my depression began to lift, I
was heading out for a shopping trip when I realized, in a burst of insight,
that I had become my own mother. (My mother, although helpful, was 1000 miles
away, and dealing with her own grief.) Nurturing that little rascal, “the inner
child,” I had assumed a parent role, taking care of the needy self who’d been
so terribly depressed. As a loving “parent,” I knew exactly what that child
within needed---and I was happy to give it to her. She needed love, symbolized
by the act of giving something, no matter how tedious or hopeless it might
appear. She needed beauty, because beauty has a way of soothing the depressed
soul---the beauty of color, design and fabric, as found in clothes, for
instance. And as time went on, I found other ways to nurture myself besides
shopping: visits to art galleries and museums, long drives to scenic locales,
and solo lunches of pasta primavera or salad nicoise---not expensive, but
colorful.
The secret of
self-nurturing, which is essential for success, is that you must do it alone.
If you go shopping with a friend, no matter how sympathetic that person is,
your attention will be on that individual and not on yourself. Remember, you
are acting as your own mother
here---not your friend’s. Now that I’ve had the opportunity to see how
effective nurturing is, I am a confirmed champion of the solo lunch, where you
choose a lovely bistro overlooking the park, or perhaps in the heart of the
city with a cozy fireplace in the background. I love the solitary visit to a
museum or gallery, a movie or planetarium. Everything you indulge in with your
inner child will pay you rewards (and remember, as a widow, you can go anywhere
alone, without feeling out of place).
This step is so
important in your grieving process that I propose you start it the week after
your husband’s memorial service. You don’t have to tell anyone---just go
shopping!
GUIDELINES FOR
NURTURING YOURSELF
1.
As soon as you are able, make a list of
“Nice Things To Do.” The list should include activities such as lunches out at
favorite places, purchases you’d like to make (no matter how small---I usually
put “buy blue pens” on my list), and places you’d like to visit. Try to do one
or two items on your list each week.
2.
Look through the myriad of catalogues
that arrive at your house, or go online---and order something.
3.
Take a drive on a nice day---with or
without a destination.
4.
Go to a beach, a park, or a museum, and
mindlessly enjoy it.
5.
See a movie once a week---more if you
can afford it.
6.
Do something impractical that you’ve
wanted to do for a long time. Take a jewelry making class or hula lessons, or
go fly-fishing. (Eeek!)
7.
Make some favorite foods that you
haven’t prepared in a long time---chicken cordon bleu, banana cream pie, New
England clam chowder, or cheese grits. Something yummy and delicious, but not
impossible to make. Enjoy this favorite food with a glass of wine, iced tea or
lemonade.
8.
Make a reservation at a hotel or motel
in a nearby city (or your own city or town). Don’t worry whether you will
actually keep your reservation---the act of making it is nurturing in itself.
9.
Go there!
10. Order room service.
For more posts by and about Joanna and her books, click HERE.
See Joanna's book on self-nurturing HERE.
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