Daily Excerpt: He's a Porn Addict....Now What? (Overbay & Shea) - How much to disclose?
This excerpt comes from He's a Porn Addict...Now What? (Overbay and Shea)
Some
people say I don't want him to disclose everything to me. Are they correct?
Tony, the mental health professional:
“I want to know everything you
did” is one of those statements I hear regularly in my therapy sessions with
couples.
There is a modality of therapy
where the husband and wife start putting out their truths.
It's viewed as an emotional bid to
be vulnerable. The idea is that they are sharing their heart with their
partner, but it's done knowing that the other person loves and cares about them
and wants to know their truth.
So, there’s disclosure from the
spouse and all of a sudden we're in this world known as betrayal trauma, where
the wife is going back and trying to put everything together. This is the point
at which I hear phrases like: “My whole marriage has been a sham,” or, “I can't
trust anything he says or does now.”
For the wife, it often becomes, “I
want to know more. I want to know everything. I just want answers to these
questions.”
But then what I see over and over
again is that one question leads to another question leads to another question,
and then the wife may come back later and say, “OK, hey you said this and that
made me think of this, this, and this.”
If his story changes at all it can
be devastating to the wife because you're already dealing with an individual
who feels like they have been betrayed. Even now during the disclosure the
husband’s story is changing, so in her mind he must still be lying, even if
he’s not intentionally lying.
At this point, her head starts
spinning—I had a client call this
the “dryer” because it’s like a clothes dryer—the more he tries to disclose, the worse it gets and the more
amped up she gets and the more her head is spinning. He sees this and at some
point may get frustrated and lash out. All we’ve done with disclosure is create
more damage.
Disclosure can be a tricky ongoing
piece of therapy. If I have a male client who has an issue with looking at
women’s chests, we may work at having him look at women’s eyes. During a
couple’s therapy session his partner may want to know if he still finds
himself looking at women’s chests. If he answers that he’s doing a lot better
and really focusing on looking elsewhere (or looking at their eyes?), she may
still want a definitive answer, yes or no. If he admits that he has slipped
once or twice—or several times—typically the partner’s reaction
is something like, “I can’t believe you still do that. How am I ever going to
trust you?” This type of reaction, though understandable, leaves him
feeling he’s in a no-win scenario.
To avoid this, when I sit with a
couple, we talk about some rules of engagement.
We agree we all want to know the truth, but we
also know the addict, or the betrayer, is probably not going to be able to say
these things in a way that will satisfy his partner.
The disclosure needs to take place
for healing, but with that said, I would encourage the couple to seek help from
a professional who understands how to work with betrayal trauma, or else it’s
possible you may cause more damage.
Remember, to the addict it may
feel good to unload their burden, to confess; it’s finally out in the open! But
to the spouse, this is most likely new. There’s a concept in the world of
betrayal trauma called a “staggered disclosure,” which means that every time
the addict comes to his wife and remembers more, or shares more, she is
retraumatized. I would highly recommend seeking help from a qualified
professional who is trained in working with betrayal trauma.
Josh, the former pornography addict:
Think about an
article on the Internet or in the newspaper. You can generally get the gist of
the story by looking at the headline, the first paragraph and a photograph. At
that point, you ask yourself if you really need to know the whole story.
I think that if
you do not want to hear the details of his pornography usage, you need to let
him know up front. He could be the kind of person who wants to unburden himself
and come clean. Stop him. He has not earned that right. He can tell a
therapist. On the other hand, if you are the kind of person who wants to know
every last detail, I urge you stop and strongly consider the ramifications,
because you can’t unhear a detail you really didn’t want to know.
Your husband’s
pornography addiction is like a piece of steak. You can examine the whole, then
cut it into 100 bite-sized pieces for “easier” digestion, but it’s still the
same steak. Like a steak that has a fatty bit, some of the pieces of his
addiction story are going to be harder to stomach than others.
If you want to
know everything, I believe you have that right. If the disclosure of his
addiction is recent, he’s probably still in a state of shame, embarrassment and
denial. He will likely rationalize and minimize his behavior when it comes to
details, falling back on his skills of deceit and omission to make things seem
healthier than they were. That’s muscle memory. He’s been acting this way for
so long, it’s what comes natural.
My wife was smart
about it. She made the decision to protect herself and only got the headlines.
There are total strangers who know certain aspects of my tale that she doesn’t
because she avoided specifics, whereas when I give interviews on the subject, I
go into depth. She also knew that she wanted to attempt to move forward with me
and learning lurid details would only cause deeper anger and resentment that
she may not have been able to get over.
When my first
book came out, she made the choice to not read it despite the fact that I told
her there were very few graphic details. She made that decision because that
time in our relationship is one she
doesn’t want to re-live, and I don’t blame her for it. It wouldn’t surprise me
at all if she didn’t read this book. That’s her right.
You may think
you’re prepared and that you’re the kind of person who “needs to know.” Just think
twice before asking for it all.
For more books by Tony and Josh, click HERE.
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