Daily Excerpt: He's a Porn Addict...Now What? (Overbay and Shea) - Does he love porn more than me?
This excerpt comes from He's a Porn Addict...Now What? (Overbay and Shea)
Does he
love porn more than me?
Tony, the mental health professional:
At some point in his life, he
turned to porn as a coping mechanism. He wasn’t feeling connected to his job,
his kids, his health, his church, his parents, and his spouse. He turned
to porn because he didn't necessarily know how to connect to his life. Most
likely he fell into a habit of turning to porn because he didn’t have the tools
to become a better husband, father, or employee; he didn’t have the discipline
to get in better shape or write the great American novel. He turned to
porn as a coping mechanism.
Not everything has to tie back to
childhood, but I’ve found that when you have early exposure to pornography,
somewhere under age 11 or 12 (the average age of first exposure continues to
trend down, it now sits somewhere between 8 and 11) you tend to become
sexualized. Back before porn was at everyone’s fingertips, the term sexualized
typically meant some form of molestation, but now we understand that early
exposure to porn has similar effects.
I like to put it this way. When
exposed to porn early, the young developing brain now sees even Mrs. Johnson,
the third-grade teacher, no longer as simply Mrs. Johnson, but as a woman with
breasts and curves, and he begins to fantasize about her. His neighbor, who
maybe hasn’t been exposed to porn early, still innocently sees her as his 3rd
grade teacher.
I feel like when you see early
exposure in this light, it begins to make clear how developing brains can take
off from the same location and begin to head in two completely different
directions.
The point is, in most cases, he
was sexualized long before he ever met you. He developed an addiction to
pornography drawn by his need to cope with a variety of stressors in his life.
It’s important to remember that
pornography is a symptom of a larger problem and becomes the go-to coping
mechanism. Perhaps he is in a career he hates, he doesn’t like the shape he’s
in or he feels like he doesn’t know how to be a good husband or father. There
are so many things they don’t like about themselves, so porn becomes that
outlet and that coping mechanism. The brain locks into it because then it
doesn’t have to deal with the real problems. Pornography is full of stimulating
images and ends in an orgasm, so there is a moment of feeling great. There’s a
complete escape from reality, from the difficult and hard things he’s dealing
with. It’s not about a lack of love.
Josh, the former pornography addict:
No, he doesn’t.
That’s an easy answer. Throughout my entire recovery, be it inpatient rehab,
12-step groups, court-mandated support groups or in my travels meeting people
both online and in real life who struggle with porn addiction, I have never
found one who loves the pornography more than he loves his partner.
The weird reality
is, he probably doesn’t like porn at this point, but like an alcoholic with a
drink or a gambler with a set of dice, he can’t stay away. His mind has
convinced him that he needs the porn to function. I’ll leave the neuroscience
to Tony and other medical professionals, but if you’ve never had an addiction,
it’s impossible to understand the unwavering, irresistible pull it has over the
mind. When people say that addiction is a choice and not a disease, I tell them
to thank their lucky stars they have the luxury of the ignorance to have that
opinion.
My attraction to
pornography and the reasons I used it were almost the exact same reasons I
became an alcoholic. Both helped my anxiety, were soothing, and made me feel in
control—all of
the typical reasons an addict uses. There was nothing unique about me as an
addict, but many non-addicts see someone struggling with addiction as having a
failure of moral character, not somebody who is sick and in pain.
I can make a list
of 1,000 things I LIKED more than porn. I can make a list of 1,000 things I
LOVED more than porn. But I can’t make a list of more than three things I
thought I NEEDED more than porn when I was in the middle of the illness.
As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, he probably went to such lengths to hide his addiction from you precisely because he loves you. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t care what you thought. He wouldn’t care about your reaction or bother to think about the pain it would cause. It seems counterintuitive, but that’s an addict’s thinking for you.
There’s a reason (probably several) why he developed the addiction and it has nothing to do with the quantity or quality of his love for you. His mind screams a need for pornography that he can’t quiet until he feeds the beast. His need for porn should never be confused as a lack of love for you. It is a completely separate thing. It has nothing to do with you.
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