Excerpt from He's a Porn Addict...Now What? (Overbay & Shea) - Introduction
excerpt from He's a Porn Addict...Now What? by Tony Overbay and Joshua Shea
This book is a unique collaboration between a
mental health professional, Tony Overbay, a Licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist and Joshua Shea, a former journalist who spent more than two decades
struggling with pornography addiction. Usually, the expert sitting in the chair
and the person on the couch getting the help don’t work together on a project
outside of the therapist’s office, but we think this is a natural match. (And
for those wondering, Josh was never Tony’s client—they met on a podcast.)
Tony spends dozens of hours every week working
with couples who are at various stages of the therapy process. Many of these
couples have struggled with pornography issues. Although you’re probably
feeling alone in the world right now, you are not. Tony has dealt with women,
men and couples who are going through exactly what you are experiencing.
Josh was a pillar of his community when his
world came crashing down. A magazine publisher and city councilor, his life
changed forever when he was arrested for inappropriate behavior in a computer
chat room with a teenage girl in 2013. Trips to inpatient rehabilitation, years
of intensive therapy, and a short jail sentence later, he now uses his story to
educate others about pornography addiction.
It is our belief that we can provide you with
more complete answers to the questions that are festering within you than if
you were holding a book by only one of
us.
The question probably burning inside of you
brighter than any other is the same one we are both asked most often: Is porn
addiction real? We answer that question inside the book, but here’s an early
spoiler: It is 100% real.
Throughout the book, we may refer to an
attraction to pornography as an addiction or as an impulse control disorder.
The answers often depend on the question, but either way, it is just a label
for a condition your partner is dealing with. Practically speaking, it doesn’t
matter if it’s an addiction, an impulse control disorder, or some other label.
It is what it is.
Tony works with men every day who try to stop
using pornography while their partners look on feeling helpless. Josh knows
firsthand it’s most likely a behavior that they do not want to continue even if
they don’t want to talk about it. You want to talk about it, and that’s
why you’re reading this book.
There is no miracle phrase, pill, or magic
wand. That is the difficulty in quitting the behavior. Chances are that your
partner has been lying to his parents, his religious leaders, you, his friends—and
himself—for years, which is a big part of the problem.
Some men like the label of addiction because
they feel as an “addict” they can then do work that is recommended for addicts,
while others don’t want to be called addict because it brings up feelings of
shame. The great news for both of you is that there are plenty of methods,
tools, and programs to overcome the problem. We have seen men’s lives changed
completely when finally getting this problem behind them. Josh is one such man.
While we hope reading our answers to these
oft-asked questions will be incredibly helpful to your journey, we also
understand there is no way for us to completely understand all of the backstory
of your life as well as your current situation so certain answers may not feel
like the correct advice at all times. Our answers will hopefully provide you
with a framework to begin processing the multitude of emotions that you’re
trying to deal with right now. We highly recommend finding a professional,
whether it be a licensed therapist, counselor, clinical psychologist, or even a
psychiatrist to help you sort through all of the emotions that you’re dealing
with.
The most foreign, yet strongest emotion you
may be feeling is known as “Betrayal Trauma.”
There’s an old adage that “When the addict
gets sick, those around him get sick, too,” but pornography addiction is unlike
any other addiction. The wife of a gambling addict doesn’t wonder what she did
wrong in the marriage. The girlfriend of a heroin addict doesn’t ask herself if
she wasn’t enough in the bedroom. That’s not the case with pornography
addiction.
Betrayal trauma refers to the damage caused
when one partner (in this case, your husband or boyfriend) betrays the feelings
of safety and trust the other (you) has instilled in them. When the person you
rely on for support and survival shows themselves to be not what you expected,
it can cut deep. We will delve further into this topic in the book.
In his practice, Tony deals a lot with what is
called “gaslighting,” and when he was deep into his addiction, Josh felt like
he had perfected the art.
