Daily Excerpt: Anger Anonymous (Ortman) - Anger Styles
excerpt from Anger Anonymous -
CHAPTER
ONE
ANGER
STYLES:
TENDING
THE FIRE
“Anger’s my meat. I sup upon myself and so shall starve
with feeding.”
—William Shakespeare
Everybody gets angry.
“But not me,” I told myself. In my
father’s drunken rages, I witnessed the devastating effects of uncontrolled
anger. I saw dealing with anger as playing with fire. I could easily get
burned. I decided at a young age, without really mak bing a conscious choice,
to smother any smoking tinders of irritation I felt. In remaining calm and
controlled, I found safety and, I believed, acceptance and admiration from
others. It was only many years later that I began to recognize the awful price
I paid for my pseudo-tranquility.
ANGER,
A POWERFUL ENERGY
Anger is a natural
energy, like fire. Our earliest ancestors witnessed the power of fire in
lightning storms and raging forest fires. They also enjoyed the light and
warmth it provided in their cold, dark world. It was like a god to them. They
feared and worshiped it. They observed fire closely and came to appreciate its
many forms and varying intensity, from a tiny flame to a roaring firestorm.
They longed to find a way to harness and use its power for their benefit. Then,
one day, some unknown caveman learned fire’s secret and how to start, stop,
control, and use it. Life changed dramatically.
We spend a lifetime
learning to manage the fire of anger that burns in each of us. Its power
fascinates, seduces, and frightens us. We both love and hate it. Anger takes on
different meanings for each of us. Some of us like our angry emotions because
they make us feel hot and alive. They mean we possess power and control. Others
hate them because they makes us feel cold and empty. The emotion means we are
powerless over ourselves and have lost control.
All of us seek to
understand the secret of the power of this confusing and difficult emotion. By
its nature, anger wants to defend, fight, and attack. We observe how it often
begins with a subtle irritation, proceeds to an increased frustration and annoyance,
and can become a rage and fury. The emotion can consume us, block clear
thinking, and provoke irrational behavior. We long to discover ways to harness
this energy.
If we are fortunate,
we learn the immense benefits of anger well-managed. Anger is a natural stress
response to a perceived danger, like fear. It serves a survival purpose. Darwin
observed the savagery of nature, that only the fittest survived. Evolution
advanced by the various species fighting for their lives. Like our ancestors in
the animal world, in the face of danger, we instinctively fight, flee, or
freeze. It is an automatic response, hard-wired into our brains and bodies. The
intense emotional reaction to threat launches us into defensive action. We have
a natural impulse to fight for our wellbeing.
For us humans with our
developed consciousness, however, anger has many levels of meaning. Threats can
be to both our physical and psychological wellbeing. Anger signals that
something is wrong, that some important need is not being met, that a boundary
is being violated, or that we are being treated unfairly. We experience a loss
of wholeness. Like all the emotions, which are natural tendencies to action,
anger motivates and energizes us to protect ourselves and protest against
injustice. It is a power boost to assert ourselves in a world that can be
threatening. When we use the energy of anger wisely, we gain a sense of
self-esteem and self-control. Then it becomes a natural energy for personal
change and growth.
All of us learn, from
childhood and throughout adulthood, how to work with the fiery energy of anger.
We develop our own unique styles that reflect our personality and temperament.
A healthy, assertive style finds a balance between indulging and inhibiting
this emotion. We know when, where, to whom, and how to express our anger
effectively to achieve our goals. However, many of us lose a sense of balance
and operate in the extremes. We may either under-control or over-control our
aggressive impulses. The anger masters us, rather than the other way around.
The following are some
examples of those who allow their anger to rage out of control. Rage rules
them. Allowing their hostile impulses to go unchecked, they harm themselves and
others. While they hate the harm done, they may love the feeling of power, control,
and intimidation of others. Nevertheless, their lives become chaotic,
risk-filled, and crisis-creating.
RAGEHOLIC
Martin,
a former Marine with a temper:
“I’ve
had a temper my whole life. People called me a hothead. But I also prided
myself as a man of discipline. However, anger was always simmering below the
surface, and I had to be on constant guard to keep it from erupting. That has
been my most difficult challenge in life. Anything can set me off—someone
looking at me funny or disrespecting me. I react instantly, without thinking.
My temper has gotten me into a lot of trouble. I’ve been in many fights and
spoiled relationships. I don’t look for trouble, but I refuse to back down. I
stand up for myself, and some people don’t like that.
I
realize that I am a lot like my father who had a terrible temper. He used to
beat us kids for the smallest infractions. I felt bullied by him. I promised
that I would never let anyone bully me again. My parents fought all the time.
Our home was like a battlefield. I learned that only the fittest survive.
Fortunately, I am a survivor. Now my toughest battle is with myself, with my
temper.”
Rachel,
a complaining housewife:
“I
was raised with high expectations. My mother taught me, ‘Anything worth doing
is worth doing right.’ She was unbending with her demands. I raise my children
to be the best they can be. I admit that sometimes I take it too far, and I nag
them and my husband. Unlike my mother, though, I learned to control my temper.
It takes a long time before I explode. I tell my family what I don’t like in a
calm voice. It’s only when they don’t listen that I begin to yell to get their
attention.”
Anger can be, for some,
like a boiling pot of water. It may simmer for a while and suddenly boil over.
Every now and then rageholics have to let off steam. Some come to a slow boil,
while others become over-heated quickly. Depending on the sensitivity of the
person, different experiences may stoke their fire. For example, some react to
perceived disrespect, unfairness, or unmet expectations. They react differently
in expressing their anger. Some become verbally aggressive with complaining,
criticizing, or blaming. Others display their temper in physical violence.
Still others keep their hostile thoughts to themselves. Harsh judgments
constantly occupy their minds. The boiling anger within burns them, and the
steam scalds others.
GRUDGEHOLIC
Lana,
a betrayed woman:
“My
husband had an affair with a coworker five years after we were married. That
was twenty years ago. We stayed together for the sake of the children. He ended
the affair, apologized profusely, and tried to make up for it with me, but I
was devastated. How could he do that to me? I trusted him with my life. I never
believed he could have done such a thing. Even today it seems unreal. A day
never goes by that I don’t think about the betrayal, and the anger rises in me.
I still ask him questions about his lover, and he gets annoyed. It’s only
reassurance I’m asking for. I don’t think he realizes how much it still hurts.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully trust him again.
I’m
very sensitive. I bruise easily. I keep a journal and carefully write down when
people offend me. I need to protect myself. When the hurts reach a certain
point, I ask myself if the relationship is really worth it. I may then decide
I’m done. There are some relatives and friends I haven’t spoken to in years. I
can’t tolerate being in their presence. It’s just too painful.”
The flames of
hostility can burn for a long time. Some people are slow to anger, but once
they reach the point of fury, they hang on to it. They are slow to forgive and
forget. They come to identify the offending party as “the enemy.” They believe
that the persisting anger forms a protective wall around them.
However, resentment,
literally the continuous re-feeling of the feeling, grows like an inner sore.
They may accumulate grievances like small stones in a coat with many pockets.
When they feel overburdened by the load, they dump it with an explosion of temper
and end the relationship. These wound collectors never allow themselves to
heal. Bitterness salts the wound. Their lives become organized around the pain,
isolating them with feelings of self-pity. Joy eludes them.
The following are
examples of those whose anger is over-controlled. Out of fear or shame, they
suppress their powerful aggressive impulses. Detached from the energy of anger,
they disconnect from their own sense of power and many other emotions. Their lives
become rigid, empty, dependent, and emotionally starved. However, anger is too
powerful a force to be bottled up completely. Despite their strained efforts to
stuff their anger, it still seeps into their psyche and leaks out into their
relationships. I personally felt exhausted holding my anger in. I didn’t know
why I was so tired, and probably depressed.
SILENT
SUBMISSION
Laura,
an unhappily married woman:
“I
married the love of my life. I admired my husband’s strength and
self-confidence. He was a man who was comfortable speaking up and taking charge
in any situation. I let him take charge of the household and of me. It never
bothered me for a long time, but things changed when the children were born. I
felt so responsible for them and threw myself into being a mother. My husband
objected to all the attention I gave them. He felt ignored, so he became more
and more demanding of me. I went along for many years and honored his wishes. I
ignored how torn I felt. I never spoke up for myself because I hate conflict so
much. Now I feel so unhappy and lost. I don’t know what I really want. I’m
afraid if I don’t do what he wants he will leave me. Then I will be all alone.”
Some extinguish the
life-giving energy of anger in their lives. They want to avoid conflict at all
costs. They imagine that disagreements inevitably lead to arguments and
eventually to an end of the relationship. Instead of speaking up for
themselves, they pretend to agree. They have trouble saying no. They want
peace. However, the conflict they avoid with others is internalized. They are
not at peace with themselves. Furthermore, because they have submerged so much
of themselves, they may not even know what they think or feel. They lose
themselves and begin to feel dead inside.