If you aren’t familiar with the term, it comes
from the 1941 movie Gaslight. In the
movie, the main character turns the gas in his home’s lights down slightly each
evening and tells his wife that she’s imagining that they aren’t as bright,
eventually causing her to feel like she’s going crazy. Gaslighting is a serious
issue, but it’s also one that can be misunderstood.
When gaslighting is happening, the gaslighter
(a husband,[1] in this
example) is not only trying to refute what his wife is saying, but he’s also
trying to make her feel bad for even speaking her truth.
We are grateful that you have entrusted us to
help you try and process what is an incredibly difficult time in your life; one
that you most likely never anticipated going through. Just please know that
there is a lot of help out there, and we’re grateful that you’ve chosen us as
part of your discovery/recovery package. The fact that you’re seeking help is
very important as there are so many people who don’t.
Our goal is to provide tools and answers for
people who are in relationships where there can be dialogue. If you feel like
you are not able to voice your concerns or to be able to express your fears,
your hurts, and your pains, then again, we highly recommend that you reach out
to a professional.
In Tony’s experience, when many women go
through the pain of discovery, or disclosure, they are typically met with one
of two reactions from their partners. First is the guy who gets it. This is the
guy who either got caught in his pornography addiction or pre-emptively
confessed to his obsession. Either way, he’s the one who says that he will do
whatever it takes to make this right with you, with God, with whomever matters
to him. He says he’ll do counseling, go to recovery meetings, meet with his
pastor, let you see his phone, and do whatever it takes because he doesn’t want
this behavior in his life.
Then there’s the other guy. He’s the one who
says, “Look, you caught me, I’ll take care of it, but I don’t need you on my
case every minute of the day, asking me if I’m looking at something or asking
to see my phone or my computer.” This is the guy who typically is still not
fully dealing with the problem. He is prone to gaslighting and unhealthy
communication.
As Josh can personally attest, many men
ping-pong between the two personality types. Until he spent 17 weeks in
inpatient rehab, Josh was much more like the second guy than the first, but
he’s proof that change can happen. He’ll share stories of both sides.
We believe seeing the addict’s and the
expert’s answers side-by-side will give you a unique perspective on the
complexities of the problems of addiction and its effects on individual mental
health and on relationships.
You are looking for answers, and if you’ve
already reached out to your friends, family, a religious leader, life coach, or
a therapist, you’ve probably received a lot of different answers, and that may
leave you even more concerned and confused.
In purchasing this book, you’ve turned to a
former addict and an expert. We truly believe we offer a more complete picture
than any other text available. There is nothing like this book on the market,
and we are extremely proud of this resource and hope that it will help you in
what we know is an incredibly difficult time.
[1] Throughout this book, we refer to the addict
as male. This is because almost all of the addicts treated by Tony have been
male. In our personal experience, addicts are predominantly male though we know
there are many female addicts out there and this information can pertain to
their partners as well.
Book description:
Admitting you're a drug addict or alcoholic can be difficult, but when it comes to pornography addiction, the pain of betrayal can hit the addict's partner worse than the addict himself. Difficult questions come rushing:
- Does he look at this stuff because I'm not enough?
- Was he like this when I first met him?
- Is this God trying to test me?
- What kind of help is available for him?
- Am I just supposed to stay here and deal with this?
With He's a Porn Addict...Now What?: An Expert and a Former Addict Answer Your Questions, you'll get pertinent answers from both sides of the equation: from a therapist and from a former pornography addict.
Keywords:
porn addiction, recovery and healing, spouse and partner support, betrayal trauma, sexual addiction, marriage and relationships, therapy and counseling, accountability, trust rebuilding, compulsive behavior, self-help, overcoming addiction, expert advice, therapist and expert collaboration, personal testimony, sexual health recover, sexual health
Review/comment
This is the most helpful book for porn addicts and the people who (still) love them. One of most courageous and timely books to help with a widespread and almost never talked about epidemic that is ruining marriages, careers and lives. It will give hope to millions of people who are addicted to pornography. -- Mark Goulston, MD, FAPA, Author of Just Listen Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone
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