Those who suppress
their anger may fear its power because they witnessed its devastating effects
when out of control in childhood. To compensate, they choose the opposite, to
exert excessive control. They deny, suppress, and stuff their anger, along with
any other uncomfortable feelings. The result is feeling disengaged from
themselves and life. The stifled anger attacks their spirit. They feel empty,
powerless, and dead.
To self-medicate the
discomfort of hostile feelings, many turn to alcohol and drugs. They are
particularly drawn to pain-relieving drugs, such as opiates. Our society
encourages high expectations and the aggressive pursuit of them. It is no
coincidence that we are experiencing an epidemic of opiate abuse to calm our
frustrated strivings. Many begin using opiates for physical pain and abuse them
to medicate emotional pain. Soon the drug takes over their lives and drains
their energy.
DEPRESSION
Leo,
a grief-stricken man:
“After
my wife died, I attended a support group. I couldn’t understand why so many of
the people talked about how angry they were about their loved ones dying. I
only felt grief and guilt. I tell myself I could have done more to keep her
from getting sick and dying. My wife is now deceased three years, and I am
still depressed. My children try to comfort me, but I don’t want to burden
them. I just keep going on with little joy in my life. I’m impatient with
myself that I can’t get over my grief. My whole life I felt like I was not good
enough. I couldn’t please my parents. I felt like a failure on the job. My kids
got into trouble, and I blamed myself. Now I can’t get my life together since
my wife died. What’s wrong with me?”
Russell,
a perfectionist:
“I
work as an engineer at a large corporation. I’ve been there 15 years. Whenever
cuts are made at work, I’m terrified I’ll be laid off. I live with almost
constant dread that I’m not doing a good enough job and will be fired. I push
myself hard at work and in everything I do. People tell me I’m a perfectionist
because I have such high standards. They’re right. I take pride in those
standards. But I never feel like I live up to them. I feel so much pressure to
prove myself. It’s so depressing because I cannot relax with any of my
successes. It’s a never-ending battle that exhausts me.”
The flame of anger can
be directed inward when it is not fully acknowledged or expressed. Another name
for depression is “anger turned inward.” Instead of admitting anger and
fighting for themselves in a difficult situation, those who become depressed feel
helpless and blame themselves. They become self-critical of their own
weaknesses. As one woman stated, “I live under a mountain of self-reproach.”
She was afraid of standing up for herself and hated herself for her cowardice.
The extreme of turning the violence of anger against oneself, of course, is
suicide.
Another name for
depression is “learned helplessness.” Those prone to depression entertain high
expectations of themselves and others and are frequently disappointed. However,
instead of blaming others, they direct their aggression against themselves in self-blame.
They judge themselves mercilessly for not being perfect. Of course, perfection
is impossible. Those depressed may even acknowledge the impossibility of
reaching their standards. However, they stubbornly refuse to lower their
standards and live with an unrelenting sense of failure and helplessness. Their
suppressed anger attacks their emotional wellbeing.
MEDICAL
PROBLEMS
Reggie,
experiencing back pain:
“I’ve
suffered from back pain for years. Sometimes it is so crippling I can’t
function. I don’t recall injuring my back on the job or anywhere else. All of a
sudden, for some unknown reason, I felt excruciating pain in my back. I’ve gone
to countless doctors over the years and received little relief. They told me I
have a mildly bulging disk, but it does not explain the level of pain. They
also tell me how tense I seem. I’ve tried medications, physical therapy, and
chiropractors. Now I’m suspecting an emotional component to the pain and reading
books on how suppressing anger causes such pain. In therapy, I’m realizing how
tense I’ve always felt and how judgmental I am about myself and others. I’ve
been that way my whole life.”
Melinda,
unable to relax:
“I’ve
been uptight, unable to relax, my whole life. Everything stresses me out. I
hate my job, but cannot leave it. I fight with my husband, but am afraid to be
on my own. I feel trapped. My childhood was stressful, with my alcoholic father
who yelled all the time and my mother who criticized me constantly. I felt so
tense growing up. No wonder I never learned to relax. Now I’m having stomach
problems, acid reflux and possible ulcers. I grind my teeth at night and wear a
mouth-guard. I also have a ringing in my ears that the doctors can find no
medical cause for. They tell me it might be related to the constant tension I
feel in my neck and shoulders.”
If the energy of anger
is not allowed to flow naturally through the body, it can cause damage. When we
swallow anger, it becomes a bitter pill, hard to digest. The fight-or-flight
response, with no outlet, targets the body. Research has shown that excessive
cortisol levels, which result from unremitting stress, lower the immune system.
The body then becomes vulnerable to a variety of diseases. Aches and pains
develop, particularly in the back and neck, with the increased muscle tension.
Suppressed anger also can result in increased risks for high blood pressure,
heart attacks, gastric problems, ulcers, and even cancer. Stifled anger attacks
the body and can be life-threatening.
Our bodies have a
wisdom that the mind does not grasp. Emotions arise from spontaneous physical
reactions to events. The body also holds tension from the strain of our
interacting with the world. That tension resides within the body for a
lifetime. It is not relieved until we recognize it and learn to release the
tension. The body talks. Are we attuned to its message?
SILENT
TREATMENT
Elaine,
estranged from her family:
“Growing
up, my mother was depressed and criticized me mercilessly. I could never please
her. When I was old enough to move out, I left home. I was so angry that I
never wanted to see her again. She tried to contact me countless times, but I
refused to talk with her. I just lived my own life, felt sorry for myself, and
complained about her to anyone who would listen. When she was sick and dying, I
relented and went to see her. She apologized for being so hard on me growing
up, and I was overwhelmed with guilt. I realized how I pushed away everyone who
ever hurt me. I was stubborn and made excuses. I ended up living a very lonely
life.”
Anger is not only hot,
involving fireworks. It can also be the cold anger of emotional withdrawal,
creating a hostile atmosphere like the cold war between the United States and
Russia. All friendliness disappears. Those who engage in passive-aggressive behavior
avoid any direct confrontation. They do not fully admit the depth of rage to themselves. They do not even tell the
offending party how hurt and angry they feel. Instead, they construct an
impenetrable wall. They bob and weave, fail to follow through, speak
indirectly, and manipulate. All these behaviors provoke anger in others. They
keep themselves at a safe and lonely distance from others.
PARANOID
Albert,
not trusting anyone:
“I
don’t trust anyone. I’ve been married and divorced three times. Each time, my
wife became my enemy and we battled constantly. I have to admit that I’m always
on my guard in relationships, with friends and in business. It’s a dog-eat-dog
world, and people are only looking out for themselves. They will take advantage
of you if you let them. ‘Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on
me.” So I watch my back. I’m alert and careful.
I
learned from my father not to trust anyone. He was a cutthroat businessman. He
owned his own business and always drove a hard bargain. No one cheated him. At
home, he was just as tough. He ruled with an iron fist. Any disobedience,
talking back, or sign of disrespect was met with the belt. I hated it, but I
saw the wisdom of his approach.”
Rebecca,
suspicious of her husband:
“I’m
convinced my husband is having an affair with my best friend. He insists he is
not, and we argue about it all the time. I can tell just by the way they look
at each other. I don’t have any proof—yet. But I keep looking. I check his
phone and emails all the time. That infuriates him. Whenever he comes home late
from work, I suspect he was with her. I confront him, and we argue. My father
had affairs my mother never knew about. I’ll never allow myself to be
humiliated like she was.”
Some, consumed by an
unacknowledged anger, see the world as a threatening place. They see challenges
everywhere and feel compelled to protect themselves. Especially if they are out
of touch with their own anger, they are acutely sensitive to the hostility of
others. They frequently see others as mad at them, even when there is no
evidence of it. Those with paranoid tendencies use a defense mechanism called
projection. They project what they feel inside onto the outer world, as if on a
movie screen. For them, their projections are real. If they are angry, they
believe they live in a hostile world. They see enemies everywhere.
Since their
projections are real for them, the image they create of the world guides their
actions. Since they view the world as a dangerous place, they feel compelled to
act defensively. They may believe that the best defense is a good offense and
attack others before they are attacked. However, that defensiveness has
consequences. It provokes the hostility they fear from others. They feel
treated unfairly, and react defensively. A cycle of hostility is created, each
accusing the other of being unfair. Each will see themselves as a victim in
need of protection. Their anger provides the means to protect themselves, and
thus fuels the cycle.
We spend a lifetime
coming to terms with the powerful, frightening energy of anger within us. How
we cope shapes our personalities. The styles of coping described above overlap
at many points. During our lifetimes and in different situations, our styles change
and develop. However, most of us cling to one particular style, with only minor
variations.
Our life task will be
to recognize our tendencies, understand their strengths and weaknesses, and
learn to find balance. The first step will be in recognizing our preferred
style. The sooner we work with it, the quicker we can free ourselves from its
grasp and avoid becoming addicted to the power and control anger offers.
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